My Moment yesterday is captured in pictures within this post.

Heading outside in the bright, warm sunshine...pushing my daughter on the swing...hearing her laugh like crazy when I tried to “get her feet” while she was swinging.

Hearing her say “Mommy, give me an under-duck” and seeing her big smiles and her love for life. Looking up at the bright blue sky and feeling so grateful for a beautiful day in the midst of lots of cold and wind and rain.

I have been doing this “Noticer” series for about a week now.  I have loved capturing the Moments and I have loved what searching for the Moments and embracing them when they come has done in my heart.

                                                                                      (This is her "I believe I can fly" pose.)

I would like to continue to incorporate my Moments into my posts somehow, but am trying to figure out how to do that.  Maybe at the end of my posts each day I’ll write down a little Moment that I have experienced the previous day.

I have been feeling kind of confused about who I am as a writer.  And about what sort of writer I want to be.

Some people seem to have figured out what type of writing they want to do. Whether informative about their everyday lives, humorous, deep spiritual stuff, beautiful photography, etc.

I feel like I am having somewhat of an identity crises about myself as a blogger/writer.  Do I go back to the "Random Word" theme, do I just write about what strikes me for that day, do I want to do more recording of the Moments of my daily life as a way to journal and remember years down the road? Do I want to focus on writing about things of God as a way of encouraging others and drawing them closer to Him?

I know that I love to write and I would love to write consistently in a certain style, but I can’t seem to find my niche.

Sometimes I am in the mood to write about everyday moments...sometimes I am in the mood to write with humor...sometimes I want to write about things that God has been teaching me or a book I have been reading...sometimes I want to write about clothing and shoes...sometimes I want to write to get something off my chest. 

I want to find “my lane” but yet I don’t like to be restricted in what I write about.  I want to be able to roll with the flow of what I am feeling that day, because I love to write the most when I can just write about things that are real and authentic and genuine in my life,  no matter what category that may fall into.

I guess I will just keep on bumbling my way through until I get to a point of figuring out what sort of a writer I want to be and if you stick with me for the ride, kudos to you!

In the meantime, you get it all...the serious, the humorous, the crazy, the dis-jointed, the flowing, the sad, the happy, and the good, the bad and the ugly!

(And then bunny needed a little ride too!)

**I wanted to announce that "houseintheprairie" is the lucky winner of my random drawing from the commenters on my blog yesterday!  Please message me your address and the book that you would like to have sent to you and I will get it out for you!  (Liz and Cindy...I am sorry to say that I only counted ALL of your comments as 1 each, but it did put a big smile on my face and you guys' sense of humor is priceless!)

You may have been proud of me yesterday in my little savoring moments...well, today, I will let you down.

And not softly or slowly either.

I was TOTALLY not in the “capturing moments” mood today.

The morning started out well and good.  Other than the fact that we woke up to almost 2” of wet, heavy snow on the ground and my windshield wiper quit working when I tried to use it to remove the heavy, wet snow from my windshield.

I got up early and exercised, showered, got the kids breakfast, packed my lunch, ran outside to capture some pictures of the pretty (albeit somewhat annoying) snow.  AND I made myself a cup of coffee.

Which is quite noteworthy, because this may be 1 of 5 times in my life that I have ever made myself coffee in the morning.

But I was all excited about my cinnamon flavored French Vanilla creamer I had just bought, and it did not disappoint.

I got out my very cheery, makes me happy red mug and filled it with hot coffee, added two packs of sweetener, and a generous dose of creamer.

Yum, yum, yum!  

I savored it.  I enjoyed it. I sipped it while I finished getting ready.  I felt grateful for the few extra minutes to drink my coffee.  I even ate part of one of the bars I had made the day before, and if I do say so myself, it was amazingly delicious.

And then it was off to the races.

All my savoring and oh-look-I-actually-have-time-to-drink-my-homemade-coffee turned into oh-crap-there-is-the-bus-we-are-going-to-miss-it.

We didn’t...quite, but it was very close.

I dropped Nicole off at my sister-in-laws and then it was to work for me.

I spent the day sitting in the office...doing bookwork...answering the phone...catching up on blogs when I wasn’t busy...feeling totally distracted and like my mind was going in five different directions all the time.

I picked the kids up around 5 and I will admit it...I was just in a bad mood.

What I really wanted was for them to disappear for the evening and I could veg out with a bowl of ice cream and watch American Idol from last night.

Instead, what happened is that Jeremy was gone, working on cutting down some trees for a friend, and I got the kids supper (Mom...don’t you remember that I don’t like Ranch dressing on my salad? and two kids who didn’t want to eat their potatoes) and we all watched American Idol together.

I was irritable and I knew it.

I thought to myself “I need to look for moments to enjoy with my children” and then I thought “Screw that.”

Oh, yeah. I’m pretty near Mother Theresa. In case you were wondering.

I knew that I shouldn’t get annoyed when they asked for a snack, and then another, before it was even 8 o’clock.  

I knew I should probably deal with the fact that Kendall did something mean to Derrick and made him cry, but all I said was “Well, Derrick. Sometimes you do things like that to Kendall. So call it even.”

I bet you never read THAT in those parenting books.

I knew that I should quit getting annoyed with Nikki and Kendall when they were trying to dance in the living room right.in.front.of.where.I.was.trying.to.watch.TV.   Was it just within the last week that I took a moment and danced with them and savored the moment in that very spot?

But I knew I wasn’t snapping out of it, so I tried to get them tucked into bed with the least amount of negative interaction from me.  

Just 10 more minutes, Audrey, and you can have your peace and quiet.

I made it through, got them all tucked into bed, and came down to the computer for the next hour or more.

I don’t know....the savoring the Moments is wonderful and enlightening and fun and joyful. It really is.

