I definitely go through periods of time where I feel more or less of a need to write.  Hence, the inconsistancy of my blogging.

Sometimes I feel like writing about everything, and then other times every subject I think of to write about seems really boring and I feel like what I would have to say would not be that interesting to anyone else.

So the "pen" stays silent.

But, today I am giving it a shot. So here goes...

The other day I was reading a post by Amber at grace2be. (Who, by the way, is one of my favorite  bloggers. If you haven't read her site, you should check it out!)  It was the story about how she had to crawl under the shelves at Wal-Mart to look for her daughter's pacifier.

I thought that the story was hilarious and I could totally picture it happening, so I was leaving her a comment to that effect. 

I was starting to write "You gave me a good laugh for the day" but I realized that it wasn't quite true because I hadn't actually laughed (out loud) about what she had written, even though inside I was finding it to be very funny.

Now, let me give you a little background on my issues with accuracy and honesty.

From the time I was a teenager, I have been super conscientious about telling the truth.  I guess my Dad really taught us that.  Plus, I had lied twice in my early years (younger than 10 years old) and it bothered me and bothered me and bothered me.  (I later confessed those lies to my parents.) 

I remember especially in my teens having a lot of angst about whether I got the details of a story correct or not. I would feel guilty if I said that I arrived somewhere at 10:00 AM when it was actually 9:58 AM. 

If I quoted someone and didn't get it exactly right, I would feel guilty.

And the list of examples could go on and on. 

I struggled with this a lot, internally, during my teen years and finally someone (I have no idea who, or if I read it or what) presented me with the concept that if you are not intending to deceive, then it is not a lie.

For instance, in the "wrong time" scenario, if I was not trying to, say, change the time in my story to escape being late for curfew or something, and it was just a matter of not remembering EXACTLY when I got there, then I could have a clear conscience.

This cleared up a lot of things for me and was extremely helpful with my sensitive conscience in this area.

It was funny, because in some other areas, like obeying church rules about listening to the radio or wearing a "cape dress",  I was not quite so sensitive.

But, even into my adulthood, I have carried this trait of being very careful with the truth.  I always try to present things as accurately as I can, even to the extent of really over-explaining myself at times so as not to mis-represent something.

I also have been quite critical of Jeremy in the past because of the difference between HIS truth and MY truth when relating an incident.  After a while, I realized that maybe his stories were pretty accurate, but my tendency to under-state things made his representation seem like more of an exaggeration than they were.  Plus, the way he told his stories wasn't really MY problem, I realized.

I still struggle sometimes with "Should I go back and correct that fact with someone?" because later it came to my attention that I had been wrong about a detail.

I think through every comment I leave, message I send, text I write, etc. for accuracy of the message I am conveying.  Is this really true??  When I give a compliment, it is sincere, because if I don't actually feel it, I won't say it.  (Even as I write this paragraph, I analyze...Is it true to say that I think through "EVERY" comment I leave and I agonize over whether that is an accurate statement. And then I think, "Audrey, just chill, girl!" and I leave it as is.)

I realized, when I was commenting on Amber's blog the other day, that even though I have made a lot of progress in this area over the years, clearly I still have a ways to go.  Because when I wrote "you gave me a good laugh" in my comment, but then realized that wasn't EXACTLY true because I hadn't laughed out loud about what she had written...and I couldn't think of another good way to word what I wanted to say, I just stopped for a few seconds and made myself laugh out loud because then what I wrote would be true.

Legalistic, much? 

I realized how silly that was. And then I wondered if anyone else could relate?  Or do you just think, like my friend Liz says, that I am "7 kinds of crazy"!

I have long ago accepted this fact about myself.

I am not a very creative person when it comes to making things, decorating, thinking of cool ideas to re-purpose things, etc.

I just don't really have it in me.  What comes naturally to others, I stumble and fumble to figure out.

Last year I did a post about my lack of Christmas decorations in my home. Mostly because I was starting to feel really bitter when I kept seeing posts of everybody's houses in all of their Christmas glory.  I WISHED my house were that pretty, but do I have the creativity to make it happen?  No. 

Enter Pinterest.

My world has become a different place.

As I've said before...if Pinterest can turn ME from "so-not-creative" into "Hey, I could do THAT!" and actually starting to feel somewhat creative (even though, really, that is just a joke, because I am totally copying ideas that I see on Pinterest), I consider it to be somewhat of a miracle.

So this year, there are a few additions to the Christmas decorations within the Miller home. And you can pretty much credit all of them to Pinterest.

(If you aren't aware of Pinterest yet, you must have had your head buried in the sand for the last few months. But if you still wondering about it, go check it out at www.pinterest.com)

Besides the Christmas candle holder wreath thing on my table and the wreath on my door and my Christmas tree, we have now added:

The Nativity Scene (This has nothing to do with Pinterest, I guess. And I had already bought this last year. And...it required no creativity. Although I think that the way that sheep is resting up on that platform may have required a little creativity on the part of one of my kids.)

