appalolly on Xanga

Weblog

Thursday, 19 November 2009

I Can Take A Hint

I enjoy blogging. A lot.
But I realize that I have been inundating everyone with lots of posts...from my struggles as a Mom to my communication issues with my husband to my fashion woes to my son swallowing way too much medicine to my dates with my husband and son.
And now I have discerned that it is time for me to give you a little break from my overflow of thoughts and endless ramblings.
I somewhat judge the "interesting-ness" of my posts from the number of views and comments, and when I see that rapidly declining, I know that I've overstayed my welcome. And I'm very sensitive to that.
So, if you wonder where I've gone...I'll be in the land of reading others' blogs and refreshing my brain without spilling it all out.
Maybe when I come back from hiatus I will have some compelling posts to write. Like the old saying goes "I can't miss you when you're always here!" Or maybe I made that saying up...whatever...you get the point!

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

My (Mommy) Insecurities

We all want to be better Mothers.
I try so hard. I want to get things right. I worry. I read books and try to figure out what are the most important things to concentrate my efforts on with my children. I ask questions of others. I am too hard on myself.
But this job that we have, of raising up children to be responsible adults who can navigate their way through the difficulties of life with self assurance and grace...that is NOT an easy job.
Here’s the thing though. I think that our generation of Mom’s is much harder on themselves than our Mother’s were. Our Mother’s just were. They just did it. They didn’t over analyze and stress out and wonder if they played with us enough? If they should be feeding us organic foods? If they should have us sleep on our tummies or our backs? If they should have made us work more or less? They just were there and they were just Mom. Whatever came natural seemed to be the thing to do. Without really asking a lot of questions. And we turned out OK, right?
But this generation of Mom’s has choices: Do I work or stay home? Does the Dad stay home? Do I work full time or part time? Do I put my kids in daycare? Pre-school? The list is endless.
And we figure that if we are a generation with choices, then we dang well better be happy with the choices that WE make!
But the fact of the matter is, no matter how hard I try to be the “perfect” Mother...I fail. Often. I am too harsh. I get irritated. Frustrated. I don’t meet my own expectations in SO many areas. And then I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve let myself down. Like my children are going to grow up damaged.
Sometimes I think that we just need to go back more to the state of just “doing” and not worry so much about it. Be there for your kids, but don’t be so uptight if you don’t always get it right. Don’t worry so much about whether this or that or the other thing would be better. I think back to that quote I heard at Women of Faith. "Broken Mom's often make better Mothers than someone who thinks they have it all together." If I could only truly internalize that and make it a part of who I am.
And part of the problem too, is that it is hard for us to be honest about things that we fail at as a Mom. We’re afraid of judgment from other Mom’s. We’re afraid to be totally honest about the fact that our kids don’t always get their teeth brushed. We see others as having it all together, and when we feel like we don’t, we somehow feel less than perfect.
Because, even if you have good friend with whom you can be honest about your faults and failures and struggles as a Mom, you really never know, deep down, which fault you’ll confess in a moment of honesty and in their heads (even if they don’t say it) they will be thinking “Oh.my.word. I totally cannot believe she does this or that with her children! I would never do that!” How do you know? How can you ever be perfectly safe and let your guard down about your failings as a Mom?
Somehow we need to learn to band together and give each other some slack. Because maybe something that I find slightly horrifying, you would do, but on the other hand, something that I would do, you would never think of doing. But that’s OK. And it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad Mother, or that you’re a bad Mother.
I was listening to this show today where a bunch of women were together and they actually had people come up and tell their “dirty little secrets.” And I was quite proud of these women for actually getting up there in front of other women and running the risk of being thought of as a “bad Mom.”
And maybe I’m the only one who struggles with this. Maybe its just my insecurities as a Mom that come through when these sorts of subjects come up. Maybe some of the rest of you have no trouble admitting your “dirty little secrets” of Motherhood to others. And good for you if you can do that, because there is a definitely a freedom and peace that can come from that...and an assurance that you are not alone!
So, I wrote down for you a bunch of the things that real women said on this show I was listening to. And then I sprinkled through a few of my own “dirty little secrets.” But I’ll tell you right now, I am petrified of anyone knowing which ones are mine. I don’t want to be judged. And there were a few of them (that I’ll mark with an asterisk) that I was horrified by! That I would never do. So maybe we just all need to realize that we’re all human, we all do things differently, and give each other a lot more slack and a lot more freedom to admit our mistakes without fear of judgment from another Mom who doesn’t see it quite the way we do! And hope they don't think we're so bad that they'll turn us into Social Services.