But today, I just couldn’t force it.  I wasn’t feeling it.  I probably should have tried to change it, but I didn’t.  

Call me a failure in this department today if you want.

It is what it is.

Tomorrow is another day.

Oh, I did have one very bright spot in my day.

Two pairs of shoes that I had ordered online arrived and they both fit very well.

I am especially excited about this pair.  I wore them all evening...just around the house.

Maybe that’s why I was crabby.  My feet were killing me.  (Not really. They only hurt a little. You know it takes a while to break those babies in.)

******************************

It is, once again, a FAB-U-LOUS Friday, so I would like to give away a book from the list below to one lucky winner, whose comment will be drawn randomly from all of the comments left on my post today.

I will get the book of your choice out to you, along with a little something extra.  Here's to winning...

BOOK LIST:

Ispirations for a Mother’s Soul (Mostly verses by category...New Living Translation) (Already taken)
Standing on the Promises - Susan Wales (Taken by a previous winner)
Too Much of a Good Thing - Dan Kindlon
7 Secrets of Successful Families - Jimmy Evans
A Hand to Guide Me - Denzel Washington
The Yada Yada Prayer Group - Neta Jackson
Even God Rested - Kim Thomas
The Heart of a Woman - Maya Angelou
Meditations on Proverbs for Couples - Les and Leslie Parrott
Esther...A Story of Courage - Trudy J. Morgan-Cole (Taken by a previous winner)
The Wedding - Nicholas Sparks
Putting Family First - William Doherty and Barbara Carlson
From Baghdad, With Love - Colonel Jay Kopelman
The Complete Household Organizer from Good Housekeeping (Taken by a previous winner)
Sharing His Secrets - Vickey Banks
Forgiving the Unforgivable - David Stoop
Dinner with a Perfect Stranger - David Gregory
Wake up Laughing - (Upbeat Devotions for the “Unconventional” Woman) - Rachel St. John-Gilbert
Hugs for those in Love - Ron and Lyn Rose
A Nickel’s Worth of Hope - Dr. Andre Vandenberg
Dancing through the Shadows - Theresa Tomlinson
Following Christ - Joseph Stowell
The Calling - Brother Andrew
John’s Story (The Last Eyewitness)  Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
What Happens When Women Pray - Evelyn Christenson
It’s All About Him - Denise Jackson
Story of a Soul - The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux
The Thinking Chair - Audrey Brown
Soul Talk - Larry Crabb
Have a New Husband by Friday - Dr. Kevin Leman (Taken by a previous winner)
The Partner - John Grisham - (Taken by a previous winner)
Message in a Bottle - Nicholas Sparks
The Letter - Richard Paul Evans
Only Love is Real - Brian Weiss
Cream and Bread - Janet Martin and Allen Todnem
Dear John - Nicholas Sparks
Broken on the Back Row - Sandi Patty (Already taken)
Living Faith - Jimmy Carter
The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women - Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Simplifying Your Life - Mac Hammond
Your Child Wonderfully Made - Larry Burkett and Rick Osborne
Applause of Heaven - Max Lucado
My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers daily devotional
Capture his Heart - Lysa Terkeurst
Letters to Karen - Charlie Shedd
Men, Women, and Relationships - John Gray
Official Rules of Card Games
The Memory Keeper’s Daughter - Kim Edwards
Tramp for the Lord - Corrie ten Boom
To Love and Be Loved - Sam Keen

Yesterday was a good day.   A relaxing day.  One of those days where I didn’t need to be anywhere except to take the boys to and from the bus.

I used to hate those days. Now I am totally in love with them.

I spent some time catching up on blogs and such while Nicole watched a Strawberry Shortcake movie.

I sat on the floor and looked at magazines and cut out things that I wanted to keep (recipes, websites that look interesting, books I want to read) while Nicole cut random pictures out of “People” magazine.

She was starting to get bored and she came up behind me, where I was sitting on the floor looking through my magazine, and put her arms around my neck.

You are soon going to start thinking that I am an awful Mother, what with the “not-liking-to-be-interrupted-when-in-the-middle-of-something-syndrome” and now, add to that the fact that I do not necessarily like my children crowding my space when I am doing something like sitting and looking at a magazine.

Normally, if she came up from behind like that and squeezed me around the neck in a sort of sweet but kind of rough way, I would have said “Nikki.  Don’t do that right now. I’m trying to look at a magazine.”  

But...yesterday...I stopped.  And I re-directed my normal response. Instead of brushing her off, I stopped looking at my magazine, and I reached up and grabbed those little hands that were around my neck.  I squeezed them.  I felt her breath hot on my neck.  I felt the warmth of her little hands and her body pressed against my back.  And I turned my face so that I could kiss her chubby little cheek.

I stayed there like that with her hugging my neck, just as long as she wanted to.  And I told her “I LOVE when you give me hugs.”

It is kind of humiliating to admit that even with physical affection from and towards my children, I sometimes want it when it fits into my schedule.  “OK, now I’ve got a minute where I’m not doing something else.  I have time for a hug.”  Well, when that moment rolls around, they may be off playing, or not in the mood to give out hugs to a Mom who earlier brushed them off.

(Don’t misunderstood, I do hug my kids quite often, but I also quite often do not respond properly to their show of affection when I am in the midst of trying to do something else and they are crowding my personal space.)

Later, after Nikki was down for her nap, I baked some bars.  I love to bake. I find it to be very relaxing and fun.  Yet, still, I find myself hurrying through. Because I want to have time to read for a little while and have some quiet time before Nikki wakes up.

I was throwing ingredients together, hurrying along, grabbing chocolate chips to mix into the bowl. I popped a few into my mouth, hurriedly chewed them and then I thought “I didn’t even TASTE those chocolate chips. I munched them so quickly, I didn’t even hardly notice the sweetness.”

