...my kids were at Vacation Bible School at a local church.

This time of year, anyone who wants to watch my kids (for free), teach them about Jesus and then feed them lunch...Oh, I'm TOTALLY in.

Monday while they were there I had to work.

Tuesday I thought I should get some stuff done at home.

But yesterday, Wednesday, I was feeling pretty caught up.

I had the laundry started, I had the bookwork done for the day, I had a plan for supper and my house was not completely trashed.

Vacation Bible School is from 9 AM to 12 Noon.

3 hours of wide open space.

How to fill it?  This is not a problem common to a Mother of small children.

It seems the time is so often filled FOR me.  One urgent thing to the next.  Just do.the.next.thing. 

As Ann Voskamp says "Hurry drains the soul."

And it does. I notice it in myself. A lot.

But 3 hours with "nothing" to do? Nothing I needed to accomplish?

I hardly know how to act.

I came prepared. With my Bible, my "One Thousand Gifts" book and my "Raising your spirited child" book.

By about 9:05 I was seated in a comfortable chair in our cozy little coffee shop in town and turning pages. Sipping my caramel mocha and reading and relaxing.

It was wonderful!  I felt like I could soak so much information in when there wasn't somebody constantly interrupting me.

I felt quieted. And calm.  And patient.

Funny how when I don't have anyone to BE patient with, I feel SO patient?

I think I could be a total saint if it wasn't for all of these people around me...making me grouchy and irritable. (Totally tongue in cheek, in case you don't know me well.)

I felt refreshed. 

And then after about an hour and 15 minutes, I started to feel restless.

What? Its only 10:15?  I still have another two hours before I need to pick up the kids?  Maybe I should have called a friend to come and meet me here.  Oh well, I guess I'll read a little longer.

And then I find myself checking the clock again...15 or 20 minutes later.

I feel this pressure to get going.

For what?  To do what?

I had a few errands to run, but they were going to take less than a 1/2 hour.

Why the restlessness? Why the rush? Why the desire to accomplish?

(These are questions that can apply to the whole of my life.)

I've been thinking about it lately. This busy-ness that we immerse ourselves in. That we are even proud of. How we compare ourselves to others and feel smug in our accomplishments.

What is driving it?  Why do we feel this unease in the midst of what is supposed to be a time of restfulness? 

I have decided that the biggest road block between my desire to show Jesus love to others and Actually showing Jesus love to others is my busy-ness. My agenda. My rushing.

But what to cut out?  What to let go of?  What to relax about? 

How to dig deeper and uncover the reasons behind the rush?  How to be calm and quiet in spirit in the midst of whatever IS going on?

What would God want to speak to me in the silence, if I stop long enough to listen?

I ended up leaving the coffee shop early.  Running my errands. I still had time to spare, so I went to a park and sat and read some more.  And tried to soak up the beauty of the day.

3 hours and I didn't know what to do with it.

I think I can safely say "Audrey...you have a problem."

My worth does NOT come from my DOING.  It comes from my BEING.

God -- help this truth to sink down deep into my heart!

At the risk of coming across as narcissistic...she goes around and dives in anyway.

As I've written before, I am an analyzer.  I cannot help it. God made my brain to work that way.

I also have always been VERY interested in people and physchology. What makes people "tick".  Why they do the things they do?

I remember from little on up being so in awe of my Dad's ability to read people and their non-verbal cues and gestures. I remember "sitting at his feet" and listening as he talked about what he observed in a conversation or things that he noticed about someone without them saying anything.

I picked up on those things.  "They" say that around 90% of communication is non-verbal.  No wonder there is a lot that we read into those cues that we get from people.  Cues that have very little to do with the words that they say.

My brother Joe is probably my biggest cohort when it comes to discussions about physchology and getting into these really in-depth discussions that would probably drive most people crazy. 

The other night, Joe was over.  Somehow, we came around to the discussion of personality and he was telling me about this one girl that he plays volleyball with who reminds him of me.

Of course, that intrigues me very much.  How does she remind him of me?  What does he think about me that makes him see the same things in her?  Does he like her? 

He said that is it because she is very open.  Kind of intense.  Always looking to connect.  Giving off vibes of wanting to get to know him better.

He says I'm like that.  I am, of course, totally fascinated.  I mean, who doesn't like a discussion that centers around phsychology and themselves?   Um...ME! (Hand raised and waving furiously)

I said "You know, I have often had people comment on my blog about how open and honest I am."  "But", I went on to say "Here's the thing.  It is really no compliment.  It comes so naturally to me."

And then I gestured, with my hands, something that I tried to put on a piece of paper for you all, so you can (maybe/possibly) follow my line of thinking here.

This little outline (from end to end) represents the whole of a human beings emotions, thoughts and feelings.  At the right end of the paper I wrote the words "Shallow thoughts and feelings."  This is stuff you would share with just about anyone.  Maybe this is stuff about your activities, about your kids, about the weather, etc.  On the other end of the spectrum is your deepest and most secret thoughts and feelings. The stuff you share with only a few people. The stuff you are insecure about.   And I told Joe "The reason that I seem so open is just that my 'level' at which I feel comfortable sharing is a lot closer to the deep end (pun intended) than a lot of people's would be."  Therefore, I come across as really open and honest, and while I am, it is NO harder for me to share at that level than it is for someone else to share at a level that is closer to the shallow end.