Totally stole from Pinterest (This is at my living room window)

Also, idea from Pinterest...to wrap up a bunch of Christmas books (I bought a "lot" of them on E-bay and then also rounded up any Christmas books we had around home and wrapped them. - Although I did catch some crap for that one when one of the kids unwrapped a book that they recognized as one we had already owned. Sheesh! I can't get away with anything!!   We are unwrapping and reading a book every day. The kids love it!  But...be warned. Wrapping that many books gets really old. I'm just sayin'.)

The ormaments in a glass bowl thing I probably actually got from someone else's Xanga site at some point in time. Not sure who to give credit to.

The tree and the presents. Yay! This just makes me happy. The warmth and coziness it adds to our living room makes me kind of wish I could just leave it up 'year round.

And...my pride and joy!! The "Advent Calendar."  Thanks to Pinterest, for the first time the Miller Family has an Advent Calendar. I searched lots of pins and websites and finally came up with this. It was a combination of many ideas.

I bought little tins at Michaels for 99 cents each. But I will be re-using them, so I justified it that way!

The numbers for the lids of the tins I printed out from a website I found through Pinterest.

The decorations for the tins I just sort of made up on my own.

See, once you get me started, I CAN actually think of something myself.

And then as far as what to put inside of the tins...I found this website  (if you click on the link, then scroll down a bit and you will see the little tags I am talking about) where they have TONS of activity ideas for the advent calendar. And...you can print them off and just cut them out and stick them in your calendar. 

I used a lot of those. Some tins just have candy in them and a few have verses.

We are bringing the magic back into Christmas at our house, baby!!!  At least a little of it.

Derrick was outside while I was doing some decorating and he came in and was like "Wow, Mom! You are really going all out for Christmas this year!" as he took in the new decorations around the house.

See, here's the thing. If you barely decorate at all for the first 9 years of a kids life, they are much easier to impress when you actually do a few extra things.

Lower expectations. Lower expectations. That's my motto. (Although I may have just shot myself in the foot this year!)

And I know my Christmas decorations are still quite lame compared to most of yours. I get that. But...I am so dang proud of myself for doing what I did. Because, for me, it was a lot. And when I look around my house at the little touches of Christmas that have been added, it makes me happy.  Guess sometimes it doesn't take much.

I have to leave you with this funny story about my advent calendar.

If you know me, then you know that if it is "ON THE CALENDAR" then it must happen.

So, one of our first tins had a paper in it that said "Take a walk and look at the stars."

I thought that sounded like such a very fun thing to do as a family.

Come dark on Sunday night, I rounded up the troops to go on a little walk.

In the frigid cold.

On a night where it was extremely cloudly and there was not ONE.SINGLE.STAR in the sky.

Plus, my boys were watching TV and did not want to be pulled away. But, believe me, it was on.the.calendar, so it was going to happen!!

So, with me all upbeat and cheery, as I would only be if this were MY idea and not someone else's, I got everyone stuffed into their coats and boots out and we headed out with a couple of flashlights to light our way.

We live on a dead-end road, so I figured we would just walk to the end of the road and back. Stars or not, we were going to have a good time!

Except that Jeremy was so not in the mood. He was complaining almost as badly as the children. About 5 minutes into our approximately 10 minute walk, Nikki said her "legs hurt" and she didn't want to walk anymore.

There were comments such as "This is boring. There are no stars to see anyway!" and the such like.

But I plowed along, dragging my family with me, being all Polly-anna-ish in my "Isn't this fun, kids?  We're all outside together!" and "Isn't this fresh air so good for you?"  "Don't you just feel better now that you've been outside for a few minutes??"

But no...they couldn't see my point. They were mostly concerned about getting back inside as fast as they could.  And Jeremy made comments, in a very, very mockingly excited tone of voice, like "Hey, kids. Once we get back, why don't we all go down together and put wood in the woodstove?? And then...we can all help clean snow off my car!! Wouldn't that be fun, kids??"

I get no respect. That's all I can say.

Thankfully, I saw the humor in it all and got a good laugh out of it.

Plus, that clear, crisp night air did clear my brain.

At least enough to know that I was being completely mocked. But really, I was OK with it.

Their turn will be coming.  Just you wait.

Christmas Cheer, everyone!!

I don't know if any of you recall a post I did maybe a year ago about an egg blowing up in my face after I microwaved it without breaking the yolk first. 

If you remember it, kudos to you, because I am pretty sure that if it had not happened to me, I would totally have forgotten about it by now.

I don't know if chickens and I have bad karma or what?

I mean, I grew up on a chicken and hog farm and I spent a lot of time picking up dead chickens in our 400' long chicken house when I was a kid. (Yes, it is just.as.awful.as.it.sounds.)

But, our chickens weren't even the egg laying kind.  So I don't think that should factor in.

Or maybe it is because I participated in some ghastly chicken butcherings as a child.  At least if standing by in horror as I watched heads that had been severed from chickens flopping around as if they were still alive is considered participating. 

I am kind of thinking that maybe I should have done more to try and stop that at the time.  But what is a 7 year old girl to do?  Lay her own head down on the chopping block and scream "Mother!! Stop!! I will not let you cut one more chicken's head off unless you are willing to cut off my head too."

A bit dramatic, not??

Ok. So maybe I am over-thinking this whole thing.   Is that likely? 