So...I purposely put 2 chocolate chips on my tongue and I let them melt there. I stopped and savored the taste of them, the sweetness of the chocolate and the way they felt on my tongue.

And yes, maybe I only paused for 5 seconds, but I still did it.  

After the bars were baking and the house was quiet, I sat down to read.

I am re-reading Ann Voskamps “One Thousand Gifts” because that book is SO chock full of wisdom that reading it through just once didn’t cut it for me.

I know this book is Highly popular and everybody is recommending it, but in this case, it is because it is REALLY just.that.good.

And guess what chapter I was ready for.  The one about time being a gift.  

Here are some quotes that fit in SO well with my experiment this last week that I wanted to share them. Sobering thoughts, they are.  

(You can also get an idea of how she writes from reading these quotes and maybe you’ll take that step of purchasing her book. You won’t regret it! No, she is not paying me to promote her book. Wish she was! )

This was a quote from a pastor, when asked what his most profound regret in life was:

“Being in a hurry.  Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”

“On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgment and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur.”

“That is the way I have lived.  From the time the alarm first rings and I stir on our pillows touching...We race.  The barn...and hurry.  The breakfast...and hurry.  The books, the binders...and hurry!  In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still.  Hands of the clock whip hard.  So I push hard and I bark hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening their same sheer pain.  

The hurry makes us hurt.  And maybe it is the hurt that drives us on?  For all our frenzied running seemingly toward something, could it be that we are in fact fleeing - desperate to escape the pain that pursues?  Whatever the pace, time will keep it and there’s no outrunning it, only speeding it up and pounding the feet harder; the minutes pound faster too. Race for more and you’ll snag on time and leak empty.  The longer I keep running, the longer the gash, and I drain, bleed away.  Hurry always empties the soul.”

“Time is a relentless river.  When I fully enter time’s swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment.”

“Here-time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive.”

“When I am present, I meet I AM, the very presence of a present God.  In His embrace, time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands so still and...holy.”

“Life is so urgent that it necessitates living slow.  Its only the amateurs who think slow and urgent are contradictory.   In Christ, urgent means slow.”


WOW!  Did these words speak to my heart!  Talk about timing in reading this chapter again.  
I had my own little quiet Moment while reflecting on what she wrote and thinking about how it applies to my life.

You know, she’s got this “Grateful list” thing that she did.  She wrote down 1,000 gifts, and then just kept on going.

I started my own list a few weeks ago. I am at #92.

But it feels forced.  I have been wondering if I can really just “copy” her experience and have it affect me in the same way.

I have been thinking for the last few days that my recording the “moments” is my version of the “Grateful list” and it feels much more real and much more authentic to me.  Maybe because I’ve never been a person who can condense anything down into 5 or 6 words.  


Last night Bible study was cancelled on short notice.  This left us with a free evening at home with nothing planned.

We had a wonderful, fun evening with our kids.  

We played tag and we laughed and we played another game where you have to go into each room of the house and touch something of a specific color and see who can get back to the starting point first.

We played hard and we ran fast and we laughed loud and I felt so happy to have that time with my little family.  Making memories and being wild and loud and crazy.

That was a “long moment” that I wanted to record.

That’s enough for today.  

“Aprovechar el dia”, my friends!

I'm not sure how far I can go in this "Noticer" series before my knowledge of Roman Numerals has reached its limit!

Well, I guess there is always "google" when I don't know how to write "eleven" in Roman Numerals.

What did we DO before Google?  Answer me that.

Yesterday was a busy day, but a really good day.

My first Moment came pretty early in the morning. After the exercising but during breakfast.

I had gotten the kids their cereal and was working on unloading the dishwasher and I said something to Derrick or asked him a question.

As often happens, he didn't understand me, so I said it again.  Still, he responded with a "What?"  At which point I usually get a little irritated, then stop what I am doing and turn and look at him and say, a little louder this time, "I SAID blah, blah, blah."

And Derrick, knowing nothing about this "experiment" I am doing, said "You NEED to stop and look at me when you ask me something.  I have no problem hearing you when you look at me, but when you are doing something else and trying to talk to me, I can't hear you."

Out of the mouth of kids. Wow!  That conversation really stood out to me.

I know he's right.  I know my friend who told me the same thing is right.  But...is it always possible?  To stop and look at everyone who is talking to you?  I know I can do much better, so I guess I can just work at it from that angle.

I went to help my friend Roxanne today.  She is moving away.  Her husband got a new job in a town about 2 1/2 hours from us.  Roxanne is one of my very best friends around here and I am so sad that she is moving.

So sad.

I haven't really fully processed it yet, that she REALLY is leaving. I only found out less than a month ago. I am waiting for my "breakdown moment" which I assume is inevitable, but I don't know when it will hit. In the meantime, I just keep acting like its all OK.

I asked her if I could come and hang out with her for the day and help her with a project of some sort. Packing stuff up or whatever she needed help with.

We ended up working on pricing a bunch of stuff that she had sorted out for her garage sale.  We were able to bring the stuff into the kitchen and work on pricing items by spreading it out on their big kitchen island.  We could talk while we worked, at least sort of, which is always the main reason I like to be with my friends...to talk with them!

Roxanne is the one in the pink on this picture.^^

Our children played really well together...my Nikki and her son Cameron, who is 5.  They mostly stayed out of our way, but at one point while we were lugging a heavy tote out to the garage, Nikki said "I'll help you Mommy" when she heard me comment on how heavy it was.  Pretty soon Cameron was there "helping" his Mom too.

There we were, the 4 of us, lugging this huge blue tote out to the garage. Nikki on my end, "helping" to lift it and saying "Wow! I'm a really hard worker." and Cameron on Roxanne's end, "helping" her to lift this heavy thing.