So while it may seem like a thing of bravery to others...to me, it is just normal.  I crave deep connection with people. I am an extrovert to the max.  I am always looking to go deeper. Learn more.  Share more.  I just maybe dive in quicker than a lot of people do. But over the years, I have found that if I am comfortable with and willing to do that, then often, so are other people.  When there are not so many subjects that are "off limits", you find that the ability to go deeper and connect with someone comes a lot quicker. And that is what I thrive on!

(Closer up picture of my crude illustration)  (Yes, I know I have sloppy writing. And yeah, I'm OK with it.)

Joe's response to this was "Well, then you must not have a lot of insecurites...if you are willing to share so openly."

Not so fast, my little brother.  I'm not sure that is true.

Because I know I have insecurities. Quite a few of them, really.  I just tend to gloss them over in my mind and assume that other people like me until something happens or something is said that upsets the apple cart and then my insecurites come tumbling out.

As we talked, something occured to me that I have never thought of before, and I have been pondering it and the rest of our conversation ever since. I said I like to analyze, right?

I realized that just because I am more open and share deeper things more easily than some people, does not mean that I am more secure or that I am not afraid of rejection.

It is just my way of fast-tracking the process.

I fear rejection just as much as the next person.

But if I go deeper right from the start and let someone in on more of who I really am right from the beginning, I will (hopefully) know early on whether they like me or not.

The rejection is fairly instant.  I get a vibe almost right away as to whether someone can handle my intensity, whether we will "hit it off" and whether they like me or not.  And if I sense that they aren't quite jiving with me, then I will just back off, of my own accord, and move on to another friendship.

This does not seem scary to me.  I am able to divert my friendship attentions elsewhere very early on, before I become attached to someone and they have a chance to hurt me.  If there is not much of a relationship developed, then cutting ties doesn't hurt.  I am wading into the rushing streams of possible rejection very quickly and instead of being left there cold and shivering hours later...I get right back out when the waters don't seem right for me. Back to dry land and safety.

To wade in slowly and stand there and work on connection at a slower pace...now that scares me.  What if I would let someone in, little by little, and once they did get farther downstream with me, they freaked out? What if, once they got to know me better, they didn't like what they saw?  After I've spent so much time and effort on the relationship.  Now to me, that would really hurt.

I've been mulling this over. It is not a question of right or wrong, just a difference in the way we may go about doing relationships.

I don't really know what the point of this whole post is...mostly just writing about something that has been on my mind and maybe clearing up a few questions about how I am able to be so (seemingly) open and honest on my public blog.

If you followed me through all of that...kudos to you...you are a women (or man) after my own heart!

Ever since we got our camper, I love! Love! LOVE! to go camping.  The tent...not so much for me. Too much work. Too uncomfortable at night. But now that we have our camper, I think I could go every other weekend and not get tired of it.

This weekend we had arranged to go camping with some friends.  I love camping with just our family, but going with other people just kind of kicks it up a notch, especially for a major extrovert like me.

The first evening, our friends Mike and Morgan arrived and the guys took off to a race, so us girls stayed with the kids. 

Supper time at the picnic table.

After sitting around talked for quite a while, we decided to tackle the chore of setting up the tent. We had said we would do it, since the guys didn't really have time before they left for the race.

Turns out...neither of us had much of a clue what we were doing.

We tried to pound these very cheap and very bend-y stakes into the ground with the only tool we could think of to use...a big axe/sledge hammer sort of device.

We laughed and laughed. And almost cried.  Because it was NOT turning out well.

Things weren't reaching to where they were supposed to.  We couldn't get the tent fastened down properly.

We tried. We really did.

Finally we said "To heck with it -- Good enough -- and hopefully a strong wind doesn't blow through during the night" and we went and sat by the campfire.

Check out this picture.  To the untrained eye, it might seem the tent is standing up quite well. To the trained eye...well, lets just say you might notice a few minor flaws. Such as, the front left hand corner of the picture...where the poles didn't fit into the ring at the corner of the tent, so we just dug a little hole in the ground and stuck it in there.  We laughed and laughed. And so did the guys when they saw it later on!  Quite the outdoors women we are.  Ha, ha!

We eventually put our kids to bed and Morgan and I stayed up talking...and talking...and talking. It was one of my very favorite-est memories of the weekend.  Morgan, if you are reading this...You're a gem and a true friend! 

In the morning, they did the "small animal parade" around the campground. Despite Morgan's dislike of farm animals, we took our kids to join in the fun.

There we llamas, ponies, a colt and a sheep.

(Guess Kendall got his butt wet somewhere?)

As they say "A good time was had by all."  At least the children!

Then we went and picked some strawberries at the patch across the road.  The kids ate at least a 1/3 of the bucketful while walking back to our campsite. (Which took approximately 4 minutes)

Here are some of the boys...just chowing down on strawberries.

Derrick on his bike.

