This past Sunday morning Pastor Dave spoke on the story of Esther. He talked about how she had to beautify herself for the king. How she spent a year getting all ready to go before the king for him to decide if he wanted her to be his wife.

And then he said something that really got me to thinking:  He talked about the impression that we make on the world around us by how we dress.

What impression do we give when we are dressed sloppily, or if we are dirty or stinky?  Is someone naturally attracted to someone who is unkempt and sloppy?  Does it represent Jesus when/if we do not take care of ourselves or our bodies?

And then he said “We should dress every day as if we are going on a date with God.”

I have never heard anyone say it quite this way and it was kind of an exciting thought to me.

So often, I feel like my desire to look pretty or to dress nicely is a bad thing.  Like, it would be a mark of humility if I was cool with walking around in a burlap feed sack and rubber flip flops all of the time.

But isn’t every day of our lives as a Christian truly a “date with God”?  He is by our side all day long, every day.

How do I best represent myself as a princess of God’s in my dress and the way I carry myself?


If I were going on a date with God...I wouldn’t want to be so flashy and gaudy that it would distract from God who is walking along beside me.

If I were going on a date with God...I wouldn’t want to dress in a way that would cause anyone to think impure thoughts.

If I were going on a date with God...I would want to be beautiful.  I would want to be dressed up.

If I were going on a date with God...I would want to dress in such a way that would draw people towards me, and not turn them away from me (and the God that I am walking beside).

If I were going on a date with God...I would want to look my best.  I would probably wear some make up.  

If I were going on a date with God...I would want to dress in such a way that represents who I really am. Inside. Because God already knows and see and He is the one I am trying to impress. I wouldn’t dress in a way to please people, but as a natural outward expression of what is inside.


God made us women with the desire to be beautiful. To look pretty. To create something nice to look at with our clothing choices.

Of course, this needs to be kept in balance. Of course this is often abused.  But does it need to be something of shame that a woman longs to be beautiful?

It made my heart feel happy to think of dressing every day as if I am going on a date with God.  

Because that is really what my life should be all about!  Reflecting Him and directing glory back to Him.

** PS -- I "think" I am back to blogging.  I'm kind of taking it one step at a time, so we'll see.  The break has been really good for me, and I want to kind of ease back into it and follow my intuition and the leading of the Spirit.   I've missed the interaction and all of you, my wonderful friends!   Cheers to a wonderful weekend!

I'm not really back, not quite ready to start writing again.

Although I will admit that I have four or five posts written and saved in my Google Docs by now.

I have been enjoying my break. And wondering how in the world I used to find the time to write so often?

God has been continueing to work in my heart.

I want to be at a place where I feel at peace to blog again and where I am able to do it out of the proper motives and then let the chips (or comments, in this case) fall where they may.

But, in the meantime...I have encountered a fashion crises.  And who to better help me solve it than all of my wonderful Xanga friends?

OK, maybe that's ^^^ a bit dramatic...but, whatever.

I bought this dress late year...in late summer or early fall.

I have not had a chance to wear it yet, because the weather was not exactly conducive to this type of attire.

But...now it is getting warmer and I am anxious to wear it.

Here is the dilemma...

This dress is TOO short for me to comfortably wear on its own.

You might disagree, but I am not comfortable wearing something that, when I bend over, you can practically see my underwear.

OK??

The top I am fine with, as long as I wear a cami underneath or I could maybe also wear something over top if I have something that would work for that.

If I look a little sleepy, its probably because I was. Were up with friends till past mid-night (VERY late for this "usually sleeping by 10 PM" kind of girl) and this was on Sunday morning before church.

I tried the outfit with jeggings underneath, since I didn't think that black leggings or grey tights would work out very well?

Why Do I Not Stand Up Straight? (That could be the caption for this picture)

Or -- Pull Your Shoulders Back, Girl!

I asked Jeremy repeatedly if he thought this looked OK and he continued to stick by his response, which was "I am NOT the person to ask about that."

Pretty smart man, huh?