True Mom Confessions:
I wish that I would have never had kids, because it has turned out to be so hard and I sometimes wish I could take it back.
I consider it washing the bathroom floor when my two kids are in the bathtub and they get water and bubble bath all over the floor and I mop it up with towels.
My oldest son, I am still trying to “get.” He’s six years old and I’m still trying to understand him, because his personality is so different from mine. I think he really would be better off living with my sister, who understands him much better.
On more than just a few occasions, I have fed my child (for dinner) 40% reduced fat potato chips, instead of a vegetable.
I haven’t shaved my legs in three days.
I’ve allowed my son to watch TV for 4 hours straight, just so I could get something done.
**Sometimes when we’re in the store and my child asks for candy, I just tell him that I don’t have any money, so I don’t have to fight with him about not getting the candy. (I am horrified by this because I have VERY high standards about honesty with my children. I would never lie to them about anything. Santa included.)
When I have lots of errands to run, I sometimes leave my kids in the car. Like at the post office or the gas station. Because I'll "be right back. What can happen in two minutes?"
On more than one occasion, I have had this fantasy of leaving, and getting a hotel, and staying for I don’t know how long, and not telling anybody and just staying. And it keeps recurring.
If I see that my kitchen floor is dirty, instead of mopping the whole thing, I just grab some paper towel, wet it down a little, and clean the dirtiest spots that way.
I hide my paperwork that I haven’t gone through in my kids toys in the garage, so my son comes in on a regular basis and asks when I am going to get all that stuff out of his wagon so he can play with it.
I hide the “good chocolate” in a separate cupboard, and my 7 year old just discovered it and asked me “Mommy, how come you keep those donuts that you love so much way up high where we can’t reach them?” and I just said “I don’t know.”
On more than one occasion my children have had to brush their teeth with gum on the way to school.
Sometimes my son needs a bath and instead we’ll just get some baby wipes and wipe him down!
I really hate doing laundry, so one time I waited a REALLY long time, just to see if my husband would actually put a load in, and he didn’t. So he woke me up before he went to work one day and said “I can’t wear underwear to work, because there isn’t any that is clean” and after that, he actually did the laundry.
I don’t bother with brushing my kids teeth until they are at least three years old or so.
I told my chronically constipated child that if he kept holding it in, it would come out his mouth.
We only have vegetables for supper a few nights a week. And even then I don’t really require the kids to eat their vegetables.
On particularly bad days, when my daughter is being messy and doesn’t want to pick up her toys, I tell her the “dumpster dude” is going to come and take her toys away. And then I have the neighbor come over and knock on the door and by the time I chat a little and get back to her room...the toys are cleaned up!
I often go away without buckling my children into their car seats.
When my child wakes up with a mild fever and I have an appointment that I need to get to or something that really needs to get done, I give them Motrin and send them to day care/school anyway. That way it will be at least 4 to 6 hours before it wears off and they call me to come pick up the child. And in the meantime, I got done what I needed to.
**There are nights that I can’t deal with my child not going to bed, because he never goes to bed before ten. I give him quite a LOT of Benadryl, so he’ll go to sleep. (I am very much against medicating children for your own convenience!)

Which ones horrify you? Which ones would you do? And were you trying to figure out which ones I wrote? Because if you are, then you're passing judgment on me, right?
Am I totally off base on this one? Or is this a case of where I think I might be alone with my insecurities but I'm actually not, if others were totally honest.
PS - I know that this whole "being a better Mom" and "having more honesty among ourselves" thing is kind of a theme of mine, but its stuff that I'm still working through. A lot! That's why you hear about it so often!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Pictures of our week end

This past week end we ended up taking a short notice trip to Sparta, WI.
We were planning to go to the cities to deliver firewood and then go to Sparta next weekend, but it turned out that we were off on our week ends, so we ended up combining both trips into one.
We drove to the Cities Friday nite and stayed at the same LivInn Suites that we stayed at when Jeremy and I went to the Melting Pot. The kids love staying at hotels. As soon as you get into the room they go crazy...jumping on the beds, running around. Guess its just pretty exciting!

This kind of stuff. Jeremy was playing with them too.

And then the boys were stuffing their blankets down into their pants and jumping around. Not sure why this is so fun, but it makes it look like they've got a really big butt! Anyway, of course Nikki wanted to follow their lead.