My friend Roxanne...front and center and looking pretty in this picture.

As we navigated our way through the entryway and out into the garage, I glanced up at Roxanne and our eyes met and we both just smiled.  We connected about the Moment we were in.

Isn't that so much what Motherhood is about?  Letting your children be involved when it would be easier to do it yourself.  Sacrificing what would be simplest for the sheer pleasure of seeing them getting fulfillment from being part of something bigger than them.

Allowing the moments to be about your kids instead of about you.  Praising them for their intent when their actual "help" wasn't worth much.

Maybe that story doesn't mean much to you, but it did to me.

And lastly, we had a birthday party for my sister Lynette tonight.  She turned 30 yesterday, so her husband planned a surprise party and we pulled it off wonderfully. She was So surprised.

Anyway, after we got home from picking the boys up from school, the kids all wanted to make cards for Lynette. She is a very special aunt to our children because, for one thing, they lived with us for a year and a half, and the second reason is because she played (plays) with them A LOT and has this way of making children feel so special and involved in whatever she is doing.

Lynette is the one in the middle on this picture.

But, back to my Moment.  I was downstairs on the computer and the kids were up in Derrick's room working on their cards.

Kendall came downstairs with his folding piece of paper that he had written the word "To" on the front of.

He asked me how to spell "Lynette."

I was busy on the computer, doing my own thing.  As I often tend to feel, I felt a little annoyed at having to stop what I was in the middle of to answer his question.

I starting spelling for him "L"  and then "Y" and then instead of just looking at the computer screen and absent-mindedly spelling for him, I stopped what I was doing and I entered into that moment with him.

I watched him grip that pencil as he was writing his letters with that precise way a kindergartener usually writes.

I watched the way his mouth form in concentration, the way he shaped his lips as he was focused on getting those letters just perfect.  He didn't even know he was doing it.

I watched him painstakingly write each letter for his aunt whom he loves and when he was finished with one, he would glance up at me and say "Ok, what's next?" and I would give him another letter and then look at him while he wrote it.

Stare at him, really.

My son.  My fierce and strong and independent and emotional and kind and affectionate child.

My son who still looks up to me. Who asks me to spell words for him. Who trusts that everything I tell him is the truth.

My son who shapes his mouth strangely in concentration in much the same way that my husband does.

My son who is right here beside me. Right now.  With his impish face and his crazy hair and his squishable cuteness.

And to think I almost missed that moment because I didn't have 1 minute to break away from staring at my computer screen. Because I didn't want to be interrupted in what I was doing. 

Yeah, that was kind of a big one for me.

This is one thing that I am learning.  The Moments come when I break away from the ordinary.  What I respond differently than I normally would when I am running on auto pilot.  Maybe it is in the pausing to consider my response instead of going with my normal that often creates the Moment.

I read somewhere lately that just for one day you should try responding exactly opposite to how you normally would in every situation (where it is appropriate.)  When a co-worker says "Hey, do you want to go for lunch?" and you normally say "No", this time say "Yes" and just see what happens.

Just see what you could learn about yourself and what new avenues you might explore in 1 day by breaking away from doing what would come easily and naturally to you.  Do the opposite.  Discover your world and yourself in the process.

I'm not sure what that would look like for you, but it may be worth considering.

May you seize the Moments in YOUR day! 

Carpe Diem, my friends.

I have to admit, with quite a lot of regret, that yesterday I had NO Moment.

Not one space in time where I stopped long enough to really be present in the moment.

Not one interaction that stood out to me in my mind like a beacon burning brightly in the busy-ness of yesterday.

I got up and exercised.  Before I even finished, the boys were awake.

I got breakfast for all and got ready and  hurried and scurried to get out the door to work.

I was gone to work for a few hours, rush, rush, rush.

I came back home and finished organizing my pantry (a job I had started on Saturday) and emptied my dishwasher and re-potted some cucumbers and tomatoes while the kids played and colored at the kitchen table. I barely stopped by to see what they were doing.

Then it was lunch time and hurry, hurry kids, we need to go pick up your friend.

All pile into the van and we drive to pick up a school friend who is coming to spend the afternoon.

Nikki is put down for her nap and I fly around, baking cookies and bars and the boys play outside in the bright, warm day.

It was gorgeous yesterday. I noticed, but I didn't stop to drink it in.

I didn't even spend 10 minutes outside.  What a shame!

I had a great chat with a friend while I did some bookwork on my home computer. She was multi-tasking too, she told me.

Then it was time for me to take a shower and get ready to go away.

Leftovers were heated up for supper and toast was buttered and the table was set and Jeremy was home.

We started to eat without even remembering to say Grace.  Without stopping to thank the Father.  Because we are busy and we are hurried and now there is food in front of us, so EAT!

I talked with my kids, I answered their questions, I tied shoes and I said "Yes" to having two cookies each, but I didn't stop to look them in the eye.  I didn't really hear their hearts.  I was just happy that they were content to play so well together.

The boys' friend left for home and I hurried out the door to book club.

Alone in my van with my thoughts, but my mind was a whir and I turned up music and drove in a hurry to get to where I needed to be next.

Book club was great.  We had read the book "Heaven is for Real" and got into quite an interesting discussion about God and religion and hell and the Holocaust and faith.  With such a variation in beliefs among the group, it makes for some great debate and interactions.

We ate fruit and cheese and sugared nuts and drank wine.  We got intense and we talked about things that were deeply personal to us.

But while someone was talking, I was often thinking of what I wanted to say next, instead of really, really listening.

I walked into a dark and quiet house at about 10:30 at night and there were candles burning in the kitchen window for me.  Jeremy had thought of me and lit some candles for my return home.