So, I turned to my 3 year old for fashion advice.  Yes, that IS the kind of confidence I have in my fashion savvi-ness...I am willing to listen to what my 3 year old has to say.

I said "Nikki, what do you think of this outfit?"

She said "It looks kind of weird!"

So I said "What part of it looks weird?"

And she said "Well, I think that the dress is pretty, and the shoes are pretty, but that other part (the jeggings) just looks kind of weird. I think it would be more prettier if you took those off."

There you have it.

Gotta love how that little chick doesn't mince any words.

So, is she right?

Do the jeggings and white dress look weird?

What else could I do with this dress to make it work for me?

Help, please!!

Why I need to take a break from blogging --

**I have so many issues of my own to work on. Urgent ones. I cannot be spewing out any advice or “how to’s” or “shoulds” when I am feeling so undone myself. I am afraid that in lieu of what is real and what is hard I would write about what is not hard and that is not my life right now.

**I am too focused on keeping score. Who commented and who didn’t? Why didn’t this person write anything? How come this person got more comments than I did? I don’t like what I see in myself in this. Life is not a freakin’ competition. I see myself getting too much of my self worth from how what I write is received and interpreted and commented on. Issues, much?

**I want to spend the time I might have spent blogging on digging deeper into God’s word and spending time in prayer. I am not just saying that. That is what I want to/plan to do. I feel SUCH a need for God right now in my life, in so many areas, and I want to cultivate that need into a total and complete dependence.

**I have been feeling and fighting this prompting from God for a while now...to take a break from blogging. I am finally ready to say “I surrender.”

**I need to quit thinking in terms of “Oh, how could I write about this?” all of the time. Sometimes even in the very moment that I am trying to stop and enjoy, I am writing a blog post in my head. It is driving me nuts. I have long felt that sometimes it is like I am a spectator of my own life. I don’t want that.

**I feel like I owe you all an explanation. You are my friends. You are near and dear to me and if one of you was going away for a while, I would want to know why. I so appreciate you all and I am so very grateful for the friendships God has brought into my life through the world of blogging. Seriously!!

**If anybody had a certain book that they really had their eye on from the book list (I am thinking specifically of “beauty after rain” who mentioned that, but anyone else too) I would love to send it to you. Just message me and let me know what it is and I will get it out to you. I would like to bless you in that way.

**I am fairly certain I will be back. I just don’t know how and when. Writing is in my blood. It is therapeutic for me. I don’t see myself staying away forever, but God will need to let me know when I have His “permission” to blog again.

If you are behind a guy in line at DQ and you think you might see a small tick on the left side of his neck, and you are trying to decide if it is in your place to say something or not, would it make it more or less awkward when you realized that you know the guy?

Am I the only one who gets confused when watching an exercise video on TV or the computer because the people you are following on the screen are turned the opposite way you are?  And then you can’t figure out which leg you are supposed to be putting up or down at what time.  Because is it MY left or THEIR left??  Help!

If you saw what appeared to be a Dad and his approx. 11 year old daughter holding hands when they walked into Wal-Mart, would you find that odd?  What if later you saw them in the health and beauty section and he was massaging her shoulders while she looked at hair products?  

Have you ever had the “Waddle, Waddle” part of “The Duck Song” stuck in your head and kept on singing it to your kids, even though you knew it was quite annoying?  But you just couldn’t stop!

Have you ever wondered why those great everyday Moments I have been blogging about never go something like this “So, there I was.  One kid was screaming cuz her brother hit her and another was asking for lemonade while the third was loudly making excuses for the hitting?”  I know that they say we should slow down and enjoy the Moments, but I stand by the fact that some Moments are better enjoyed when they are rushed through.

Have you ever thought about who might have won the book give-a-way from yesterday?  Well, I’ll tell you right now.  It was fredsyankeegal!  Congrats to you! (Could you please message me your address so I can get the book out to you?) And just so you know how lucky you are Thelma of fruitloops115, you were actually the first winner, but since you had already won, I selected another random number!

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My everyday “Moment”:

Today I was on the phone with tech support at Best Buy, trying to get the internet connection to work on one of our computers.  Fun stuff!