Anyway, it seems that eggs, for some reason, kind of have it in for me.

Because this is what happened on Saturday morning.

The kids said they wanted some hard boiled eggs for breakfast.  I put some water in a kettle, put 4 eggs into it, and turned it on high.

Then, I went downstairs to do some things on the computer, knowing that eggs take at least 15 minutes to hard boil, right?

What I didn't count on is that all of my children would go outside for a while and that I would end up spending, um...slightly more than 15 minutes downstairs. You know how those computers turn into the black hole of wasted time, right?

Next thing I know, my son Kendall is coming into my office. Crying.

He wails "Look!! Now, I will have no egg for breakfast.  And I got egg on my sweatshirt."

You have to imagine a whiney, crying childs voice and then read it like that.

I said something like "HOW did you get egg yolk on your sweatshirt??" because I was truly dumbfounded.

His answers did not make any sense until I went upstairs.

I stood in disbelief. My mouth may have even been hanging open.

And then I understood how to egg yolk got on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

Now, if you have never done this particular experiment, I would advise against it.

But just for your information, this is what happens when you let all of the water boil away from the eggs while they are still in the kettle.

They pop and splatter and explode into many, many, many (you get the idea) little fragments that stick all over your floor and counter and walls and stove top.

I spent quite a bit of time on my hands and knees.  And eggs are sticky little bastards when they are blown into a million pieces.

I had to comfort my stricken son with the news that I would, in fact, hard boil some more eggs. 

And this time, I would check on them a leetle bit sooner!!

My advice: Do not try this at home.

Not literally "lost for a day"...not like driving around backroads and trying to figure out where I was. Or lost in a blinding snowstorm or stopping at gas stations to ask for directions. Not that kind of lost.

But "lost" as in "dead to the world" & "lost" as in "away from my regular duties and responsibilities and schedules".

Yes -- I went to Barnes and Noble for the day!

And, lest you remember the other post I did about a day at Barnes and Noble and think that I am constantly galavanting off to visit my favorite bookstore, let me remind you that it has been almost 2 years since I have been there for a day.  I don't think that could be considered too often. At least not to my way of thinking.

As Moms and wives, we are always "on".  On duty.  On call.  We're here for our families. It feels like 24/7. I know we get little breaks here and there (some more than others) but sometimes we feel a little like this saying, right?

Because we do that a lot. Put our needs last. We've got lots of practice.

So I plow through the guilt and decide to take a day to myself.  And what better place for this book lover to spend it than at Barnes and Noble.  They never seem to notice that the same girl has been there for 7 hours straight, which is to my advantage.

Our nearest Barnes and Noble is 1 1/2 hours away, so it is quite a little trek.  Thankfully, I have friends who like to talk to me on the phone, and my conversations with them made the time just fly by. Plus, I got to connect with some friends. So it was a win-win.

I did a little shopping at Michael's and Office Max first, so I didn't arrive at B & N until about 11 o'clock. The first thing I did was to go and get myself a peppermint mocha and a big Reese's cookie.  Yum, yum! I had been looking forward to my peppermint mocha for days.

I sat and read a book that I had brought along that I wanted to finish and once I was done with that, I found a basket and went around and gathered up a basketful of books. Maybe 15 or so.  (If you are ever going to B & N for the day and need some system to follow, you can totally copy mine. It is quite sophisticated! Ha, ha!)

I walk around and find an area where the book topics are of interest to me. I read very little fiction these days, so I like memoirs, Christian books, books about people and relationships, travel books, etc.  I pick books off of the shelf, thumb through them a little, and make a snap decision on whether I would like them or not.  Probably at least 1/2 of the books I pick up don't make it into my basket.  I go by things like the way the author writes, the font and closeness of the lines, whether the book grabs my interest at all when I open it up to a random page and other such high-tech methods of scoping out which books I might like to read.

I got my stack of books, found a chair and settled in.  I brought along my pen and paper so I could write down titles and authors of books that looked interesting to me. (for possible later purchase. I know. I'm sorry Barnes and Noble.)

From the time I got to the store until I look at the clock the first time (because I needed to text Jeremy about something), it had been almost 4 hours. If you would have asked me how long I had been there I probably would have guessed 2 hours or less.  Time flew WAY too fast.

I just would pick up a book out of the basket, start reading, usually at a random spot, and see if the story and the authors way of writing grabbed me.  Does this seem like a book I would read?  Is it interesting to me? Do I connect with the author? 

Most of the books I had in my basket got written down on a paper, but a few didn't make the grade and I put them back without even writing them down.  I tend to be a bit of a book snob, I guess. I LOVE to read, but I have so little time these days that I don't want to waste my time on books that are just so-so. (In my opinion.)

So, just for your information, here is the list of books that I found that I thought looked really great. I will start with the only books I actually purchased that day at Barnes and Noble.

One was a book of IQ and personality and EQ (emotional quotient) and social type of tests, cuz I am always a sucker for that kind of thing.  Always wanting to learn more about myself and my strengths and weaknesses.

The other was called "Breaking Night" by Liz Murray because I was a book that I could hardly put down and I found myself thinking about it even after I had laid it aside for a while.  It is about a girl who had a very dysfunctional family and then she became homeless and then ended up going to Harvard later.  Totally intrigueing to me and I loved her style of writing.

