I like this quote.  A lot.

And I feel like it kind of sums up what I am feeling right now.

Sometimes, there is nothing left to say and a person needs to just be in a listening mode.

I feel that within me.  I have so many struggles and things I am trying to figure out and work through. Internal stuff.

Feeling like I need to work on things inside my own heart but not knowing how to sort out the things that need to be changed from the things that don’t.  Where to accept the way I am and where I need to grow.

I have been forcing myself to write but even as I read back over it…it sounds flat. 

I made an appointment with a counsellor yesterday.  The same one that Jeremy and I went to years ago.  I told Jeremy that I need to “get my sh** together”.  And then we laughed when I said “I was going to ask you if you were ok with me going…and then I realized it doesn’t really matter if you are or not.”

And then he said “Yeah, I guess if I’m not ok with it, I can make my own appointment and talk to the counsellor about it!”

This morning I was just praying and talking to God and my mind was just spinning.  I just asked God to give me a word or SOMETHING for today.

After a bit, the word “peace” came to my mind and I recalled that verse in John that says “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth…”

I feel that today.  That peace.  Knowing that God and I will get it all figured out.  Knowing that the process isn’t always easy.  Knowing that God loves me just.as.I.am.   In all of my screwed-up-ness and my struggle.

I need to hang on to that.  But I also feel like I need silence.  The sleep that nourishes wisdom.

The famous Ann V. says, in her apparently un-edited book, (inside joke. Lisa!!) that “the only way to slow  the current of time is to weigh it down with our FULL attention.”

I honestly have no idea how to make this happen.

I try. By times. I read in the book called “The Mindful Woman” that every so often throughout your day you should stop and close your eyes and think about anything that you can hear or see or smell or feel.

Its kind of a cool experiment. I’ve tried it. But I bet I haven’t done that in close to a year!  I’m real good about sticking to things, apparently! 

Just today, I read about how they did a study that linked people of a lower/more healthy weight to the same people who ate their food slowly. With conscious thought. Not while reading or watching TV or whatever. Uh-oh.

I understand (in my head) the concept of weighing down the moments with my full attention.

When your child hugs you, I imagine that it would be good to really stop and feel the weight of their little arms around you. Breathe in the scent of their little body.  Look them in the eyes.

In a perfect world!!  Sigh.

In my world, a lot of days I say something like “Ok, let go of me, Nikki. I need to keep on making supper.”

I feel a lot of guilt about the way that my days fly by and I seldom seem to concentrate on one thing at a time, much less have meaningful moments with my family.

But, on the other hand, I am not sure that it is really possible or feasible for a mom and wife.

I am thinking that even if I had ONE moment a day that I could really freeze in time and remember, I would be doing well.

Back when I did my “Noticer” series on my blog, I remember loving what I discovered through that — the fact that my life is full of really rich, great moments.

I also remember learning that often what led to the great moments was doing something different than normal. Saying a “Yes” where I would have normally said “No”.  And then really being present in that moment.

I DO recall a moment from yesterday.   Derrick wasn’t feeling good. He had a headache and fever. At some point in the evening, he was standing up and I just gave him a hug and maybe asked him how he was feeling. (Ok, I guess I’m not SUPER clear on all the details.)  Anyway, this is what I remember:  As I hugged him, he actually leaned into me. Leaned against me.  And stayed there for more than a second.  His head fits right up against my collarbone…he’s getting that tall.  I remember thinking that the hug seeemd to say “I still need you Mom.  I find comfort in your closeness.  I want to be hugged, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.” 

Maybe I could do this?  Set the alarm on my phone for a certain time each day and then make myself stop at that time and close my eyes and think about what I can see or smell or hear or feel. It could be a fun experiment.

I could do a trial run right now!! (Says the over-achiever within me!)

What I hear?  Two guys talking in the main part of the office.  The hum of the pellet mills vibrating on the other side of my office wall.  My little heater running (of and on) at my feet (because I’m always cold).  The clacking of the keys as I type.

I see my computer screen. I see a logger in the outer office, wearing all tan clothing and a tan hat, (why??)  telling a story in an animated way.  Papers in hand.  I see checks waiting to be signed. I see the big pink ring I am wearing on my right hand.  My water bottle.  Sticky notes.  The phone. Piles of papers.

I feel happy.  And relaxed. 

What can I smell?  Nothing, really.  Maybe my own perfume. I guess the air around here is scent-less.

I am interested in your tricks for learning to pay full attention to those special moments in your lives. Because God knows I can use all the help I can get!

I say that random is the “New Normal” because that is what I seem to do best these days. Whether in my mind or in my life or in my blogging. Between Random words of the day and random posts about anything and everything, I dare say it IS the “New Normal.”  (Not sure why that needs to be capitalized, but it does!)

I worked on this puzzle over the weekend.  Its been sitting there, barely started, for a month.  This past weekend I spent (way too many) hours working on it. I became a bit obsessed.  I finished it on Monday and wouldn’t you know…there is a piece missing. Right in the center of the puzzle. I am trying not to be too upset about this.

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I have been doing Level 1 (because two and three are two hard for a softie like me) of Jillian’s Michaels 30 day shred off and on for a long time now.  This is an “on” time again.  Sometimes, while I am working out and huffing and puffing, in my head I think little things like “I hate you, Jillian Michaels.  I hate your pretty ankle tattoo and your flat stomach and your perky little voice and your glossy ponytail.”  She doesn’t even seemed bothered by the conversation in my head!  Dang Jillian!