Our friends Wade and Karlee arrived Saturday morning and we were happy to have them there!

I absolutely LOVE this picture of Karlee. It showcases her personality perfectly.  She is SO much fun and yet can be serious too.  Love ya, girl.  (and no, she does not always wear a cowboy hat. We had plans to attend the rodeo parade that was going on in the next town over, but those plans didn't even up materializing)

Jeremy, Wade, and Karlee

Aww...aren't they the cutest?  (Mike and Morgan)

And whose that girl in the background with her mouth full?

My husband is such a corker.

As is this dude. Meet Wade Bishop.  There's no one in the world like him. And I mean that in the nicest way possible! 

Mike, Morgan and Karlee

There was SO much laughter. And fun. And teasing.  But also SO much seriousness and talking about God and struggles and just life.  I love that...friends that you can go from funny to serious with. Just like that.

And friends who draw you closer to God.  That when you come away from being with them, you are inspired to be more like Jesus and are drawn closer to God.  What a treasure!  Seriously. 

All the girlies of the three families. Playing "restaurant" or some such game in our camper.

Jeremy made this UH-MAZING! chicken for supper on Saturday night.  Some people may or may not have eaten at least 8 pieces of chicken.

Eating supper.

Sitting around the campfire after the kids were in bed.   Those times are the BEST!

Jeremy is so accomodating when it comes to posing for pictures.  (NOT)

I was not ready for the weekend to come to a close.  But all good things must come to an end.  So until next time...here are some pictures to help me remember.  And now...I must catch up on my sleep. Staying up until 2 AM two nights in a row is enough to make me lose my way and end up wandering around in a dark house at night. (That joke is for you, Lisa!)

I hope you all had a great weekend and are refreshed to begin another week.

PS -- I absolutely LOVED all of the comments on my last post about "wild kids."  Just FYI -- I am not easily offended and as long as you are not downright mean, I love to hear other's thoughts (even if they are opposing) on a subject that I blog about.

And for the record...our kids are not little hellions...not at home nor at friend's houses.  But they do break a lot of stuff.  At least at our house.  They are respectful, but that IS something that is a priority to me to train them in.  Anyway, enough.  Later...

So, really, I should be working on getting more packing done and getting more food prepared for our camping trip this weekend.

But, it is only 10 AM and we don't leave until 4...and right now the kids are watching Tom and Jerry on TV...so this Mom is hiding out in the basement, taking a little break and doing a little creative writing!

Jeremy and I have been having a few discussions lately.

Along the lines of him saying "Honey, I think you are not teaching our kids to be careful enough with their things."

And me saying, after a bit of defensiveness and being all like "Well, if that's important to YOU, why don't YOU teach them that?"

admitting that "Yeah, you are probably right."

You see, things don't matter to me that much.  I purposely buy things cheaply so that if they break, I am not upset.

This totally flies in the face of my husband's philosophy.  He goes for THE BEST and then has it for years, probably initially spending two to three times more than I do.

I go for the cheapest or middle of the road at best, and then if it gets lost/broken/ruined (which seems to happen a LOT when you have kids)...hey, no big deal...I'll just go buy another one.

This way, I am not stressed out about stuff.  Its just stuff, right?  But if I had spent a lot of money for it, then I would be more upset when (notice, I did not say IF) something happened to it.

We have bought almost ALL of our furniture at garage sales, most of our toys come from garage sales, quite a few items in my kitchen come from garage sales (are you seeing a pattern here?) and believe me, you don't usually pay much for something you buy at a garage sale. (Shameless plug for garage sales here)

Therefore, if the kids want to jump on the couch, I don't really care.  If they want to set our coffee table up on the loveseat, spray furniture polish on it and slide down into a pile of blankets and pillows, go for it.  If they want to jump on their beds, hey, have fun, kids!  If they want to climb up on the kitchen table and jump off of it, knock yourself out. (Hopefully not literally)

This same attitude carries over into their toys. Its not that I don't WANT them to take good care of their stuff, it is just not high enough on my priority list to teach them about that kind of thing.

So while I don't rush out to buy them something new when they leave a toy out in the rain or ruin it by pushing it down the stairs the day that they got it (as happened with one of the boys birthday gifts a year or two ago)...I also don't really use at as a "teaching moment."

Consequently, our children are a bit careless with their things and have somewhat adopted my cavalier attitude when something is broken or becomes damaged. 

But here is where my husband has a little MORE and additional input. (and you thought he was a quiet guy, didn't you?)   He says that we must teach them at home to be respectful of things because we can't have them going to other people's places and jumping on their furniture and being careless with THEIR toys.  Our friends may not have the same {low-ish} standards for taking care of things as we do. (Notice, the clever use of the word "we" at the end of this sentence. I am TOTALLY dragging him into this!)

I, on the other hand, have more of a "love me, love my kids" attitude about this.  Chances are...your kid is going to break something at my house and I am not going to get upset...give me the same grace.

Not that I would ignore said couch jumping at a friends house, but nor would I freak out about it.  I would just tell my kids to stop. And if I saw them abusing a friend's toy, I would take it away or tell them to quit using it like that. And...If I saw them climbing on someone else's vehicle, I would say "Honey, that's YOUR son" and keep on chatting!