Awww...what a sweet gesture.

I checked in with the computer and blew out the candles and snuggled up in bed.

Another day in the books.

A blur.  A frantic pace.  No time with God.  No Moment.  A good day, but not memorable.  My fault.  I feel sadness and I feel regret and I feel a resolve to make today different.

In case you don't know what is going on with my "noticing" posts...I have decided to intentionally be more aware of the MOMENTS in my days...as I find this is something that I am really lacking in.

Taking time to stop and enjoy and process what is going on around me instead of flying through my days...everything a blur. 

I decided that for a week I would blog about a "moment" or moments that I noticed throughout each day.

Yesterday was good.

We had breakfast together at church and an Easter sermon.

But that wasn't my Moment.

We went to my parents for lunch and spent the afternoon outside in the amazingly warm sunshine.

I talked with my Mom and my sisters and I watched the guys and the kids play ball in my parents yard.

But that wasn't my Moment.

We left my parents earlier than normal so we could come home and have an Easter Egg hunt with the kids.

Jeremy and I had such a great time hiding the eggs for the kids and watching them find them.

Nikki's joy and wonder, especially, were a sight to behold.

But that wasn't my Moment.

My Moment came after the eggs had all been collected and the treasures brought inside to be sorted through and looked at and exclaimed over.

I had given Nikki a few little girlie rings in her Easter eggs. (As seen on her fingers in this ^^ picture.)

She went to her room and got her little princess crown and had her 4 rings on her fingers and she said "Mommy. Would you come and dance with me?"

It was already bedtime and she was in her pj's.  We were trying to wrap things up for the day...tomorrow it is back to the grind.

Normally I would have said "Not now, Nicole.  Its bedtime."

But I stopped, and I thought "Take this moment, Audrey."

And I watched her eyes light up when I said "Sure, Nikki. I'll dance with you."

So she wore her rings and her crown and I grabbed her hands and we danced around the living room together and I held on to one of her hands and twirled her around and she laughed and looked up at me with those sparkling blue eyes.

Then Kendall wanted a turn.  So I grabbed his hands and we danced and we twirled.  He looked up at me with an expression that I can't quite name, but in it was love and admiration and excitement. There in the living room with the dirty, tan carpet and the garage sale furniture and the homemade entertainment center, we danced and we twirled. 

And for that moment, I was happy and I was carefree and I was just enjoying my kids.

And then it was back to the business of drinks and potty and bedtime.

But I am thankful for that little moment when "time stood still" in my busy day.  When I followed that little nudge to veer from the schedule and enjoy the moment.

(Sorry, I am not so much in a "writing mood" right now, but I wanted to get this written anyway. If it feels a little flat, it probably is.  Tomorrow's another day!)

It was one of those days where it felt like we were just going our separate ways.

He’s got his agenda so I make up my own.

One of those days where it feels like we’re not on the same page.  Maybe not even reading out of the same book.

I’ve tried a 1,000 different ways over the years to say the same thing to him.

But today, I’m hurting.  As is often the case in relationships that are long-term, what is happening now isn’t just about today. Its about years of struggle and conversation and hurts.  Its about expectations that things will be different.  Its about wanting to give up if its not going to change.

I feel tears welling up inside, waiting for the right opportunity to spill over.

My heart aches and I cry out to God.  Silently.

The battle rages in my heart. When to surrender and when to fight.  Hope?  What does that look like?

When to be silent and when to speak.

Satan brings lies that I want to believe.

All evidence points towards those lies, but I want my mind to be grounded in truth.

Its hard.  So hard.

He comes in for lunch and I’m in the midst of cleaning out kitchen cupboards.

Keeping my hands busy so my mind doesn’t have as much time to think.  Distracting myself from what is bothering me.

He sits down on the recliner and motions for me to join him.

I sit down.  Quiet.  He knows something is wrong.

I lean my forehead against his cheek. I don’t want to look him in the eye or I’ll start crying.

But I do anyway.  When he kisses me tenderly and says “What do you need from me?”

I sit silent for a long time.  Tears dripping down.  Quietly tracing paths down my cheeks and falling onto worn cotton.

How to condense years of struggle into a single sentence.

I can’t do it.

I say “I don’t know how to answer that.”

Because I know we don’t have time for an all-afternoon discussion.

He’s got things to do.

And then I say “I don’t have anything new to say.”

Because its all been said.  Over and over.  Today, I’m tired of talking.  I’m worn out.  Emotionally spent.

He holds me and he lets me cry.

And then he helps me get lunch for the kids.

He says “I need to do some things outside, but I will be back inside in about an hour and I’ll spend time with you however you want.”

I don’t say much, but I smile inside.  He understood me without words.

He has such a good heart.  

When he comes in, I don’t choose to sit down and talk with him.  Instead, I choose to have him help me with a project.  We move furniture and we fix toilet paper dispensers that have been broken for over a year.

Side by side.  Silent words being exchanged.  He cares.  He notices.  I AM important in the scope of his crazy, busy life.


The moments, they come when you are least expecting them.  If I am learning anything, that is it.

Those moments when you decide to be totally present.  When you will time to stop.

You can’t manufacture them and you can’t dictate when they will appear.

You just need to be in the frame of mind to stop and pause and drink them in when they do present themselves.

He was ready to head back outside.

I was just coming into the bedroom to steal some leftover Easter candy from the stash I had hidden in our closet.

There he was, so I grinned at him conspiratorially and said “Hey, I’m just going to the closet to sneak some Easter candy.  Wanna join me?”

He grins and hurries in there with me.

Before the children see us.

We pull the door shut and we sit semi-crosslegged on the floor of our tiny walk in closet.

Surrounded by way too many clothes and shoes...and I pull out the stash.

Peanut butter M & M’s, that’s what I was after.