Then...this is the list that I came home and ordered from Amazon.com

What Women Fear by Angie Smith

She is the author of the "audreycaroline.blogspot" blog and I just had the privilege of hearing her speak at Women of Faith in October.  She writes a very candid and powerful book about women and fears.

Rescue by Anita Shreve

A novel that I had picked up that looked really good.

How to be a people magnet by Leil Loundes

Just because the concepts and ideas were intrigueing to me.  Watch out! The next time you see me you won't be able to stay away.  Ha, ha!! 

4,000 questions for getting to know anyone and everyone

I always LOVE these sorts of books.  I am a curious person. What can I say?  What I really wish is that I had a friend who would want to sit with me for hours and we would take turns asking each other questions out of the book.  But I know that my friends have their limitations and that I am a little weird about this kind of thing, so I just rope Jeremy into doing this with me sometimes.

The Christian Athiest by Gray Groeschel

It talks about how we, as American Christians, often say we believe in God but live our lives as if He doesn't exist.  I am interested in this topic and he seems to write it very well.

Dear Bully (70 stories from various authors)

About bullying in our schools. For some reason this subject really interests me.

And this one I ordered from Abebooks because I found it cheap on there:

1001 ways to be romantic by Gregory Godek

This one had lots of great ideas and was written in a much more creative format that a lot of books I have seen and looked at and bought that are along these lines.  I actually got my idea for Jeremy's Christmas present from here.  Don't want to say what it is, but it involves a bunch of letters/cards that I will give him over a period of a couple of weeks.  Plus, I am not a very creative person, so sometimes (Ok, a lot of times) I need help!

And then, the list of books that I looked at, want to buy, but didn't buy yet because they are too expensive, even online. They are on my "Maybe Later" list:

Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wuntzel

Authbiography about her struggle with depression from a young age

Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman

She is the author of the "chatting at the sky" blog.

Take this bread by Sara Miles

Memoir about a lady who got saved and spent her life feeding the hungry

The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney

Because I am married to an introvert and have at least 1 introvert kid, so I am interested in learning more about what I am not. (I am a definite extrovert.)

Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge

Book about Jesus from a new perspective. Looks quite intrigueing.

Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor

Story of a young women whose husband was tragically killed (she was pregnant with their first child) and her account of how she dealt with all of that. Very poignantly written.

I am not recommending these books: as in, saying I agree with all of their content, etc. because I have not yet read them, but I am telling you that these are books that looked really interesting to me and if you have similar interests to mine, these might be good ones to get out on loan at the library or to buy sometime.

Maybe you've already read some of them and have an opinion. I am interested in that too.

Anyway, my day was absolutely wonderful. Although after looking through and reading parts of lots and lots of book and being inundated with the smells and sights of a busy Barnes and Noble store all day long, I did develop a headache.  Thankfully, I had some ibuprofin with me and I took that but the headache didn't leave until a while after I was on my way home.

I wish I could do this trip once a month. I really do. But maybe it would just become commonplace and I wouldn't appreciate it quite so much.

Either way...being in a bookstore for hours is practically my heaven on earth. And I enjoyed it greatly!

Since there was no one awake to photograph that moment last Sunday night, I want to write it down so I remember it in my minds eye.

It was about 10 o’clock at night.  The kids had been tucked into their cozy little beds, but one particular child kept getting out of her bed.  You know, its hard for a 4 year old to fall asleep when they have already had an afternoon nap that was a tad too long and now only 5 hours later, they are trying to fall back asleep for the night.

She’d already been to our room one.too.many.times and under dire threat of punishment, she was not going to be venturing out of her room and tip-toeing into ours YET again.  No more “I need to whisper something in Mommy’s ear”, no more “I just have a question. What are we doing tomorrow?”  The parents had reached the limit of their patience with this little "jack-out-of-the-bed".

All was quiet.  Jeremy was peacefully sleeping beside me.  The boys were both asleep.  But this Mom laid there and laid there and laid there.  Not asleep.  I think it was that cup of coffee (apparently NOT decaf) that I had with my dessert at our church potluck.

I don’t know what you do when you can’t fall asleep, but normally I find that doing anything besides continuing to lie in bed is somewhat counter productive, so I usually try to pray or count sheep or relax my body limb by limb or something similar.  But this particular night an idea popped into my head. At first I dismissed it, because I am a very practical sort of person, not given to a lot of whims.

But the idea persisted, and I thought “Why not?”

So I eased out of bed, quietly tip-toed to her door, opened it a crack and peeked in.  There she was...in all her pink and girly glory, lying on her back, looking at her 2010 photo album, which is filled with pictures of her and our family life and activities.

She smiled when she saw me.  I whispered, “Hey, come with me.”

She looked at my quizzically, because, believe me, THIS had never happened before!  Mom coming and sneaking her out of her bed after lights out.  Nope. This was a new one.  

I had to repeat myself. “Come with me, Nikki.  Let’s go out on the couch for a little.  Oh, and bring your photo book.”