I had told Nikki that she needed to find something to do, because I was going to be on the phone for a while.  At first she was bugging me and then it vaguely crossed my mind that I hadn’t seen or heard from her in a while.

You know how, as a Mom, you know that the fact that they are quiet and alone for so long means that they are getting into something, but you have things to do, so you just decide not to interrupt for the time being and hope that it is nothing too terrible when you do finally find out what they were doing.

Well, eventually I heard her calling me.

She was in her room. I walked in and there was this distinct smell. Kind of menthol-y and maybe fruit of some sort?  Like cherry?

But it was strong. I said “Nikki, what is that smell?”

After a little bit she either pointed or told me what it was.

Turns out, she was “bathing” her Polly Pockets with Cherry Chapstick.

I thought it was so cute and creative and imaginative that I wasn’t even one bit upset.

I sat down on the floor with her and I said “So, did your Polly Pockets like their bath?” and she said “Oh, yes. It made them SO happy!”

As you can see, they now have chapstick in all their cracks and crevices and unmentionable places.

She also got a few different spots like this on the floor, which I later had her try to clean up as best she could with a wet cloth.

A bath with chapstick? Who would have thought?  

Maybe I should try that someday!

I love the challenge of writing about a certain subject for 5 minutes that Gypsy Mama puts forth every week.

She assigns the subject, so I am going to follow along this Friday.

Here are the rules:

Throw caution (editing, revising, and worrying) to the winds and just write. Without wondering if it’s just right or not.

For five minutes flat. The rules are easy.

1. Write your heart out for five minutes and show us what you’ve got.
2. Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to play along.
3. And most importantly, go visit, read, and encourage the fellow five-minuter who linked up right before you.
   {Pretty please turn off word verification for the day to make this easier!}

Easy peasy.

(Except I don't do the linking up part because I am a computer dummy.)

The subject today is --

"Motherhood Should Come with..."

GO

**A BIG, THICK, FAT manual.  They would plop it on your bedside table at the hospital and it would have your child's name on the cover and be specifically for them. 

With an index and lots and lots of pages and advice. And then, whenever you had a problem with said child, you would just refer to the manual.

I realize that there are problems with this scenario, but if you had my personality, you would understand that reading out of a huge manual whenever I had a question about one of my children and just FOLLOWING that would be much easier for me than all of this ambiguity.

**Someone who would warn you ahead of time how hard parenting is.  They would make you take these courses where you had to practice taking care of a baby. They would give you all of the down sides to it.  You would be properly informed and warned.  (There also may be less babies born if this were the case.)  They would tell you how frustrated you might get some days and how many sleepless nights there would be.

(Kendall has taken to combing his hair into a mohawk most days.  Then he uses a little gel to get it to stay that way.  So darn cute!)

**Someone who would sit you down and tell you about all of the joys of mothering. Who would tell you how these kids will work their way DEEP down into your heart and how much you would hurt for them when they hurt. How you would love them with a love you didn't even know you had. 

At least then you would have all of the info and could make a wise decision, instead of just falling into motherhood like so many of us do.  Head first.

**Two sets of hands, two sets of eyes, two mouths and the ability to be two places at once.  Then, when two kids need something at the same time, or you have two ball games to be at, things wouldn't be nearly so difficult.

**A nanny.  For those days when you just CANNOT do it anymore.

**Oh, and also, a booklet that has these coupons in it, one for each month of your Mothering life, where you could just pull it out, wave it on the air, and you'd have the day off.  Just like that!

STOP

There you have it...hurried and unedited and just whatever flowed out of my brain onto the paper.

If you leave a comment today, write about what you think "Mothering should come with..."

All commenters will be entered into my weekly drawing for a book of your choice from the list I have been posting (I will post it tomorrow when I announce the winner for this week) and I will send that out to you, along with a little something extra.

Love to all my peeps & have a FABULOUS FRIDAY!

Its one of those days...

where I am just not "feeling it."

The urge or the words to write.