As my one friend said "Well, we just tell our kids...the rules we have at home...you need to have those same rules when we go to other people's houses."

I started laughing and said "Well, you see, that just may be the root of the problem here."  If we are not strict about these things at home, then it would actually be a DIFFERENT and  HIGHER standard when we go away.

Here's part of the deal: I am a stressed out enough Mom already, at times, so I figure if there is one area that I am LESS strict or careful then another Mom...then, for me, that's progress.  Oh, yeah, I can twist anything around in my favor. Don't even think of getting into an argument with me!

I am not so sure that my husband, and maybe other's who have just been too polite to ever say anything to me, would agree.

So, I'm curious.  How strict are you with things like kids jumping on furniture and such?  What really, really bugs you that other children do when they visit in your home?  How do you teach your children to be careful with and take care of their stuff?

Signed:  Hapless in Hayward 

(You know, the way they used to always sign off on the Ann Lander's column when they submitted questions?)

I was sitting in my blue "mushroom" chair this morning...in my little reading nook...reading my Bible and praying and thinking about the importance of thankfulness.

The Bible tells us over and over to be thankful.  In EVERYTHING give thanks, Paul writes.

Perspective is SO important in our lives!

Have you ever been around someone, who, no matter who happens, they manage to put a negative twist on it?

Do you know how draining that can be?!

But, have you ever been around someone who is just so thankful for the things that happen in their lives? Someone who can see the good behind what goes on? 

Yes, that can be a tad annoying if it is too "Polly-anna-ish" but it is also uplifting and encouraging.

I want to be more like that.

So here is my thankful list for today:

The grace and forgiveness of God  (If you want to consider the goodness of God and the many blessings of living in Him, read Psalm 103!)

Our health (for some reason, I was struck extra much by this when I was thinking about things that I am thankful for this morning.  It sort of seemed like I had a bad dream just before I woke up about me being old or sick or something. Maybe that's why it was on my mind.)  I just realized, again, how WONDERFUL it is to get up every morning and feel good. To have health. For myself, my husband, and my children. Illness and disease can totally change your life and arrange everything that you thought was normal and I am so grateful that at this stage of our lives, we are all healthy.

Absolutely gorgeous summer weather.  For days now, we have had mostly sunny skies and temperatures in the low to mid eighties.  I wish it could last forever.

Little brown kiddos with cute white butt cheeks that I just want to squeeze. The contrast between the color on the boys' back and then the line where their shorts usually are is just so fascinating.  Yes, you can call me mentally disturbed now.

A husband who has been with me and all of my issues for over 12 years now.  I told him the other night that I am SO happy to be able to say that I am more in love with him now than when we got married.  When you've been through a lot together and you've figured it out together, with God's help, there is a depth of love that comes about that, while maybe not as exciting as young love, is much deeper and stronger and more real.

Friends.  So many of them that I cannot keep up with everyone the way that I want to.  My friends are such a blessing and a treasure to me!

Mint tea.  Oh.my.word. We had such awesome mint tea at Bible study last night. I should have taken it outside and sat by myself so I could fully enjoy it!

White capris and bright summer colors.

My little garden which produced quite a decent crop of strawberries and provided lettuce for our "haystack" supper last evening.

Books.  I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" for the 3rd time! (Ann, if you are reading this - ha, ha - be proud! I think I can say that only 1 other book has ever gotten the credit of being read thrice by me) I am also starting a book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" that my friend Rach recommended. Hopefully God can use it to plant some new ideas into my mind for dealing with children issues. (aka - Audrey issues)

Kids who say the darndest things.  I have been working on try to get the kids to memorize 1 verse a day (whenever I am home) and I practice it with them throughout the day, etc.  I had went over Kendall's verse with him yesterday morning and then we were down in the garden together, picking spinich and lettuce and I started with another review "Rejoice with them that rejoice, and weep with them that weep."  That was the verse. He doesn't even look up from the lettuce he is helping me pick and he goes "Really?" in this voice that was just like "Here? Now? You're actually trying to get me to review my verse while I am working in the garden? Yeah, good try, Mom." 

And, another Kendall-ism from yesterday:  We were at the beach and we had brought a picnic lunch.  Kendall had 1/2 a pb&j sandwich, and then I told Nikki she could have the other 1/2.  Apparently, he had wanted to have that EXACT other 1/2 and the idea of just getting a half of a different sandwich wasn't OK with him. Nikki was standing on the beach, munching away, my back was turned, but as I later came to find out, as he walked past her, he pushed her.

When I made him come and sit by me on time out his excuse was "Well, I didn't make her fall over."  Yeah, too bad she's such a sturdy little thing, huh?

A Dad who takes his grandsons for a day trip every year.  I think that is such a great treat for them.  Now, if I could just get my Mom to take the girls.

Camping.  Love, love, love it!  With friends, even better.  Bring on the weekend!

The fact that I don't have a little baby anymore.  I am thrilled. For various and sundry reasons. 

Children who are actually getting old enough to be some help and not all work. 