Once she decided that I was in fact serious and this was not some dream that was too good to be true, she crawled out of bed, bringing along her blanket and her little pink and white puppy, and followed me to the living room.

We had just put up the tree the day before, and it cast a cozy and warm glow over the room.  We snuggled in on the couch, two little peas in a pod, and found the beginning page of her photo album.

We looked through the whole thing...whispering and giggling and recalling fond memories represented by photos taken.  She asked questions and I answered them completely. Because I had nothing else asking for my attention.  It was just her and I. Fully present and engaged. Its amazing how seldom that happens when you have three kids and a husband and a home and a job.  

We took our time, leafing through page by page. Pausing and poring over photos in the light of the Christmas tree.

And even at the time, I knew it was special.  I knew I did the right thing to follow my instincts.

She shared her blanket with me when the arm of the couch dug into my neck.  Her little body was pressed up against mine, all warmth and softness.  Her little hands pointed out things in photographs and her breath was warm against my cheek.

I willed time to slow down.  It didn’t, but I still wished it would.

Maybe you do things like this all of the time.  Maybe you aren’t as structured as I am and maybe you don’t let your life be controlled by thoughts of “Well, if I do this for her once, will she think that this is going to be a regular occurence? Will we have more trouble with her settling down at night because of allowing this exception to the rule?”

You know, sometimes I just get tired of always thinking like that.  Projecting myself into future situations. Being responsible. Wondering how this decision will affect the outcome of future situations. What about now? What about this moment that is here...waiting to be treasured?  

No, I can’t stay up late and snuggle with my daughter on the couch every night.  We have schedules to keep and school to attend and work to get to.  But once in a while...for something special.  Why not just wing it and deal with the (possible) consequences later?  Too much of my life as a Mom has been lived outside of the present moment and frankly, I’m kind of tired of that.

After we finished looking at the book, we laid there a little longer and then I said “Ok, babes, we better get back to our beds.”  I carried her to her little bed and then I crawled back into mine. I felt all warm and fuzzy, like I’d just carved a sacred moment out of my crazy life.  I know, I was probably a little TOO pleased with myself, cuz I bet for some of you Moms out there, this sort of thing is ordinary.  And that is great!  I applaud you. But for ME, it was huge.

The next morning Jeremy said “What were you doing out of bed last night?”  Apparently, he wasn’t sleeping quite as soundly as I thought he was.  So I told him. And then I had Nikki tell him about it the next day when he got home from work.  She said “Mommy couldn’t sleep cuz she had too much caffeine at church. And I couldn’t sleep either. So we went out on the couch and looked at my picture book.”

Sometimes, when an idea comes to you, even if it seems crazy, there’s just no way you shouldn’t do it! Spontaneous can be awesome. Remember that, Audrey!

I don't know why it is, but I hate to cry in front of other people.  I mean, really hate it. I could analyze this in detail, and probably have already, but I'm not totally sure of all of the reasons. 

Maybe partially because I am most certainly NOT a pretty crier.

You know those women you sometimes see, maybe on TV or even in real life, who, when they cry, just kind of have a few tears that roll down their faces and they dab them away prettily with a embroidered hankerchief?

Let's just say that is so.not.me.

For one thing, I rarely know when I am going to cry until a few seconds before, so I am usually ill prepared to deal with the runny nose and the tears running out of my eyes.

Secondly, I am totally and completely embarrassed to cry in front of others, even if they are close friends of mine. I prefer to cry in private, thank you very much.

The good news is that I don't cry often, so I am largely able to avoid these awkward situations.

But...yesterday, I was with 2 of my best friends (you know who you are, girls) and in the course of the conversation, I started to share about this really special moment a week or two ago where God just really spoke to my heart.

I had already started into the story when I realized that I was going to get emotional.

Usually, I give people a little "fair warning" signal. As I become aware that crying is going to take place, I usually pause a little and say something like "Oh, now I'm going to cry."

Um, hello. Does that need to be said?  Let's just state the obvious here, Audrey.

I guess that is their signal to look away or put on a sympathetic but not too pity-ing look or something. I don't know.

Then, it gets worse.

As I continue to talk, I start to fiddle with random things with my hands.

Basically, whatever is close by.

Like, yesterday, there was a plate of cookies on the table in front of me.  Next thing I know, I am fingering the cookies.  I realized, in a foggy kind of way, that this was a really gross thing to do, so I stopped and found some other object to toy with while I tried to keep from totally going over the edge emotionally.

Then, my voice starts to shake almost uncontrollably and I continue to fidget and fiddle and look down at my hands. 

I told you it wasn't pretty.

Besides that, my nose gets all red and my eyes have a "I've just been crying" kind of look to them as well. 

I try to tell myself "Pull it together, Audrey. Take a deep breath.  Make your voice stop shaking." but I really can't. 

Now can you understand why I prefer to cry in private? And why sometimes, when I think something might make me cry, I choose to not even share it with others because I hate that feelings of realizing that I am going to "lose it."

Don't get me wrong. My friends were super understanding.

And neither of them tried to put their arm around me, which gives them a big A+ because doing that just makes me even more uncomfortable.

Thankfully, it didn't turn into an all out sobbing episode. I think the only person who has ever seen me sobbing is Jeremy. At least any time in the last 10 years or so.