But there’s also Reese’s eggs (he takes two) and Jolly Rancher chewies and Skittles.

We sit there...giggling that we are actually pulling this off.  We can hear the kids chattering away out in the living room.  Doing who knows what.

I feel like a kid myself.  Sneaking away for a few minutes alone with my man.  Candy is the bait that reeled us in.

I lean in to kiss him and he kisses me back.

All chocolate and sweetness.

We don’t say the word, but in that kiss there is an “I’m sorry” and a “Thank You” and a “I love you so much.”

We giggle and we talk about nothing and we stuff candy into our mouths.

I will time to stop.  Dead in its tracks.  Let me be here, in this moment, a little longer.

And I feel hope.  I find a touch of healing.  We’ll figure this crazy life out together.

We probably weren’t in that closet for more than 5 minutes, but it was my favorite memory of the whole day.

I told him that, later on that evening.

And even though I didn’t explain why, I think he understood.

**Before I get started on my blog post of the day, I just wanted to say "Congratulations!" to Lydia Jo.  She was the winner (commenter #3) of the weekly random drawing for a book of her choice. Please message me with your pick.     And Cindy, I just wanted to say...keep trying. You WILL win eventually. (And no, entering multiple comments doesn't help.  I just count them as one.  I know, I know. I'm mean like that. Sorry!)

Written yesterday (Friday) late afternoon:

I tried today, I really did.

To slow down, that is.

I remembered to think about it for less than ½ of the day, I suppose.  But old habits die hard.

I wanted to be more of a noticer.

To sloooowww  dooowwwnnnn.

And I did do a couple of things to accomodate that.

This morning when I got up and Kendall was the only one awake, I sat and looked at books with him for probably a half hour.  And I was very consciously present.  Even though probably at least 5 or 10 times I had to tell myself “Yes, Audrey. I KNOW you always start the laundry for the day right away after you get up.  Yes, I know you can see it sitting there in the basket, ready to be taken downstairs.  But it doesn’t matter. This time with your son is way, way more important.  The laundry will wait.”

So I sat and read and hung out with my middle child.  What a wonderful way to start the day! What a wonderful memory to store in my memory bank!

I also played a game with each of the boys this afternoon.  Memory with Kendall and some version of “Old Maid” with Derrick.  Their being home from school today was a rare treat.

But, I also held my niece and fed her cake while getting lunch for my kids.
I cleaned out and organized my microwave stand while I waiting for the pasta to finish cooking.
I got engrossed in my projects and almost forgot the kids were there.
My mind wandered when I tried to pray.  

My sister Debbie was here to clean this morning.  I love my sister...and I especially love when she comes and cleans my house. Which is every 5 weeks.  Whether it needs it or not.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I try to keep up on my own in between.  I sort of do.  I would have her come more often if I could afford it. She does a fabulous job.

About 10 minutes after she had left, I was standing at the stove stirring something and I heard a knock on the door.  It was Debbie.

She said “Did you see my food?  Did I leave it here?”

I guess I looked blank so she said “I think I may have put it in the refrigerator.  It was a burrito type of thing.”

All of a sudden the light dawned and I realized that a small mystery from my morning may have just been solved.

Let’s rewind just a bit.  

While Debbie was here cleaning, I was cleaning out my refrigerator.

It needed it badly. And when I say badly, I mean, the kind of badly where the vegetables are talking to each other and saying “Can you believe these living conditions?  I have to sit next to a rotten tomato down here.”  There is mold growing in various containers and there is A-1 sauce that is from 2009 residing in the door of the fridge.  Yeah, that kind of bad.

I was working fast, as usual. Looking in containers, making quick decisions whether they hit the garbage or go back in the fridge.

That disgusting bean/tomato/corn soup I made for the Daniel fast.  Gone.

That leftover pasta casserole that had mold growing on it.  Gone.

The jar of chocolate fudge that is almost empty.  Gone.

That leftover ham and mashed potato casserole that is still good but I know we’re not going to eat.  Gone.

And then, I see this burrito wrapped in tin foil.  I didn’t remember having any burritos in here, but hey, its very likely that I’ve forgotten something I put in the refrigerator.

I open the foil a little and poke through the tortilla to see what is inside.  And to determine if it still looks edible or not.

I see potato sticking out through the hole I made in the tortilla.  Potato in a tortilla?  When have I made burritos with potato in them?  

Maybe it is a chunk of chicken?  I peer a little closer.

Nope, its definitely potato.  Weird.

All right, well, that does it.  If I can’t even REMEMBER when I made burritos that had potatoes in them, then this item is certainly going in the trash.  Who knows how many months old it is?

That’s why, when Debbie returned looking for her burrito, and the light finally dawned in my brain, if you would have peered in my living room door, you would have seen two sisters digging through the garbage bag where all my leftovers and outdated food had been put, looking for that tin foil wrapped burrito.

I am happy to say we found it. And since it seemed none the worse for the wear, Debbie happily ate it.  

See what can happen when you rush too much?

And then, I have a slow-down-and-notice story from Thursday evening at the grocery store.

Which, in my case, is the super Wal-Mart in our town.

Has anyone else noticed this new annoyance at Wal-Mart?  There are these talking ad screens that are placed strategically around the store.  Some by the health and beauty section, some by the laundry detergent or wherever else they deem practical.  

I mean, who doesn’t want to hear some smooth voiced lady talking about air fresheners when they are going to grab a pack of fabric softener sheets?  And who actually buys something because of these advertisements?  Have they done any marketing studies on this whole thing? Or did some guy just get up one morning and say “Hey, I know what we can do to make Wal-Mart an even worse place to shop!  We could put these annoying, loudly talking ads around the store so customers can hear them as they walk past.”

