February 26, 2013
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{Questioning the Means to the End}
Looking at this picture, I have no clue why we were hesitant to buy Kendall a gun.
Do you? (ha, ha)
You know how sometimes you try the same things over and over with your strong willed child and it seems to be to no avail?
Things like patience and kindness and love.
And, then, one day your son comes home from school with homework.
Immediately, he starts in to the same old pattern. Whining. Fussing. Crying.
He’s 8. Ok. Let’s not forget that small fact. He’s not 2 any more.
There are other ways to communicate.
So I said to him, calmly but firmly. ”Listen. You need to stop crying and whining. I will help you. But you need to talk in a regular voice.”
His teacher had recently confirmed that he NEVER cries about his work at school. So I know he is capable of doing homework without tears.
After a few exchanges back and forth, I said “You need to stop using that voice” and then he said “Well, then you need to stop using that voice.”
He says its my yelling voice. Really, it is just me being stern and talking in a moderate but firm voice.
I said “Ok, you stop whining and crying and talk in your regular voice and I’ll do the same.”
We attempted to proceed.
But there was just more crying and fussing.
So I yelled loudly (actually yelled) at him “GET YOUR WORK DONE!”
He looked at me with surprise and the corner of his mouth turned up in a twitchy smile.
He knew what was going on. He was whining so I was really and truly yelling.
But, he couldn’t quite decide to find it funny.
After all. Mom had yelled. How dare she???
He said something else whiny and I yelled (yes, really yelled) again.
“I DON’T CARE. JUST DO YOUR HOMEWORK!”
This time, his face turned into a pout and he stormed off to his room and slammed the door.
Repeatedly.
I wondered if I had just made a parenting error. Maybe had a lapse in judgement.
Because I know that 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Usually, at least.
But…we have had this homework (crying, whining) issue for quite some time and frankly, I was just pretty fed up with it.
I was ready to try something different.
Guess what? After about 10 minutes he came out of his room.
His math homework was done.
He was part way finished with his other homework sheet and this time, when he asked for help from me, he used a reasonable and normal tone of voice.
And so did I.
The homework was finished within 10 minutes after his re-appearance and the rest of the day continued on without any further ado.
If you were appalled while reading this, then I would be interested in hearing a better solution.
Did I cross the line? Does the fact that I got my message across justify the means by which I did it?
I’m not sure.
But the homework did get done. The attitude did change.
I’m just left wondering if it was all OK.
Comments (13)
I think, as a parent of an intelligent, sometimes smart-mouthed, 8 year old boy myself, that sometimes yelling is necessary. And sometimes the lesson is if you want to be treated like a big kid and not a baby, then you have to act like a big kid and not a baby.
The job got done and he knows mom means what she says.
No criticism here.
I love what Beth said about if you want to be treated like a big kid, you have to act like one. (And then hope that the big kids act maturely!) I’d say, it’s okay, and tomorrow is another day to figure things out. Hugs!
first of all. LOVE your realness. from not being afraid to post a pic of your son w/ a gun!
{i got in trouble for that years ago if you remember} to admitting you yelled at him. and i had to laugh, cause i’ve done the same thing myself – felt that raising my voice got my point across better. and of course, it always does. thing is, i go back and forth with whether or not it’s “good.” because whenever i yell i’m usually angry and my words cut sharper than i meant and i see that look of shock/fear on my kids faces and just HATE IT.
the biggest thing for me is the example it gives them. because without fail when i’ve been angry and yelling, i hear them doing the same to each other! like my 2 year old who i’ve noticed this week using the word, “stupid.” of course she says it in the cutest way, “oh, dis tupid fing!” at first i was like, “where in the world…” and then very quickly, oh yeah. :/
what’s that saying? more is caught than taught. ugh. that’s always biting me in the butt! haha.
in your case though i think you’re asking it more as a once in a while thing and not as a way of life.. and with that i’d say you’re the mom and know your kids and how to best handle them – and sometimes, yes.. it’s through trial and error.
)
yes.
because you made a conscious choice to use that method.
you did not get yell out of frustration, in the heat of anger.
you are a good mom. and kendal is a funny boy and i believe, he will someday be a good man!
He’s got his finger inside the trigger guard when it’s obvious he’s not aiming at a specific target – that’s a bad habit in terms of gun safety. Best thing to do is to extend the finger along the flat surface above the trigger guard until you’re actually aimed at a target.
i have no answers. because i find myself in these shoes all too often.
and, because of that, not only am i answer-less, i’m the last one to judge you in it.
hey, if it works then I won’t question it!!
hey, if it works then I won’t question it!!
that picture is adorable. not sure that the gunslinger wants to be called that… but still. it’s true.
not appalled. and no judgement here either.
pretty much same reason as rachel’s… feeling answerless. i have kids who clearly like to push my buttons ( power and control issues maybe?) (ha) so i’m wondering myself about cutting off the continued opportunities for THEIR inappropriate behaviors before i cave into some version of my own.
It occurs to me that part of the problems in the world today are caused by parents who didn’t correct their children firmly enough one or two generations ago. Correcting with patience and kindness and love may work for a while, but it doesn’t necessarily steer the child in the right direction to correct his own behavior. In this case, you handled it well, yelling once, and then responding to his better behavior with a different tone. Sometimes you need to correct firmly, then express love separately in order for it to work.
I read this after you posted and meant to come back because it’s a good question. I like the comments too.
I know that I do stuff I never dreamed I’d do because sometimes I get desperate for a method that WORKS. I get that yelling isn’t the norm for you and I’m sure you aim to keep it that way.
This was probably more effective than nagging and pleading–which I do waaay too much of.
I don’t have big answers either. I’m learning right with you. Each and every day.
The proof is in the pudding…he changed his attitude, right?
I think sometimes you have to be firm. Yelling all the time is one thing, but sometimes you need to be tough. I think you were just fine.
Love the gun picture.
Happy Thursday Audrey.
lol…I laugh only because I have had so many situations with my son where I doubt if I did the right thing. Sounds like you did and sometimes boys need a Mean mom for the afternoon and being a Nice mom would go nowhere
What a cutie! I agree with what Beth said!
Boys also don’t hold grudges like girls do so you have that in your favor