And I'd kind of like to keep it that way.

Tears are healing. I understand that.  It would probably do me good to cry more often. 

But when you morph into this other person as soon as you get emotional, its probably best to keep those situations to a minimum. 

How about you? Do you cry in front of others? Are you comfortable with it?  Are you a "pretty crier" or more like me?

I am not sure what gave me this idea, but a few weeks ago I decided to document my Sunday morning outfits for a month.

So what you have here are pictures of what I wore to Sunday morning church in four consecutive weeks.  Also, these pictures can be used as proof that I did in fact attend church four weeks in a row.

You've all heard the expression "a month of Sundays", but I was curious as to where it originated.  Apparently, it has to do with the way a things were years ago on Sunday, when children were forbidden to play games or do much of anything that would be fun.  I would imagine that Sunday dragged on and on for these kids.  Therefore, the phrase "a month of Sundays" was used to describe something that was boring or seemingly endless.  Interesting, huh?

Now, most of you know that I have not bought any new clothing since June 15.  (Well, yes I did. I had to purchase an "Ugly Christmas sweater" for an upcoming party. And I also bought an "ugly scarf" to go with it.)  Surprisingly enough, I am still able to find outfits in my closet.  If you would see in my closet, you would understand the sarcasm in my previous sentence.

Week #1

I wore this outfit to a grown-ups only birthday party that afternoon as well. I just switched out my flats for some high heels.  (And do I not look a tad bow-legged on this picture?  Don't answer that.)

Week #2

These are the boots that I bought after asking a women in Wal-Mart where she got her boots, cuz I thought they were SO cute!  Turns it they were from "Fashion Bug" and I was able to order them online. Awe-some!

Week #3

Different outfit.  Same boots.  Different day.  Same glare from that stupid picture frame beside my head.

Week #4

And yes, this is what Nikki wore to church. She happens to like to dress herself. (That is a whole other story, believe me!) She was wearing a blue headband, pink leggings, and a dressy Light pink sweater with this skirt and shirt.  All she was missing was a sign that said "I dressed myself."  That skirt happens to be one of her very favorite pieces of clothing!

Nikki snapped a picture of my handsome hubby and I.  By the way, I bought this dress at Maurice's on clearance for $10 or $15.  I love, love it.  Red and black. My favorite color combo.

And may I just tell you about my shoes?  Ok. I'll go ahead then. I saw these at Rue 21 in the mall in Eau Claire and I wanted them badly.  But they were $26 and do I really need another pair of strappy sandals? (Don't answer that!)

Jeremy saw me eyeing them up and then he heard me say that I wasn't going to get them. And he forced me to buy them. (yes, yes, he had to do a LOT of fast talking to convince me. Ha.ha.ha.)

They are probably my best-est pair of sandals. I even wore them on a couples date night out on the pontoon boat. A bit over-dressed? Maybe. But I feel good in them!

And yes, I realize that my heels are cracked and scratchy. (Where's my foot massage person when I need him?) And that you probably shouldn't wear sandals at the end of November, but my rule is...unless the snow is too deep and it gets your feet wet and cold while wearing sandals, it is still ok to wear them!

In other news:

Jeremy just got his new I-phone. First ever smart phone in our household. "She" even has a name. "Siri."  She's practically his new girlfriend.  I think he may like her better than me. They have been spending a LOT of quality time together. Bonding, I suppose!

She's smarter than me.  She's more witty than me. She's more patient than me.  But dang it, I am definitely better looking!

I am jealous. Not just of his time spent with her, but also because now I want an I-phone too.  Did you know you can totally surf Pinterest while you are in church? (Ok, I didn't do that, but you totally could.)

Also, the Christmas tree got put up yesterday. It makes our living room seem so pretty and cozy.

Nikki snapped a few pictures of it.

We had fun putting it up and decorating it together yesterday.

Quote of the day:  While driving home from church after listening to a couple who came and shared about their time spent as missionaries in Argentina, I said to Jeremy "I think it is so cool how God gives different people a heart for different ministries."

Kendall pipes up from the back seat "I have a heart for beating up my brother."

Yup. We've still got our work cut out for us.

Happy and relaxing Sunday to all of you! 

May your day be full and your children obedient and your food delicious. 

(Whatever. I suck at making toasts.)

After that last post about insecurity, I am wanting to go a lot less deep and a lot less personal! 

I had "posting-regret" about that one.  I felt like maybe I was just.a.tad too honest.  Like there are some things that you just maybe shouldn't put "out there."  I felt like I should have put in some qualifications like "I am not a total screwball" and "Yes, I have lots of normal relationships" and "No, I am not always paranoid that people don't like me" and "No, you don't have to meet this certain list of requirements to be my friend."

But it is what it is.

So...moving on...

to a current topic that is on my mind.

It kind of started with this quote I read a while back on Pinterest.

"If you want to know where your heart is,

 look where your mind wanders."

It seemed pretty profound.  So I started noticing and analyzing where my mind would tend to wander when it was "idle".

The result was kind of disappointing and disconcerting but also a little encouraging, maybe.