I considered writing about lots of things --

For instance:

My thoughts on public displays of affection

Friends and how God has blessed me with SO many wonderful ones and the story behind that

How I really had a Moment with God yesterday in regards to this whole "Expectations" issue in my life

About my quiet time yesterday, where things were falling into place in my mind to the point where I could almost hear the clicking, but when I try to put it together into something that would make sense to someone else...yeah, not so much.

Our son who is intentionally mean to his siblings on a somewhat regular basis. And our idea for discipline which involves having to clean the room of the sibling who he hurt.

My concerns for the heart of my oldest, and how he seems to be a little distant and not quite himself, but when I try to talk to him about it, he shrugs it off. Says he is fine.  How do I know if everything is OK?  I don't. I pray for MUCH wisdom.

Jealousy and how I have felt it lately and how ugly it is.

A young girl from our area who committed suicide. Jeremy and I both know the father fairly well. My heart aches for them and I feel burdened. 

Instead, today I will read other's blogs and maybe tomorrow I will be more "in the mood" to write.

In fact, maybe I will recommend a couple of my favorite blogs, in case you don't already know about them.

I have my whole "circuit" that I run through when I get a chance...I love reading what insights others have. Some make me laugh, some inspire me, some I can relate to, but they are all great!

http://thegypsymama.com/

http://thebigmamablog.com/

http://tandsdaybook.blogspot.com/

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

A Happy Thursday to you!  You all enrich my life in so many ways.

Every Friday, “Gypsy Mama” does a challenge where she gives you the subject and you are supposed to write for 5 minutes, without thinking of what others might think or worrying about how it comes out...just start writing and see how far you can get in 5 minutes.  And then don’t go back and edit. Just leave it as is.

Today I was reading her “Five Minute Friday” from last week and reading some blogs of those who turned in submissions for last week.  The subject is:

“If I knew I could, I would...”

I decided to write about that for 5 minutes today.

GO:

I would go back in time to that day 5 years and 75 days ago and I would take the advice of my sister.

I would listen to her, even though she was much younger than me.  She was removed from the situation and her wisdom was strong and she was kind enough to speak the truth to me.

But I plowed forward, propelled by my own selfishness and my need for something that I thought was missing in my life.

Regret is a terrible thing.  Possibly the worst emotion I have had to deal with in my life.

When you are the person who has been wronged, there are emotions too.  Hard, hard emotions to deal with.

But at least you can blame. You can point the finger through your pain.

When you are the person who caused the pain, there is no one else to blame.

You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day and know that you messed up. Big time. Regret will eat you alive and ruin the rest of your life if you let it.

It will steal your joy and take away your influence for good in your world.  It will ruin your relationship with God and make you a person who is full of legalism and lacking in grace.

That is what regret will do to you.

So, yes, if I knew I could, I would...

go back in time.

Ask for another chance.

I would do the right thing this time.

I would follow my head instead of my heart and I would listen when someone gave me wise counsel.

I would think less of myself and more of others and I would not have the monster of regret to deal with.  

Always lurking, always ready to tell me I am no good.

Always there to remind me that I am not a good person.

STOP

(And I wanted to add this, even though my 5 minutes are now up)

Thank God for His power in my life and for His forgiveness, that when I finally accepted it, changed my life forever.

Thank God that He doesn’t see us in the context of our mistakes and our regrets, but He loves us SO much and we need to learn to see ourselves as God sees us.

This song has meant SO much to me lately.

I’m sure you’ve probably heard it, but I challenge you to just sit in front of your computer and close your eyes and listen to the words.  Let them touch a deep part of your heart.

Then open your eyes and watch the music video and allow your self to FEEL.  Really feel.

Ask God to help make the truth of this song become REAL and alive in your life.

We’ve been re-made.  

Regrets, yes.  But do they define us?  No.  We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

We’ve been re-made.

Thank you, Jesus.

What is YOUR "If I knew I could, I would...?"

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My "everyday" Moment --

Last evening I was in the house putting supper dishes into the dishwasher when Nikki rushed in the back door, all out of breath and saying "Mommy, come quickly!  Right now!  Its important."

