Month: April 2013

  • You don’t know what you don’t know…

    Last week I read the following story that someone had posted on Facebook.  Maybe you saw it too. Maybe you had a completely different reaction than I did.  But the idea for writing this post has been swirling around in my head ever since.

    Here is the article I read –

    Dear Mom On the iPhone,

    I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach the
    m manners, have them do their chores.

    But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

    Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

    You aren’t.

    Photo: Dear Mom On the iPhone,</p>
<p>I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.</p>
<p>But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..</p>
<p>Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.</p>
<p>You aren’t.</p>
<p>Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.</p>
<p>He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.</p>
<p>Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.</p>
<p>Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.</p>
<p>Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.</p>
<p>Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!</p>
<p>Play time at the park will be over before you know it.</p>
<p>The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.</p>
<p>They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”</p>
<p>There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.</p>
<p>Because they know…</p>
<p>You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..</p>
<p>I know that’s not true, Mommy.</p>
<p>I know your heart says differently.</p>
<p>But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.</p>
<p>May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all. ♥

    Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.

    He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

    Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.

    Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

    Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

    Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

    Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

    The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

    They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

    There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.

    Because they know…

    You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

    I know that’s not true, Mommy.

    I know your heart says differently.

    But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

    May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.

     

    (End of article)

     

    I read this and my reaction was anger and frustration.  And some other emotions that I couldn’t initially identify.  (Just to be clear…nothing at all against the friend who posted this on her Facebook, this has nothing to do with her.)

    Here’s the thing:  You don’t know what you don’t know.

    Maybe this Mom just spent the morning baking cookies with her kids and her phone was not even turned on.

    Maybe she’s going through a really rough time in her life and she is busy texting a friend, who is her lifeline right now.

    Maybe just this morning she contemplated getting in her car, dropping her kids off with her Mother, and just driving.  Not knowing where she is going or when she will be back.  Just leaving.  And inside, she pulled herself together, grabbed her three kids and her phone, and took them to the park.  She said to herself “If I can just make it through today…”

    Maybe, just maybe, she knows what I know.  That kids will NEVER get tired of your attention even if you give it to them all of the time.  They will want more.  And more. And they will suck you dry.  Maybe she believes that it is OK for kids to have to entertain themselves sometimes.  Honestly, I think its cool that she even TOOK them to the park.  She could have sat inside and watched TV all day.

    Maybe she’s struggling as a Mom and God only knows that if she HAD to be present with her kids every moment of every day, she wouldn’t be able to do it.  She would literally have to run away.  That she feels this pressure on her chest all the time…and elephant of guilt and “should have’s” and “I’m not enoughs.”

    Yes, our children are growing up.  No, they won’t always want us to take them to the park.  But that’s how life is.  Things change.  Children grow up.  And its a good thing.  You can’t keep them in a time warp.

    I get the idea of enjoying moments with your children.  I think it is important!  I know that I will one day look back and say “Wow! Weren’t those the days?”  But I think that right now a lot of times.  But that doesn’t mean that I am always fully present to watch every little stunt my boys do or see every twirly-dance my daughter does.

    They need me, yes.  They need my love and attention and acceptance.  I am important in their lives. 

    But I am not their whole world. And they aren’t mine.   I have a life of my own too.  And its OK if I want to live it. 

    And if that includes taking them to a park and then sitting there and reading a book or chatting with a girlfriend or being on my phone while they play, then don’t try to make me feel guilty about it.  They’re fine.  They’re totally fine. 

    Maybe this feeling of anger and frustration and “I don’t know if I can breathe” comes from a place in my life right now where I feel suffocated by the needs of those around me.  I feel like I’ve hit a wall and I need to do some things for me.  I don’t want to resent my children.  I am so happy they are in my life and I was the one who chose to be a Mother.  I know that! 

    But I need some space.  I need some breathing room.  I need to stop worrying about how every decision might impact their fragile physche.  I need to be able to frickin’ be on my phone while they play at the park. 

    Because without that balance and without feeding my own soul and without setting boundaries, I can’t even be a Mom.

    I think I am just sick and tired of the pressure.  All the time.  I just want to live.  I want to enjoy the moments that I get and the ones that slip by…well, so what? 

    I realize that this might seem controversial.  I know this article that I copied here was meant to be written in a sweet and caring and non-judgmental way.  But am I the only one who still feels the judgment?  Subtle as it may be.  We are assuming a lot of negative things about this Mom. And we don’t even know her!! 

    I feel naked and vulnerable in writing this post.  But it has been in my head ever since last Friday and I can’t get it out.  So here is my bumbling attempt to express myself.