It did NOT reveal some secret desire or longing that I fantascized about. My mind didn't wander to a discontented state of thinking of things I wish I had.  I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the past and how I should have done things differently.  My mind didn't even wander to my husband and kids, although that may have been a good place to go.

In my mind's "downtime", there was a consistant thought pattern.

My TO DO list!!

When I would have a minute where nothing else urgent was occupying my mind, I would find myself often thinking about what I needed to remember/get done/accomplish yet that hour/day/week.

Sad but true.

Fast forward a few weeks or months and I am reading through this book called "Present Perfect."

The second chapter talks about how we tend to spend a lot of our time living in the past or the future, when the present moment is what really counts and the present moment is where we can choose to surrender our life and our words and our actions to the Holy Spirit and to God's leading.

So I started to think about whether I do a lot of thinking about the past or the future.

I find that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the past. (Not on a daily basis.  By times I do.)

But the future...

We're back to the To Do list.

I spend an inordinate amount of mental energy and time thinking about the future. Not in worrying about it or thinking "I wonder how this or that will work out" (although, again, by times I do that) but just keeping my "To-Do" list organized in my head.

I am constantly paranoid that I will forget something, so I repeat and repeat to myself my list of things I need to do and remember.  Probably sometimes as often as 15 or 20 times from time of knowing something is coming up or needing to be done until I actually get it mentally crossed off and finished.

I have a calendar.  It is on the wall by the kitchen. I do write things down.  But mostly just the "major" type of things. Appointments, social plans, etc.

Let me give you an example of how my system "works" (or in this case, does NOT work).

Derrick had "PJ Day" at school on Monday of this week.

I got the note home from school. I wrote it on the calendar.

I probably glanced at it at least 6 times. I probably thought of it another couple of times.

But I am still worried that within the 45 minute time slot that I need to remind him about PJ day, I will forget to mention it or forget to look at the calendar.

So I made a sticky note (brightly colored) to put on the counter to remind me.

I did remember. (Ironically enough, Derrick chose not to wear PJ's to school.  Seriously, kid??? Could you not have decided this on Friday or something?)

But, this is one VERY small detail in my life which involves 3 children, a husband, friends, family, and running a household.

When I was talking with my sisters yesterday about this problem, Debbie expressed GREAT surprise that I, of all people, do not have SOME sort of very organized and efficent system for keeping track of all the details of my life.

Well. Here's the honest truth. I don't.

I used to be able to just remember everything.

That is no longer working.

I have tried many things, including using a Palm Pilot organizer, using my cell phone calendar program, using a paper organizer/planner, writing things down the calendar on my wall, sticky notes, etc.

See, this is what happens to me. I put it in the planner or on the calendar and then later, as I am running through my mental "To Do" list, I think "Wait?? Did I write that down or not?" and then I stress about that.

I am at work part of the time and at home part of the time, so my calendar is not always with me. Nor is my purse. (Well, it is at work, but out in the van)

I hate the time that it takes to write down stuff that I probably will remember anyway.

Another problem with the calendar or a planner of some sort: I tend to forget to look at it at the appropriate times, thereby STILL forgetting things.

Then there was the "Perfect Storm" of forgetfulness this spring that I may have blogged about where in one or two weeks I

a) Forgot that Kendall had 4-H and he had to sit on the curb afterwards for 45 minutes waiting for me to show up

b) I forgot that I was in charge of snack for Derrick's classroom

c) I forgot that Kendall's kindergarten graduation was that week and if someone had not by chance mentioned it, I would have totally missed it.  How awful would that have been.

d) I lost faith in myself and my abilities to remember and my perception of myself as kind of "having it together" when it comes to organization and running a household kind of went out the window.

So here is what I am looking for.

Detailed ideas on how your remember everything and how you organize your life and plans and how you free up your mental space to think more important things than your perpetual list of things to do or to remember. Do you routinely forget things?  Are you OK with that?

I have a feeling that if I don't figure this out soon, it just might be the thing that sends me to the insane asylum.

(I wrote this post about a month ago. But I didn't publish it.  Because it feels really raw and vulnerable to me and sometimes I'm just not quite up for that.  But today I think I am.  So here I am, with my heart on my sleeve. Hoping you won't trample it.)

I know what it is for me.

The thing that makes me feel most insecure and scared in a relationship.

It is when I feel like I have more to lose than you do.

When I feel like I have invested more than I have received.

I get scared.

Scared that I am going to get hurt.

Scared that you don’t like me as much as I like you.

It feels so vulnerable to me.  That place of putting myself out there. Truly.

Being willing to affirm and not getting back exactly what I was hoping for.

Wanting to be with you more than you seem to want to be with me.

I get kind of clingy.  A little weird.

And then I loathe that about myself.

So I try to play it cool.

When I think of calling you or texting you...sometimes I don’t. Just because its your turn. And I want to know that you’ll think about me and make the first move if I wait long enough.

And when you don’t...you just confirm what I already knew in my head.  You really don’t like me that much after all.  I hate it when I’m not even trying to do the math but things just start to add up.

Why don’t I just back off then?  I’ll put the distance between us that I am pretty sure you want.  Because then it will be my choice.  At least in a mixed up, less than sane kind of way of thinking.