I was in the middle of a job and I was chatting with Jeremy so I said "Just tell me what it is, Nikki."

"No, you HAVE to come", she said "It something in your flowerbed."

"Nikki, just tell me, OK?"

Again she repeated "No, Mommy!  You HAVE to come.  Its really important!"  (All said with major drama and intensity.)

"Ok", I said. "Let me get these dishes put away and put on a sweater and I'll come out with you."

She led me out the back patio door, down the stairs, and held my hand and ordered me to close my eyes as we walked towards the flower bed.

"Keep your eyes closed, Mommy.  Don't open your eyes."

Finally, we got to the appointed spot and she said "Ok, open!  Look at this Mommy!"

Her VERY important surprise was for me to come and see the daffodil plant that was in full bloom.

I already knew it was blooming. So did she.  But I guess maybe she was surprised by just how many blooms were on it.

So I stopped there and looked.  Intently.  I slowed down the moment with the weight of my whole attention.

I squatted down beside the daffodil plant and we counted...there was 19 blooms on it!

We looked, together, at the delicacy and intricate flowers and the center with the tiny little stems (whatever they are called) coming out of them.

Then we picked 5 of them, keeping the stems nice and long, and brought them inside.

We put them in a vase and now they are on our kitchen table to enjoy.

The wonder of a child. Oh, to have that back.

Can I?  I think I MUST figure out how.

We definitely have a love/hate relationship...food and me.

Right now I am at the start of another diet competition with some friends, trying to lose those pounds that I keep on gaining back.

As I have blogged about before, I have this habit of being "all in" or "all out" when it comes to what I eat.

Either I am super strict and count calories and almost starve myself or I am just eating whatever/whenever because I am SO sick of dieting!

I am not in any way trying to say that this is a healthy relationship to have with food.

In fact, I know it is not, and I have been trying for a couple of years now to figure out how to just consistantly eat healthy and eat smaller portions so I do not have to continue to do the weight yo-yo thing.

My friend Karlee recommended this site called "Setting Captives Free" and they have this program called "The Lord's Table."  (If you want to check it out, go HERE.)

It is not a diet, it is about teaching you, with God's help, to break the addiction to food that so many of us struggle with.

I just started it a few days ago...it is a free, on-line course where you read and answer questions, etc.  They even assign a (volunteer) mentor to you to help you with any struggles and questions you may have and who is committed to praying for you in your struggle.

I am loving it. Just so you know, Karlee. (Thanks a lot for sharing this with me!)

It is really, really making me think and it is challenging me greatly.

The first lesson challenged us to think about WHY we want to lose weight? What are our motives?

If our motives are to look good, to be thin, or even just to feel better because we are eating healthy, we are missing the mark.  Our motives in eating (as in everything we do) must be for the glory of God.

I Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

But the second lesson really has got me thinking.  The premise of this lesson is that we turn to food as a means of looking for some sort of fulfillment and satisfaction that we should be getting from God.  (This is in relation to eating when we are not actually hungry, which I do quite often.)

At first, in my mind, I kind of poo-poohed that idea, because I my past I would often use excuses like "Well, I eat because I am bored" or "I just enjoy food.  I like to reward myself with something to look forward to."

But as I thought about this more, I had to wonder WHY I choose food instead of Jesus in that situation?

Am I looking to food as a solution to a restlessness or a weariness or a boredom that I am feeling instead of going to Jesus to satisfy that need?

Why do I do that?  Because it is easier?  Because it gives me temporary and fleshly satisfaction?

But that is also the problem. The satisfaction is TEMPORARY.  It does not last. Jesus can fill our soul needs and yearning forever and for real.  There is not that emptiness afterwards or the feeling of disappointment in ourselves that we ate that food or ate too much or whatever.

The course also strongly encourages you to eat only when you are hungry, as signaled by your belly growling. So often, we don't want to wait until that point to eat.

I also realized this...a lot of times I don't even pay enough attention to my body to notice when my stomach is growling or when its not. I eat because it is a convenient time for me or because I want something to distract me for a little. 