We took them to McDonald's the next morning and let them play after breakfast. I've noticed that when there is a playground, they don't eat their food so well. They're too anxious to play.
We delivered some firewood around the cities and then I took them to the St. Paul Public Library. This library is SO huge. It takes up about 1/2 a city block. I would have LOVED to spend a whole day there, but we mostly went for a magic show that I had learned they were having when I was doing internet research on something fun we could do with the kids in Minneapolis/St. Paul.
Plus, Jeremy couldn't find a parking spot, so I had to take the kids in by myself. The show was really good. I still haven't really outgrown my interest in that kind of thing. One thing he did was put this rabbit skin into a book, shut the book, and pulled out a live rabbit. Seriously, how do they do that kind of thing?
The outside of the building was really cool. In fact, when we got there, there was a wedding party getting pictures taken in front of it. The building had these really cool stairs and stone pillars, etc. All I could think was "I bet Shannon would love to be here. She could take such cool pictures." But I have a cheap digital camera and no photography skills, but I still snapped some pictures while I waited for Jeremy to pick us up.

I LOVE this picture! My little Nikki...what an angel she is. I told Jeremy lately that I couldn't imagine a little girl with a better personality than she has. Not that she is never ornary or naughty, but she is such a ray of sunshine. She's so smiley and happy most of the time!

I want to point out, on this picture, what really strikes me is the interaction between the boys. Kendall is looking to Derrick to copy what Derrick is doing, and then he is trying to do the same thing, but just not quite as well. That is the story of their lives. Derrick gets SO tired of Kendall copying him, but Kendall cannot resist copying his older brother, who he looks up to.

And I think this one really shows their individual personalities. Kendall is a crazy kid...that's just the way it is.

Then we traveled on to Sparta and stayed overnight with my cousin Sheila and her husband Bruce. I had a really great time visiting with her and the kids had a lot of fun playing.

Bruce and Sheila Graber

This is Sheila's son Darrin, looking at a book with Nikki

And this is their daughter Krista. Very nice, polite kids they have.

So, that was the week end. We went to Living Word Fellowship in Sparta on Sunday morning and then traveled home after potluck at the church.
A couple of other things:
We are planning to get professional family pictures done this fall and I am planning!? to send out a Christmas letter for once, unless my life goes totally haywire before that. So, if any of my Xanga friends wants to get my Christmas letter and a family picture, please message me your address. I thought this was probably the easiest way to figure out who to send them to.
What would you do with your 2 year old daughter if you were going on a date with her? I need some ideas.
Why I blog? I had been thinking about this and then thinking about it even more because I read a post on it today from SeekingHISwisdom. So, here are my reasons.
I like to write. I love to hear what other people have to say about what is going through my head. I love the input and advice. I enjoy sharing my life and things I am learning with others. I like that I can connect with people who are so far away from where I am. I love to debate, so if that happens on my blog, I'm totally for it. I enjoy the encouragement we can give each other. I guess that's mostly why. And I think those are good enough reasons.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Why?

Jeremy is gone on a "date" with Kendall.

The two other kids will be going to bed within a 1/2 hour or so.

What is it within me that makes me want to eat the rest of that tub of Moose Tracks Ice Cream and watch "The New Adventures of Old Christine" instead of...

...reading my Bible and eating baby carrots?..