Words of affirmation from friends.

The fact that God is teaching me to be OK with the PROCESS of growing in Him.  This is a new one for me.

A husband who does the weed eating. Because he knows that it matters to me.

A God who is good.  All.the.time.

In case anyone cares, this is some of what we have been up to.

After our time at home together, Jeremy and I traveled to Ohio to pick up our kids and see his family. But on the way there, we met up with a friend of mine and her husband.  She is an old Marantha Bible School friend and we have reconnected via Facebook in the last year or so. (True story) I have LOVED getting to hang out with her again and thankfully our husbands have hit it off quite well.  You're a beautiful person, Rachel, inside and out and I loved that we got to spend some time with you!

Proof that our husbands "hit it off"

Dave and Rach and their boys.  Yes, Landon, we see you!

And then pictures of our time in Ohio:

Molly (Jeremy's sister) and her boyfriend. Guess they were all caught up on things to talk about!

A little brotherly/sisterly love.  Riding down the land together together in the red wagon.  And then big brother pulling little sister back up. This sort of kindness is RARE indeed. Maybe Gramma had a good effect on them!

Jeremy's sister Jolene...washing her car.

Jeremy's parents house. It is so pretty.

Jeremy's sisters Jolene and Molly.

We went out to eat at Dutch Valley one morning.

At the restaurant.

Kids playing at the little playground area at Dutch Valley.

We went to visit some of Jer's sisters at their work places. This is Missy at the hotel she works at.

Only in Ohio, right?

I also got together with this 2 wonderful (old -- not in age, but as in, I have known them for a looong time) friends! Stephanie (Overholt) Miller and Jenny (Miller) Kauffman.  And then there is Audrey (Kilmer) Miller. Just realized. We are all either a Miller now or were a Miller growing up. Now I know why there is such a bond between us! Other than the fact that we also each have a girl that is turning 4 this summer.

Playing at the park. The girls did really well together. There were 5 of them.

Steph, Jenny, and I -- Oh, and Elle.  I asked her to pose standing behind her Mom, but I think she was too smart for that little trick.   You guys, I had SUCH a wonderful time hanging out and chatting. It went by way, way too fast.  I feel lucky to know both of you!

Then we tried to take a picture of the three year old girls.  Nikki and Lauren are twins, and Elle is about a month older. This is the best we got.

Elle is kind of doing the slump and Nikki sees something off to the right that is much more interesting. And a bit troubling, perhaps.

Wherein Lauren smiles cheesily, Elle looks down and Nikki smiles without looking in the camera.

And now Laila gets a turn at being in the pictures, but otherwise, things are going sharply downhill, I would say.

And in case you are wondering what they looked like when they were together last time, here you go:

They were about 5 months old, and getting a good picture of them wasn't any easier then!

Later we went back to Steph's house and Lauren and Nikki exchanged birthday gifts. Never mind that even though I had mine all nicely wrapped and had a cute card, I had gotten the wrong thing.  Next time, listen a little better when Steph tells you what to buy, Audrey!  I will, I will!

Jeremy's sisters Missy and Molly. And Nikki babe.

The Miller Grandparents with the three munchkins. (With smoke from the fire in the air)

OK, now I need to get some bookwork done and then later we are going to friends for a cookout! Yay for 4th of July and gorgeous weather and wonderful friends!

And just for fun:  How is this for a cute little July 4th kiddo?  This was three years ago. Nikki was not quite 1 year old. Wow, time flies!

We’re back in town.  The kids are back with us.

All is well. I am settling back in to the routine of “normal” life, whatever that is.

But I am not really planning on writing about our trip or about those last days at home without the kids (before we left), although I may write about one or both of those things at some point…

I have something else weighing on my mind today and I wanted to write about it before all clarity of thought has fled.

This mothering thing…we’re all in it together, right? 

We are in the thick of it.  We are in the midst of both the joy and the struggle.

These are some comments I have heard in the past week:

“I don’t think it is ever possible to be a Mom without having guilt that goes along with it.”

“I look at people’s kids when we are with other families, and I just wonder why I have to struggle with a strong willed child when they make it look so easy?”

“Maybe sometimes God gives us ‘difficult’ children for OUR sake and our learning and growing more than anything.”

This Mommy-guilt.

That list of things in our head that we just know we aren’t getting right.  The way we look at others and their parenting and feel judged, whether they verbalize it or not.

The back-biting and gossiping that goes on between Moms about other Moms.

I am becoming increasingly disturbed by this type of thing and I just wonder how it would be different if we looked at it like this instead:

We are all in this battle together.  For some, it is easier than others. Some have been blessed with more of a “nurturing” personality, some have kids that have easier personalities.  But we’re all in it together. We struggle. We cry. We wonder. We feel guilt.  We feel inadequate.

What if, instead of looking at another Mom and judging her or feeling superior, we saw our differences as an opportunity to be an encouragement and a walk-along-beside-you kind of friend?

What if we saw her area of weakness as a place that we can be an example, if we think we are doing it better? 