In my mind, this subject of not noticing what is going on with my body and hunger pangs ties into my hurry.hurry.hurry that I wrote about the other day.

Could it be that I am too busy to even notice my own bodies signals and too fixed on my own agenda to even ask God if I should be eating or too selfish to want to surrender my eating to God?

If food is taking the place of God in my life (at least at certain points in my day), then I need to look at why that is?

Just like any other addiction, when food controls me instead of me controlling the food, I have a problem. And that is where I am at.

I want and need God's help in this area of my life, even though I feel like the Christian community, by and large, glosses over this subject because "Well, we need to eat, don't we?"

Yet I have known for some time that my issues with food were more than just what can be seen at face value. That there was a spiritual battle going on and a lack of surrender in my heart.

God is working on this with me and I am sharing with you the small start of my journey to being set free from the addiction to food that I have been dealing with.

Only by God's power will it happen. I KNOW that...because I have been trying this on my own for many years and I am tired of the battle.

"Do all for the glory of God."  That means not for my own gratification or selfish interests, doesn't it?

Hard stuff. At least for me, it is.

Sometimes I write because I want to and sometimes I write because I NEED to.

This is one of those times I feel the need to write.

To get some thoughts down on paper. To sort through my emotions and whirling thoughts by forming sentences and putting words down in black and white.

Jeremy and I spent a good part of yesterday going around and around about a subject we have struggled with almost our entire marriage.

I don’t feel like a priority to Jeremy and I think he works too much.

He feels like things are fine and is wary that I am just trying to control his every move and he feels like he can never get things right for me...that I am impossible to please.

So things come to a head. Once again.

We talk and we talk and we get frustrated and we reassure each other of our love and we still don’t get it figured out.

Its been 12 years and we still have this issue, what makes us think that this particular discussion is going to help?

And yet the alternatives to talking about it do not seem good.

Bitterness building up.  Withdrawal happening.  Each going our separate ways because figuring out what works for us as a team seems too hard.

I have been so close to that edge of saying “If you don’t care about this as much as I do...I’m going to quit fighting.  Why should I fight for something when I feel like I am fighting a losing battle?  Alone.”

I stand there on the edge of that precipice.  Looking down in the darkness.  I hang my feet over the edge and I think about jumping.  Or maybe just falling and saying “Oops...that was an accident. I never meant to make that choice. Sorry. Too late to turn back now.  And yes, you’re to blame for the choice you didn’t know I was making.”

But I’ve done that before. I’ve decided to stop feeling. To stop fighting. To stop making things so damn difficult for us.

It back fired. Plain and simple.

You cannot deny what you are feeling.  You have to be true to yourself.  When you stuff emotions, they WILL come out one way or another.  Some time.  Some way. Your options are to either genuinely change in your heart of hearts (with God’s help) or to keep on talking about it and struggling through and hope for a breakthrough. A change.  Hope that something will give this time around.

I prayed. In the midst of the discussion.

Not a long prayer. Not a flowery prayer.

More like a “God, help us figure this out” kind of prayer.

Sometime around 8 PM Jeremy went to play X-box with Derrick, who was begging for a little Daddy time.

I literally sat down at my computer and Googled “expectations in relationships.”

Because somewhere in the last hour or so before that I had said to Jeremy “If I could just get rid of my expectations, everything would be OK.  If I wouldn’t expect you to spend time with me at certain times, I would just be pleasantly suprised when you do.  How does one get rid of expectations?  Are my expectations unrealistic?”

I remembered something I had read in Ann Voskamp’s book about expectations.

When I read it, I had stopped in my tracks and I had went back and re-read and sat and thought about it. Maybe God had me pause at that page, a month ago, so that it would be there to come into my mind yesterday.

From the chapter titled “Go Lower”, Ann writes “My Mama, valley wise and grief traveled, she always said “Expectations kill relationships.”  And I’ve known expectations as a disease, silent killer heaping her burdens on the shoulders of a relationship until a soul bursts a pulmonary and dies.”

“That’s what a child doesn’t have: this whole edifice of expectations.  Without expectations, what can topple the surprising wonder of the moment?”