Last night, I picked up Subway for dinner.  I get so tired of the rush of getting home from work, quickly making supper and rushing off to Bible study that one night a week.  So I decided to just skip the “making supper” part.  It was awesome!  Kendall was like “Thank you, Mom, for bringing supper from Subway!!”  Apparently, Subway is a better cook than I am. 

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I woke up this morning to a daughter who was starting with pink eye. Which I happen to know she got from a girl at school whose parents sent her to school with pink eye. I didn’t want to repeat the cycle, so guess what Nikki is doing today?  Spending a whole day with her Grandpa.  I made sure she had some coloring pages and papers for drawing and she packed up her Polly Pockets and a lunch and I dropped her off (with her freshly streaked, pink hair, which I am sure Grandpa loved – not!) before taking the boys to school. It almost made me feel like a little girl…dropping my daughter off with my Dad.  Like, I could almost BE her. Spending a day with my Dad. Does that make any sense?

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Two times within the last week or so I have come down to the basement to find the patio door on the other end of the basement partially open.  I didn’t even tell Jeremy, because I knew he would be more upset than I was at whichever kid left the door hanging open.  You know what freaks me out the most about that?  A critter could wander in and be living in our basement and I would never know until one day I open the closet in the spare bedroom and beady eyes are staring back at me!!!

I wore this to work on Tuesday. Boots, leggings and a short(ish) skirt.  I see this on people all the time and I like it.  I have worn this sort of an outfit before.  Yet, every time I put this outfit on I feel a whisper in my ear that says I look like a  _ _ _ _ (insert word of choice here. Not complimentary.)

And then I hear those same voices say “Well, the reason you feel that way is because you shouldn’t be wearing that outfit.”  (Only certain people with similar upbringing to mine will understand this!)  Sometimes I do not know how to distinguish between actual Holy Spirit versus voices in my head from years gone by.

Nikki drew this at school yesterday. I totally heart my kids’ drawings. I wish I could keep them all. This is a castle, by the way.

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I started cleaning and organizing my house, room by room, and now I am finally done!  You want to know when I started?  THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST.  Three frickin’ months and I am finally done. And you want to know what else?? The part where I first started doesn’t even look like it was organized anymore and I could totally start all over again and go through the rooms in rotation.  But I am NOT doing that!!!

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My book club calls itself “The Skinny Girls” because we like to drink “Skinny Girl Margaritas.”  That’s all well and good until you go into the library to request the book for the new month and you have to say “Its for the Skinny Girls”.  And then you feel like they’re all checking you out and you have to explain your muffin top and you’re kicking yourself for not wearing your Spanx that day!  You feel like you should maybe even make a promise to them, something like “I swear I’ll lose 5 lbs. before I come in next month.”

There is hardly anything that breaks my Mother heart more than a child’s unadulterated hope and enthusiam about something that you know will likely not happen.

From downstairs, I overheard this conversation yesterday.

Derrick — “Kendall. You only have one bucket of acorns left.”

Kendall — “Yeah.”

Derrick  (very excited voice) — “You better go out and pick another bucket full of acorns.  Because what if you get orders for two buckets in one day and then you won’t be prepared.”

Then I hear them getting all geared up to go out and pick more. And I just feel this sadness for them that I can’t exactly explain.  And it spills over into the rest of their life and how many disappointments they will face and how I can’t protect them and it makes my heart ache.  Seriously. I could almost cry. 

A guy from work gave me this old calculator/planner/electronic address book thing that he never uses. I thought that the kids would have fun playing with it.  Only problem…we can’t get it to turn on.  So Nikki was still pretend-typing her name into it and playing with the calculator.  I guess maybe it doesn’t need batteries after all.

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Halloween is my least favorite time of the year.  Hands down.  We don’t get into Halloween at all, which is very counter cultural.  I give my kids the choice whether to attend the Halloween parties at school or not and this year Nikki is attending but both the boys are not.  I never grew up doing Halloween and I didn’t miss it, and I honestly would just rather skip the whole thing.  Its not that I think it is wrong to dress up and go out and get candy. I can see that it would be fun.  And I don’t mean to judge anyone who is into Halloween. Please don’t take it that way.  But so much of it is dark and evil and I just can’t get into it at all.  It just makes for quite a few awkward discussions for my kids and myself and its really not that fun. 

My kids (boys especially) have been SO into playing Legos lately. This whole setup is on our coffee table right now. And that little bunker in the front…I took a close up picture of that because that is where they have been collecting all the cool little Lego pieces they find in their digging.  They literally spent probably 5 hours playing Legos last Saturday with our neighbor boy. It made me so happy! And there was pretty much zero bickering or fighting.  I love Legos (for my kids) and the creativity and fun that is involved.

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Derrick is supposed to do an essay on Veteran’s Day for school. He is in 4th grade and there is a contest and there will be a winner announced when they decide who had the best essay.  When he brought that home, man, my competitive spirit kicked in! It was almost like I was back in school myself. I started researching stuff for him on the computer, I brought up 2 books from downstairs for him, and I printed off some inspiring stories of Veteran’s for him to read. I forced him to read at least one of the stories!

Apparently, the dream to win the 4th Grade Veteran’s Day essay contest is MY dream and not his!!! Finally, after much disinterest in the great materials!! I had discovered for him, I said “Derrick, do you WANT to win the contest??” and he just looked at me and said “No. Not really.”  And that is when I knew I had to step back.  This is not really my problem.   But dang! I wish he wanted to win!

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Tomorrow I go on a little drive to visit a good friend who has moved a couple of hours away. I am super excited to spend time with her!  I know we will never get everything said that we want to say in the few hours that I am there, but it is at least a start!