I had just started my shopping...reminding myself to slow down and notice, when I saw a nice display of fresh tulips in potted plants, complete with pretty yellow polka-dotted wrapping.

Perfect to add to my kitchen table as a little reminder that spring IS actually coming to Wisconsin...even though the weather is doing its best to convince us otherwise.

As I stopped and took a little time to decide which one I wanted...pink or white or yellow...did I want one that wasn’t quite opened yet so it would last longer, or did I want that pretty pink one that had some unsightly brown on its leaves...my sub-conscious was pierced by a woman’s voice...directly behind me.

She was saying, quite loudly and in an annoyingly perky voice...

“Every month, my thoughts get taken over by pantyliners...
That is, until Carefree Active fresh.”

(OK, I thought I was bad about analyzing things, but even though I am all woman, I am able to get through my monthly period without my thoughts being TAKEN OVER by pantyliners.  Is this not a hi-jacking of a very strange nature?)

And on she went with something like “40% thinner core, but with TWICE the absorpency.  They’re so comfortable, you’ll forget you’re wearing one.  So you can think about other, more important things.”

I mean, yeah, I’m grateful that my mind is not hi-jacked by visions of pantyliners, but I am also glad that I don’t forget when I have one on.  And say, decide to jump into the pool for a quick swim.  Or just leave it on for days at a time.

And that’s when she started to repeat herself, but with slightly different words “40% thicker. Check.   More absorbant.  Check.   So comfortable, you’ll forget you’re wearing one.  Be truly Carefree!”

I was all like “Look at me. I’m totally noticing something that I would have normally barely given a thought to.  I’m actually listening to this advertisement.  Why does not my life not suddenly feel more enriched? Cuz I’m IN the dang moment, girlfriend!”

I would have to wonder about the scenario where you are strolling through Wal-Mart with your boyfriend, hand in hand, and you stop to look at the beautiful tulips.  

Then, lo and behold, you get to hear a perky lady talk about the benfits of the Carefree Active Fresh panty liner.  

I bet you’d decide to just skip those tulips and go get yourself a packet of seeds just down a few aisles. Plant those babies yourself.  Yeah, it might take a while till you actually have tulips growing, but you wouldn’t have nightmares about panty liners.

And while you were picking out those seeds, you might hear that advertisement about tooth paste instead.

At least that ad is something you can use.

Awesome toothpaste would HAVE to make for better kissing, right?


The moral to my little tale...Yes, I noticed.  Yes, I listened.

And yes, sometimes its just better to be a tad oblivious.

Wish me Better luck tomorrow.

Crazy...

Everything in my life I do at one speed.  That speed is “fast”.

I do nothing in slow speed.

Was that redundant?

For instance, when I write my blog posts...

My fingers fly over the keyboard.  And since I can type almost 100 words per minute, my hands can almost keep up with my brain’s ability to form complete sentences.

Or partial sentences.

Like that one. ^^

Get it?

Good.

When I am working in the kitchen, I work fast.  I multi task almost constantly.

Take last night, for example.

Derrick was helping me in the kitchen, as it is his turn to be the “kitchen buddy” this week. (That means he sets the table, helps me clean up after supper -- unless I let him off the hook because he is having so much fun playing computer with his brother -- yes, that also happened last night -- and helps with the food preparation.  Did you wonder how the “helps with food preparation” part fits in?  Well, duh...look at the dividing line thingys (--).  Are my “thoughts inside of other thoughts” not as easy to follow as they are in my mind? Bummer for you, I guess!)

Anyway, I’m dumping in flour and basil and salt and pepper and stirring that, meanwhile helping Derrick make some chicken broth from bullion...then I’m back to stirring, giving him instructions, and then as soon as the soup can sit for a little bit on its own, putting away ingredients and getting my carrots cooking, answering questions from Nikki and Kendall...you know the drill.

As a Mom, I am forced to multi-task.  At least it feels that way.

But in the midst of it, I sometimes feel like my world has gone crazy.

I was amazed, the other day, when I sat down to work on bookwork.  It was Monday afternoon.  The Miller Family “unplugged” week had begun, so I couldn’t surf my favorite blogs and websites in between my bookwork.

I was amazed, amazed! I tell you, at how much bookwork I got done in a short time when I focused just on that.

Sometimes I wonder if all my craziness and multi-tasking actually means that I get less done.  That, to me, is a very disturbing thought, but I totally thought I was on to something with all my fast working and multi-tasking.

As yes, I am sure there are certain times that multi-tasking makes sense.

You bake the white cake for the jello cake you are making at the same time that you bake some chicken breasts. You have the rolls rising while you are waiting for the cake to bake, so that you can get the rolls baked before you have to leave to go meet with the school principal in the afternoon.

You can clean while talking on the phone.

But this constant “doing two things at once”, its kind of making me crazy.

The “praying while exercising”...

The “watching TV while folding laundry”....

The “surfing blogs while doing bookwork”....

The “putting dishes away while eating breakfast”...

The “picking up toys while talking with one of the kids”...

The “talking with someone in my office while doing bookwork”...


And this is what I realize...

Since I never really devote my FULL attention to any one thing, my life feels like a blur.  I am never fully present in any one situation. Even in a conversation with my kids or with Jeremy, I am often thinking of something that I wanted to say or something I needed to do.

I even interrupt myself when I am talking.

How crazy is that??

Like, “Hey, honey!  Guess who I saw in town today? I was at the grocery store and I was just getting some burger and there was...”  “Oh, wait a minute. I need to go put that burger in the freezer. I left it laying downstairs by the freezer when I switched my load of laundry.”

That’s what I am talking about.  And no, I am not joking.  This kind of thing really does happen.

I read some people’s blogs and the way they describe situations and the amount of detail they put into their writing...whether about conversations or their emotions or about what someone was wearing or what gum they were chewing...I am amazed.