“Is it only when our lives are emptied that we’re surprised by how truly full our lives were?”

“Instead of filling with expectations, the joy-filled expect nothing - and are filled.  This breath! This oak tree! This daisy! This work!  This sky!  These people!  This place!  This day!  Surprise!”

“Again, always, and always again, eucharisteo (grace, joy and thanksgiving) precedes the miracle.”

I sat and thought about this.  What does “euchaisteo” look like in my situation? And do I have enough faith to believe in the miracle?  What am I to be giving thanks and feeling joy about?

Do I thank Him for what I do have in my husband?  For how kind and gentle he is?  That he loves me? That he cares about how I feel?  That he works hard for us?

Does thanksgiving work when all you feel is frustration and sorrow?  Can thanksgiving be forced? Can it be a choice and then the feelings will follow?  Probably so.  I think I have seen that work with my own eyes.

So I Googled...

And I found something.

I read with growing interest and a feeling in my heart like maybe the fault wasn’t all Jeremy’s.  Maybe I could take some responsibility here too.

Because this is what it said:

“Needs must be communicated. Expectations are rarely ever communicated. Needs can be cussed and discussed. You must give careful thought to what needs must be fulfilled for you to know you have a healthy love relationship.”

(Jeremy and I had just been talking about this.  How I like to hint around at what I need instead of coming right out and saying it. How he does not intentionally ignore me or try to make me feel like I am not a priority, but how he needs me to tell him what I need.

I struggle with this because if I hint, I can tell myself that maybe he didn’t really “get” what I was saying. It feels very vulnerable to say “I need time with you” because then if he doesn’t give that time, the hurt is double.  Now, not only do I KNOW that he understood my request, but I have to deal with the fact that he seemed to have chosen to ignore it.  A lot of days, I’m not sure that I am up to that.  So instead, we do the dance.  I hint.  I have expectations. He doesn’t know what those are. He lets me down.  I withdraw. He senses that and he feels like my love for him is based on his performance and he feels like a failure.  The dance goes on...sad and slow.)

And then the article went on to say this...

“The number one problem in relationships is undelivered communication. It's the things we don't communicate because the last time we did, it caused a confrontation, argument, anger, frustration and we want to avoid these feelings so we stuff them. The next thing you know is, your partner didn't take out the garbage and you want a divorce and it's not about the garbage.”

And that’s when I started to wonder if there was someone spying on us and then writing articles about me.

Because I totally do that.  I stuff things. I don’t want to deal with the hard conversations. I try to tell myself it really didn’t bother me.

I think to myself “Last time I tried to talk about that, I made Jeremy feel bad. Or, last time I brought that up, we both just felt frustrated and nothing got solved.”  So I stuff.  And then Jeremy calls me and says “Hey, I’m going to help our pastor for a few minutes, I might be home a little late” and I am right there. On the edge. Angry, upset and frustrated.  Because he’s 10 minutes late?  

I am starting to think my way of dealing with things is not working.

And then it the article said this:

“In my opinion, the number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations.
So, how do you sidestep the disappointment that always comes from unfulfilled expectations? Who wins the "expectations versus needs" dilemma? Needs, of course! You focus on your needs and make a commitment to never have any undelivered communication about them. Talk about what you need with your partner. Express your needs with love.

Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.

We often call things that happen that cause disappointment, problems. To avoid disappointment or problems. . . as best you can, have no expectations, good or bad. When you have expectations there are never any surprises because the outcome is almost always predictable.
Disappointment follows unfulfilled expectations. The predicaments that follow are predictable. If your relationship is not full of surprises, it is most likely very boring and may border on being unhealthy. Having healthy needs is a natural and creative attitude to embrace.

It is important to allow your love partner the freedom to fulfill your needs in their own best way.”
(If you want to read the complete article, go HERE.)

Its like they ripped a page right out of my book.

The light started to dawn and I realized that maybe God is the one who put that “Hey, Google ‘expectations in relationships’” thought into my mind.