What if, instead of talking about her or running her down or thinking we’ve certainly got it together better than she does in THAT area, we would listen to her without condemnation and judging?  What if we would show love and caring and offer to help in whatever way we can? What if we gave her permission to be herself, with all of her strengths and weaknesses, and she gave us that same permission back? This thing called Mothering is NOT a competition. In any way, shape, or form.

Any time that we as a Mom contribute to this false idea that there are Mom’s who “have it all together” by being unwilling to admit our own weaknesses or confess our shortcomings, we are just becoming part of the larger problem among Mothers. 

Any time that we put someone else down, all we are doing is using their already bowed and burdened down back as a platform to stand on to toot our own horn and make ourselves feel better about what we are doing.

Those things that we feel guilty about and that we think we are doing wrong…

I bet it wouldn’t take you long to make a list in your head.

It took me approximately 20 seconds to come up with this list:

My kids don’t eat healthy enough

I don’t spend enough time with my kids, I am often busy or working

I don’t homeschool and don’t want to homeschool  (double strike)

I struggle to bond with my children in the same way that other Mom’s seem to

I don’t play with my kids enough

Right there on the tip of my tongue.  Those insecurities. The things that I feel inadequate and guilty about as a Mom.  Should I work on these things? Of course.  But should I feel beaten down and  guilty about them?  Not if I am doing my best.  The devil LOVES to discourage us. To make us feel like we are the only ones who struggle with certain things.  To isolate us with our guilt and our insecurities as our only companions.

And then I was challenged to come up with that same type of list regarding things that I excel in as a Mother. Things that I AM getting right.

I thought and I thought and I thought.

First I came up with one thing.  Then two.  And maybe a half hour later, I thought of another one.

I think I finally came up with five things that I feel like I am doing right as a Mom, and I still struggle to put them down on paper for fear that someone will think I am bragging.  Why is it so easy for us to beat ourselves up over the things we think we are doing “wrong”, but so hard for us to thank God for and acknowledge those things that we are doing right?

My list of things I feel I am doing right in my parenting:

I am making it a priority to teach my children to love God with all their heart.

I am good about letting my kids be independent and go out and explore the world on their own.  I don’t smother them.

I love to read to my children.

I speak to my children often about how much I love them and I try to never call them “bad”  and make sure they know, by word and deed, that no matter what they do or say, I will ALWAYS love them.

I rarely get angry and/or yell at my kids. 

So, this is what I would like you to do.  In the comments, write down at least three things that you feel you are doing well in as a Mother.  No qualifications and no fear.

And then continue to allow God to speak truth into your heart.  Don’t let other’s expectations discourage you.  Try not to feel like “I’m a bad Mom” or “I’ll never get it right.” 

When the desire of our heart is to grow in Him, I truly believe He will grant that desire and over time, He will make you into a more and more Godly person and Mother. But beating yourself up and feeling discouraged really doesn’t do much good for anyone around you, including your children.

Ok, enough of preaching (to myself and to you all)

Oh, one more thing:

I URGE you, take an hour of your time (really, its only about 50 minutes) and listen to THIS SERMON by Greg Boyd. (just click on the MP3 bar on the right hand side of the screen and you can listen to it right on your computer)   If you have ever judged someone else, if you have ever used your feelings of distain for someone else to lift yourself up, or if you have gotten worth in your own life from running other’s down…please take the time to listen to this sermon. If you allow this truth to sink into your heart and allow God to begin to transform you in this area, I can guarantee you that the results that you see in the relationships in your life will be amazing!!

Sunday...Day 4 —

We got up early and left to deliver firewood.  We were about an hour into our trip when the kids called to wish Jeremy a Happy Father’s Day (we had celebrated a week earlier because we knew they would be gone today). I thought it was so sweet of them to call.  When we talk to them on the phone, they enjoy it, but they are busy and having fun and there is lots to see and do, so they usually don’t talk too long.

(From our "Father's Day" on June 12th)

Derrick did tell me that I need to bring some Sunday shirts with me when I come to pick them up, because I didn’t pack any.  Oh, yes, I did!  I describe them to him and tell him to go and look. I think he finally figured that one out and ended up wearing something more proper for church.

They are not saying that they miss us and we’re kind of in the same boat. I think everyone is pretty happy...except for maybe the Grandparents, who might be getting about ready for some peace and quiet of their own!

A firewood run that would normally take 9 or 10 hours with the kids, instead took us about 7 hours.  No unscheduled potty breaks, no stopping to play at a park, no fighting in the back seat and no snacks being asked for.

It is AMAZING to me how much ground Jeremy and I have covered in conversation in these last few days. You maybe don’t think about how seldom it is possible to have an uninterrupted conversation when you are the parents of little kids, but wow!  I think we are soon going to run out of things to talk about if we don’t pace ourselves.

As I told Jeremy later tonight, I am loving this break, I am doing just fine without the kids, I am happy and proud of us that we are raising independent kids who are fine on their own without us, but I am not ready for this kid-raising stage of our lives to be over yet.

The kids bring so much laughter and fun and sense of family and love into our home.  I get frustrated by how busy life is and how non-stop it seems, but is that really because of the kids or is it because of other things that we do and plan and work that we have to do that makes our lives so crazy a lot of the time?