I wonder if they make up ½ of the details as they write or if they actually remember all.of.that!!

A friend shared with me the other day what she thinks are the two most important things in parenting....Sorry, I can’t remember the first one, although I am sure it is mighty important, but the second thing she said was “Look your children in the eye when you talk with them.”

I have thought about this often since then.  How many times do I buzz around doing something else while talking with my kids, instead of stopping and looking them in the eye?  Especially when you can tell it is something that is really important to them.  I’ve gotten better at this over the years, but I still fall so far short.

I have to wonder how much more I might enjoy my life if I figured out how to slow down a little.  Cut the pace by about a third.  

If I actually was present in THIS moment instead of thinking about the next one.

I wonder if my memory would become clearer instead of feeling cloudy?  I wonder if, the next day, I could remember what I did the evening before?  If conversations and situations would not all feel like a big fuzzy blur in my mind.


Maybe I need to purchase a book about doing one thing at a time.

I could TOTALLY read that while I was folding laundry!

**I have decided that I am going to practice being present and noticing things more. So...in the next week, I am going to detour away from my "random word of the day" and write something every day about what I noticed the day before. (Maybe a story about something I noticed or a list of things that I noticed that I normally wouldn't.) I think it could be a good exercise for me...maybe I'll learn to slow down a bit!

****ONCE AGAIN...we will be drawing a winner for this weeks' Fabulous Friday Give-A-Way.

I will draw a random number from the commenters on my blog today and if you are selected, you will receive the book of your choice from the list below and a little something extra.

Good Luck!

BOOK LIST:

Inspirations for a Mother’s Soul (Mostly verses by category...New Living Translation)
Standing on the Promises - Susan Wales (Taken by a previous winner)
Too Much of a Good Thing - Dan Kindlon
7 Secrets of Successful Families - Jimmy Evans
A Hand to Guide Me - Denzel Washington
The Yada Yada Prayer Group - Neta Jackson
Even God Rested - Kim Thomas
The Heart of a Woman - Maya Angelou
Meditations on Proverbs for Couples - Les and Leslie Parrott
Esther...A Story of Courage - Trudy J. Morgan-Cole (Taken by a previous winner)
The Wedding - Nicholas Sparks
Putting Family First - William Doherty and Barbara Carlson
From Baghdad, With Love - Colonel Jay Kopelman
The Complete Household Organizer from Good Housekeeping (Taken by a previous winner)
Sharing His Secrets - Vickey Banks
Forgiving the Unforgivable - David Stoop
Dinner with a Perfect Stranger - David Gregory
Wake up Laughing - (Upbeat Devotions for the “Unconventional” Woman) - Rachel St. John-Gilbert
Hugs for those in Love - Ron and Lyn Rose
A Nickel’s Worth of Hope - Dr. Andre Vandenberg
Dancing through the Shadows - Theresa Tomlinson
Following Christ - Joseph Stowell
The Calling - Brother Andrew
John’s Story (The Last Eyewitness)  Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
What Happens When Women Pray - Evelyn Christenson
It’s All About Him - Denise Jackson
Story of a Soul - The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux
The Thinking Chair - Audrey Brown
Soul Talk - Larry Crabb
Have a New Husband by Friday - Dr. Kevin Leman (Taken by a previous winner)
The Partner - John Grisham - (Taken by a previous winner)
Message in a Bottle - Nicholas Sparks
The Letter - Richard Paul Evans
Only Love is Real - Brian Weiss
Cream and Bread - Janet Martin and Allen Todnem
Dear John - Nicholas Sparks
Broken on the Back Row - Sandi Patty
Living Faith - Jimmy Carter
The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women - Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Simplifying Your Life - Mac Hammond
Your Child Wonderfully Made - Larry Burkett and Rick Osborne
Applause of Heaven - Max Lucado                                                                                                                My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers daily devotional
Capture his Heart - Lysa Terkeurst
Letters to Karen - Charlie Shedd
Men, Women, and Relationships - John Gray
Official Rules of Card Games
The Memory Keeper’s Daughter - Kim Edwards
Tramp for the Lord - Corrie ten Boom
To Love and Be Loved - Sam Keen

Definition: Easy to understand or comprehend.

Comprehensible...Snow in April.

Incomprehensible...How God can make each and every snowflake differently.

Compreshensible...A father's deep and abiding love for his son

Incomprehensible...How a Father would sacrifice the life of his Son for a bunch of sinners...that He would have to turn His back when His Son needed Him the Most!

Comprehensible...That human beings are full of sin and make big mistakes

Incomprehensible...That God forgives freely when we repent

Comprehensible...The new life I see coming forth and budding in the spring time

Incomprehensible...How God forms a bud on a tree or a grass shoot out of the ground.

Comprehensible...Holding a brand new baby in my arms

Incomprehensible...How God forms a baby in a Mother's womb and that He knows all about us before we are ever born.

Comprehensible...My own suffering and pain

Incomprehensible...The pain that my Jesus endured for me on the cross. I can't even bear to see an Easter play depicting what He went through. But He lived it!

Comprehensible...That God loves me

Incomprehensible...The DEPTH of His love.  That if I was the only one in the world, He would have still sent His son to the cross for me.

Comprehensible...That I am a flawed human being and a sinner.

Incomprehensible...That my sin was so dark and deep and ugly that even if I was the only person in the world whose sin needed forgiving, my sin alone would have caused God's only Son to hang on the cross.

Comprehensible...That God gives me strength for every day.

Incomprehensible...The limitless-ness of His power and the fact that I don't NEED to wallow in sin and ugli-ness because I am a Child of God. I am a princess. I am "more than a conqueror", I am "a new creature."  I have the power!  Praise God!!