I remembered, too, a chapter in the book “The Surrendered Wife” that I had read a few different times over the years. I went back and read that this morning and now I’ve got the same thought coming from 3 different sources.  Like my friend Cindy says, sometimes we need to get the same info from three different places before it strikes us that maybe we are supposed to be picking up on something here!

I can be a little slow like that.

This morning I called Jeremy.

And I apologized.  I apologized for the hurt that I have caused in our marriage by not being straight forward about my needs and by having so many expectations.

I apologized for the hurt that it causes him when I don’t trust his intentions and when he is trying his best to make me a priority and sincerely loves me and I basically don’t even notice what he DOES do because it is not meeting my own preconceived expectations.

I still feel all muddled. I am not sure where we go from here.

You fall into certain patterns in a relationship and it is hard to change them.  

What does correcting this in our marriage look like?

I don’t really know.  

We just need to take it one day at a time. One situation at a time.  

And we both need to trust the other one that we will figure it out. Together.

“Expectations kill relationships.”

Somehow I need to remember that.


**************************************************

My daily Moment:

Nikki and I visited the “baby store” today.  It is this cool store in our little town that sells only baby things. Nikki had been asking to go.  (Well, really, I found out that when she was asking to go to the “baby store” she was actually talking about the pre-school that is kitty-korner from the ACTUAL baby store, but when I told her that you can only go there if your Mom pays for you to go, she was fine with going to the “Coo Baby” store with me.)

We walked around together. We touched things.  We oohed and ahhed over the cuteness and the softness of things.

She got a book and went and sat on a little chair to look at it. I picked up one book and then another and leafed through them.

Mostly board books.  Books you would look at with a baby or a small child.

The one titled “Mommy, do you love me?” caught my eye.

I paged through it.  Faster at first, then more slowly.

I read the words on the pages and looked at the faces of the little babies pictured on each page.

It starts out “Mommy, I’ve been thinking...”

“When I’m hungry, will you feed me?”

another page:

“When I’m afraid, will you comfort me?”

next one...

“When I’m sad, will you make me laugh?”

and another...

“When I’m tired, will you rock me to sleep?”

“When I’m lonely, will you be my friend?”

And it struck me...standing there looking at that book.

We don’t change much, do we?

This book is for babies, but it could be for me.

I’m 32 and I’m still asking the same questions.

Of my husband.  Of God.

Can I trust you?  Will you be there for me?  

Will you meet my needs?  Or will you run when things get difficult?

We ask that question in a 1,000 different ways throughout our lives.  We try to camoflague it in much more sophisticated sounding ways.

But that’s all we really want to know.

When I’m _____________, will you ______________?

Can I count on you?

And its like God just spoke to me there and said “I will, baby.  I will be there. I will comfort you. I will wipe your tears.”

“Other people may let you down.  Your husband may not always know what you want or what you need.  He may mess up even when you do clearly communicate.  But I won’t. You can rest in me. When people let you down, I’m still here.”

“You can ask the questions, my child, but I already know the answers.  I’m not going anywhere.”

That was my Moment today and I’m clinging to it for dear life.

OK, so this is the outfit that I wore to church this morning...

I bought this maxi dress through "Forever 21" and I LOVE it.  It is t-shirt type of material. So comfy and it can be worn with or without the jacket.  (I forgot to take a picture of it without the jacket.)

Here is my problem...

It is VERY long.  Too long, in fact.

I wore like 4" heels with this dress just to keep it from dragging on the floor.

It is not practical to wear outside during the summer at this length because it will collect dirt and dust and what-not.

I think that the ruffle at the bottom is so pretty and gives the dress something special, but I am asking for advice from anybody who is good with this kind of thing.

How do I get the dress shorter so I can wear it without major heels and so I can wear it outside with flip flops or flat sandals in the summer?

Do I hem up the ruffle and just make it a couple of inches shorter, or would it look ok to just cut a band of fabric out of the middle of the skirt (say, around the knee area) and then sew it back together so that there would be another seam near the knees?

Or is there another idea that I am not thinking of?

Help, please.

Love the dress, just need to get about 3" off of the length.