MONDAY -- Day 5

After doing some bookwork and catching up on a few other things, I spent a couple of hours this afternoon cleaning up the kids’ toy room.  I don’t know if anyone else has a toy room like ours, but there are a LOT of toys and hardly any of them ever get played with.

Nikki likes to play with her dolls and stroller and shopping cart...the boys like to play with their Beanie Baby stuffed animals, with guns, and with their little cars.  The rest of the toys just sit there in their totes, or get all strewn over the floor whenever we have company over.

I decided that I am going to cut their toy population in half, throw some away and put a bunch of it in totes in storage and see if they miss anything in particular.  If they don’t...it is going to get put on a garage sale one day.   I assumed that a good time to do this job would be while they are gone.

I get a little sentimental myself about their toys. Maybe that is why some of them have hung around as long as they have.  That little toy phone that Derrick got from Gramma and Grandpa Miller, the one that he played and played with as a baby, can I really get rid of that?  Maybe not.

All of their plastic animals and that cute red and white barn.  Should I let that go?  The boys never play with farm animals, but maybe they’ll get back into that one day.  I doubt it, but I still hang on to the animals and that barn.

Looking at Nikki’s dolls and doll clothes and some little bracelets of hers that I found, it makes me miss her. Seeing the boys cars and trucks, I am thinking it would be fun to have them help me go through the toy room. But then there would be lots of fights about what goes and what stays. Its calmer this way, at least.

I find a purse of Nikki’s, stuffed full of odds and ends. She loves to do that!  Just collect a whole bunch of miscellaneous things and stuff it in a purse and carry it around.  I think it makes her feel grown up.

The house is starting to seem kind of lonely.

I’m still doing good and enjoying myself. Part of what is making the time fly is that I haven’t had much down time since the kids left.  I am getting some things accomplished, but I was hoping to have the better part of at least 1 day to just sit and read and relax.  Maybe its not going to happen?

I decided today, while I was cutting up potatoes and getting chicken ready for the grill, that I just won’t think about it too much…How I am starting to miss the kids.  Because if I think about it and decide that I really am missing them, then its just going to make my time without them seem longer. And I want to enjoy it!

I know they are on my mind more though, because I got the idea to send them each an “E-card” with a little note. It was fun to pick out cards I thought they might like...a “Hello Kitty” one for Nikki, a dog one for Kendall and a singing hamster for Derrick.  

We called them too, tonight. Jeremy and I each talked to each of them. Nikki said “I miss you” but she sounded like she was doing really well and having so much fun!  She informed me that they went to the sale barn today and saw baby calves!!  Derrick sounded like a grown up when I talked to him.  There was a lot of noise and laughter in the background and when it was Kendall’s turn to talk, he hardly wanted to take a break from the rough housing that was going on to be bothered to talk with Mom and Dad.  But once he got started talking, then he went on and on for quite a while. I asked him if Gramma was spoiling him and he said “Yes.”  I told him they are going to be bored when they get back home...Gramma had all kinds of fun stuff planned, they get to stay up late, they have lots of yummy food...home will seem pretty Plain Jane.

Jeremy and I went to bed relatively early tonight.  Jeremy was very tired and I fell asleep within a short amount of time too.  The days of being “kidless” are half over and I am not sure whether to laugh or cry.

We spent Friday evening at the race.  Jeremy and I both got the “awww” look in our eyes and mentioned it to each other when we saw this adorable little girl running around...she looked to be just about Nikki’s age. Yeah, we kind of stared at her.  Ditto when we saw, near the end of the race, a man carrying out a little boy who had fallen asleep during the race. His head was on the man's shoulder and  he was out like a light. Awww...

But how nice it was to just go back to our camper, crawl into bed, just the two of us, and go to sleep.  

The race ended up getting rained out on Saturday, and since we had discerned that this was going to happen ahead of time, we left the area where the race was and headed home by about 10:30 AM.  We ended up just working around home the rest of the day.  Fun stuff, huh?  

Without children to keep me busy, my tasks were completed in record time. (This time I didn't get so sidetracked. I was on a mission.) Unpacking from our little camping trip?  A breeze. With only clothing and food for two people instead of five, the task was more than cut in half.

But also, without children, I find I have no excuse to not be out helping Jeremy with whatever he is doing.  I am realizing that sometimes I use the children as a buffer and maybe even sometimes as an excuse to keep me from having to help with what I would consider to be undesirable outside jobs.  Did I just admit that in writing?  Yup, guess so.

Once, when I was out in the shop with Jeremy, he said “I was just thinking, when I was putting this trailer back together, how Derrick was using a wrench to help me take it apart. I was teaching him the “leftie loosie, righty tighty” thing and I had to smile to myself when I used that wrench and thought of him and I working together.”

Funny...I’ve found myself doing the same thing.  Smiling at some reminder of the kids.  I still had some of their clothes in the laundry when I folded it today.  I put it in their rooms...stopping to straighten this or smooth that.  I miss them.  Their rooms seem so empty.  But their stuff is still there.