Thursday, 12 November 2009

My Two-Fifths of a Second

Excerpt from "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan:
It goes sort of like this....
Suppose you are an extra in an upcoming movie. You will probably scrutinize the one scene where hundreds of people are milling around, just waiting for that two-fifths of a second when you can see the back of your head. Maybe your mom or your closest friend get excited at that two-fifths of a second with you...maybe. But no one else will realize it is you. Even if you tell them, they won't care.
Let's take it a step further. What if you rent out the entire theater on opening night and invite all your friends and family to come see the new movie about you? People will say "You're an idiot! How could you think this movie is about you?"
Many Christians are even more delusional than the person I've been describing. So many of us think and live like the movie of life is all about us.
Now consider the movie of life...
God creates the world.
Then people rebel against God...
God floods the earth to rid it of the mess people made of it.
Several generations later, God singles out a ninety-nine year old man called Abram.
And on it goes.
You get the picture. The story/movie is ALL about God!
We have only our two-fifths-of-a-second-long scene to live. I don't know about you, but I want my two-fifths of a second to be about my making much of God. First Corinthians 10:31 says "So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." That is what each of our two-fifths of a second is about.
So,what does that mean for you?
Frankly, you need to get over yourself.
End of excerpt.
And he goes on to talk more about how whether in good situations or bad, tough times or happy times, our goal is to bring glory to God through our lives. Wow! And then I think about how wrapped up I get in my own little world, and my goals, and my family, and my to-do lists, and I feel ashamed. Chastened. Sad. Because I am just a tiny, tiny dot in the scope of God's plan. And yet HE cared enough to die for me and to love me. How can I not make my life all about Him, as I understand that truth?
This Crazy Love book is rocking my world. Shaking me up and making me think. Francis talks about a number of characteristics of the lukewarm Christian.
This is one of the many that hit me hard, but this one so much described me that he could have been inside my head.
LUKEWARM PEOPLE rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.
How many times do I not make use of an opportunity to share my faith because I am afraid of people? Afraid of losing a friend? And yet, I have found the pearl of great price. Do I act like that is what Jesus and my faith is to me?
And then another little section from the book that really got me thinking...
The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, and all physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisified with heaven, if Christ was not there?
And when I was totally honest with myself and thought this through, I realized that it is true of me that I probably would be satisified with heaven without Christ there. And that is a profoundly sad thing to realize and I want that to change.
This is the prayer of my heart: Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. And when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me.
Because sometimes we just need to pray that God would help us to have that hunger and thirst for Him and know how to love Him more! Even that part of it we can't conjure up on our own.
And a couple of other "random" quotes:
"One of the greatest uses of Twitter/Facebook/Xanga, will be to prove on the last day that prayerlessness was not for lack of time!" John Piper (He didn't have Xanga in there, but I put it in because that would probably be the one that would affect me the most. And you could fill in the blank in your own life. Whatever it is that you make time for that should not be a priority. Let God speak to you about that.)
Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers.
And then I was listening to some sermons yesterday and these verses were preached on. It definitely struck me in a new way and was uplifting and encouraging to me, so I thought I'd pass it on.
I Peter 1:1 - 5 (my added stuff in parentheses)
Simon Peter, a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ, (This is the great Peter. The one who walked with Jesus. One of the greatest men of all time. And look how he introduces himself. A servant and apostle of Jesus Christ. He didn't run through a list of credentials and whose who stuff, the most important thing about Him was that he was a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ. What humility.)
To those who through the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ have received a faith as precious as ours. (Think about this! Here was a man who walked with Jesus, personally, and knew him intimately. Yet he says that we have received a faith as precious as his. Do you really believe that in your heart? Do you believe that you can be as close to God as Peter was? That your faith is as precious as his? And if not, why not?)
Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. (And here's the part that really struck me. See how it says here that grace and peace can be ours' in abundance. Don't we all so much desire that? And how does that happen? It tells us right here!! "Through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." And this is not the kind of knowledge like "Oh, yeah, I kind of, sort of know this person." This is an intimate knowledge that comes through spending lots of time with God, reading the Word, talking with Him. But when we really KNOW Him, He will give us grace and peace in abundance.)
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by his own glory and goodness. (So, here's another one. His power has given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness. Everything! That doesn't mean that some days we don't have access to His power and some days we do. This means that God's power is enough for everything we need for godliness. There really are no excuses for being ungodly. But again, look how we get that divine power: Through our KNOWLEDGE of Him! See how very, very important knowing God intimately is? It should be the #1 priority in our lives. And how many days do we live as though knowing God is the #1 priority in our lives? I'm not "preaching" to anyone else more than myself...I'm just sharing what God has been speaking to me about!)
Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

So, you know, I was going to blog about some of my "hot buttons" and I even had a bunch of the post typed up and saved, but I just didn't feel peace about posting it. I didn't feel like it was coming across in the right attitude.
And so I decided I wouldn't post it. And then I was listening to a sermon yesterday and part of it was about how we should be "slow to speak, slow to wrath, quick to listen" and how we need to show grace to others, and then I was SURE that I wasn't going to post it. Because I need to be slower to speak and slower to get upset about things. And I want to make sure that my "hot buttons" are also things that would be God's "hot buttons."
I will just challenge you with one comment about the thing of dates with your spouse, and I feel like this is out of a heart of love and a burden for marriages: Whether you go on dates or not is a matter of priorities and whether it is important enough to you or not. Kind of like our relationship with God. The excuses can be knocked down one by one if it is something that we really want. That's my opinion.