I wondered aloud (to Jeremy) whether this is how it is when someone dies, especially unexpectedly. At first, there are reminders of them everywhere.  That book they had left lying around. Their laundry that was waiting to be washed.  Their smell lingering in their room.  When you eat that grilled chicken, you think of them, because they would have loved to have some.  The way you wistfully look at those rocks they collected for you, or that note they wrote to you.  I wonder how it feels when those reminders start to fade? When more time has gone by and now the visual reminders are less frequent?  Does that make you feel even more sad?

Saturday afternoon, I smile to myself when I look at the back patio door that I had cleaned soon after the children left. Its still clean.  Ahhh...there ARE some good things about being without kids.  The house seems immaculate, even though I’m sure its not. But the lack of clutter just warms my heart.

I’ve been noticing this among my friends.  People are feeling burnt out as parents.  I have heard this repeatedly as of late.  I wonder if it is the stage we are in. Most of our friends our age have been married for 10 years, give or take a few.  We’ve got kids that are getting a little older, but a lot of us still have babies, or close to it.

I think any newness of the whole parenting thing has long worn off and we wish for that pre-kid freedom. Life seems to be all about the kids. Their needs.  Their wants. Their issues. What about us? What happened to us in all of this?  What about our dreams?  We maybe didn’t realize that when we made the choice to become parents: that we were putting a 20 year hold on what we wanted, and its catching up to us.  

We long for those days when it was just us two.  When we could go any way the wind blew. When we could carry on a five minute (or longer!!) conversation without interruption.

We know we love our kids. We know we wouldn’t trade them for the world. We know we would be sad without them.  But we just want a break.  And badly.

Jeremy and I work until 7 PM and it still seems early. The evening stretches out before us.  We can do whatever we want.  What will it be?  But the house seems strangely large and quiet and I kind of wish for the chatter and clatter of little mouths and feet.

We discuss the possibilities of things we could do.   I am remembering how it was to have so many options available to us and how that sometimes makes it harder to decide what we REALLY want to do.

We end up playing Pictionary. And laughing quite a bit.  Because we both SUCK at drawing.  Derrick can draw better than both of us, and we are not quite sure where he got that rogue gene.

After a little while, Jeremy had his fill of it, and we decided to watch TV for a little. We were going to watch a movie, but by then it was after 10 PM and we both decided we would rather get sleep than watch a movie.

I told Jeremy that I think that it will be different than this when our kids ARE actually grown, because we will have a routine and way of doing things.  This sudden switch from 3 kids to no kids makes us feel a little bit at loose ends.  Like...now what do we do with this extra time? There is actually time available that needs to be filled. For years, it seems, our lives have pretty much been about doing what is urgent and HAS to be done...not much sitting around thinking of what we could be doing.

(And so ends day #3 of life without kids)

And in case you are not totally bored with this yet...there is more coming later...

To be continued...

Remember a month or so ago when I asked for your advice in regards to a little white dress that I had bought that I wasn't sure how to wear.

Well, you gave advice.  Great advice!

And I took it. At least some of it.   If I would have taken all of it, I would have looked like a bundled up Eskimo.  What with the layered skirts and leggings and jeans and all of that!

I would have NEVER thought of wearing brown with this.  I don't think it even crossed my little fashion-less mind. But I wore this on Monday and I loved it.

And yes, I did have to go out and buy a belt and leggings and a necklace to go with this dress.

Sorry about the "picture in the mirror." Since the kids are gone, my handy dandy little photographers are also gone. And Jeremy was at work.  There's your explanation!

And the necklace...I am loving it.

I got it from Forever 21 and the colors are so pretty.

Also, speaking of clothing. And of buying clothing.

I made the closest thing to a vow that I make.  I choose not to make vows to God about little things because I take them VERY seriously and there is a place in the Bible where it talks about it being better to not make a vow than to make one and break it.

Anyway, God has been speaking to my heart for quite some time about how much time and money I spend on clothing and shoes. Too much just ain't enough. You know?

Well, Sunday night we had Sam and Becca Gunti at church to share a program about their exciting ministry in India.  It was a wonderful service.

But part way through, when they were showing the terrible conditions that people there live in, talking about how they are eating only rice and lentils and that is their one good meal a day, and saying how little money it takes per month to support a child who attends their boarding school ($40) and hearing about the lives that are being changed and touched through their ministries, God spoke to me about my spending.

And particularly about what I spend on clothing.

It was just like he said "Ok, its time." And finally I said "Ok, God." instead of fighting what he was asking of me.

I made a committment right then and there that I will not be buying any shoes, clothing, or accessories for the rest of the year 2011. Not even cheap clothing at garage sales.

I told Jeremy right away, so that I wouldn't back out of it.  And now I am telling you.

If you would see my closet, you would know that I will be just.fine. without any new clothes.

But if you knew how much I like to shop and buy clothing, you would know that this will be a battle for me and that I'm a little worried about how it will go.

I don't know what I will do with the money, because I don't really know how much money it would be, but I figured God will lead me with what to do with that part of it as well.

So, if you see another fashion post from me in 2011, you will know I didn't go and buy anything new for the outfit!