If I love too much, I have too much to lose.

That is what I tell myself.

Even though I know that isn’t how it works.  

Supposedly.

My life experience speaks louder than any words someone can try to tell me.

Am I messed up?  Yeah.

But so are you.

We all are.

We just have different things that trigger our fears and our insecurities.

This one is mine.

I’m not sure how to deal with it because if I just care less, then I’ll never know deep and true relationships.  

And that’s no good either.

Its not that I think everyone needs to be my best friend.  I don’t think that at all. I know that’s not realistic.

But when I put forth effort and pursue a relationship because I think there is something there...my emotions get involved.  I get too intense.  I know that.

But I don’t really know how to be different.

The question is:  Are you OK with that?  Are you willing to tell me the truth if I come on too strong?  And you willing to let me be myself, with my fears and insecurities and issues? Even if they don’t match yours?  

I will be your friend for life.  But if that’s not what you want, then I don’t know how to be your casual, hey-haven’t-talked-to-you-in-a-while kind of friend.  Because to me, we are more than that.  

And I can’t live at this in-between address on the corner of “Best Friends” and “Acquaintances.”

I know you say you like me.  But I don’t really hear your words...I watch your actions.

To me, those have always spoken much louder anyway.  But what if we are speaking different languages? Can I allow you grace for that?

My life is busy too.  But I make you a priority.  "Sometimes you expect more of others because that is what you would do for them."  So true.

So I miss out on what could have been a great friendship because I can’t handle the possibility of finding out, one day, that you were just putting up with me. I jeopardize what we have because I need more.  Is that silly and stupid?  Probably so.

But I don’t know how else to be.  

Pain is a masterful tutor and a broken heart recognizes the familiar landscape and looks for the easiest road out.

And then she climbs in her car, all alone, and gets the heck out of there.

For the last number of weeks, we have been studying the parables of Jesus in our Sunday School class at church.

I have been finding the study kind of fascinating.  The way that Jesus often used these stories to explain things to people. It seems that sometimes there could have been a simpler, more straightforward way to get His point across. But in one passage, He basically says that He communicated in this way to stir up a hunger inside of people's heart for more truth.

I can see how that works, because it sure has generated some good and varied discussions in our little Sunday School class.

Today the parable was about "The Good Samaritan."  Pretty popular story that  most of you probably know.

But I wanted to focus on the couple of verses prior to the parable and share with you some things that were reiterated in my mind and part of what I shared during our Sunday School discussion this morning.

Luke Chaper 10 ---

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

   ²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

 ²⁷ He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b]”

   ²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

 ²⁹ But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

The guy asking this question of Jesus was an EXPERT in the law.  Why was he even asking the question, to begin with?

Another thing that I find interesting is that Jesus didn't just tell him what He knew to be the answer to the question of how to inherit eternal life...He throws the ball back into the court of the "expert."

And guess what? The guy gets the answer right.  Had he been following Jesus around and listening to Him?  Did he just gather from the Old Testament that these commandments were the greatest? (I don't think it really specifies that in the Old Testament.)  Why didn't he answer "Keeping the Sabbath" and "Not eating unclean meat" as being the way to eternal life? 

Jesus commends Him "You have answer correctly. Do this and you will live (presently and eternally)."

The discussion should have ended there, right?

The expert had answered the question. Jesus told him that he was correct.  With a smile on his face he could have walked away and purposed to live this out, with God's help.

But!!!!

The expert, WANTING TO JUSTIFY HIMSELF, asked "Who is my neighbor"?

He wanted it a little more defined.  He wanted things narrowed down a bit more.  He wanted a list of rules.

"Well, your neighbor is anyone who lives within 5 kilometers of your house" or "Your neighbor is anyone who treats you kindly" or "Your neighbor is someone to whom you are related."

Look at his motive for asking the question.  Wanting to justify himself.

Isn't that how we SO often are?

Because a list of rules is neat and tidy.  It is easy to look at and follow, with our little legalistic attitudes and closed hearts.

Following a set of rules doesn't require nearly as much sacrifice.  It doesn't get us out of our comfort zone. It feels secure.  We don't have to seek God nearly as much or be open to the Holy Spirit because we already know what we are supposed to do to be "righteous." 

It takes a lot of the "blood and guts" out of the whole living out our faith thing, doesn't it?

Keep it tidy.  Keep it attainable.  Keep it defined.  I know I, for one, like it better that way.

But what if my neighbor is someone who I really can't stand but who needs help?  What if the Holy Spirit prompts me to help someone when it is WAY out of my comfort zone? 

If I had a written code for who falls into the "neighbor" category and who doesn't, maybe I could just consult my little list and then walk by on the other side. Totally guilt free.  Feeling smug and self righeous.

But Jesus totally took away his crutch.  The story He proceeded to tell made a very poignant and undeniable point.

How often do we, SEEKING TO JUSTIFY OURSELVES, get out our Bibles and try to make a law out of something that isn't?  How many times do we use verses out of context in an effort to match the Bible up with what we already think in our little human brains?

How often do we ask seemingly sincere questions with rotten-to-the-core motives?

How many times have I wanted a set of rules instead of the guidance of the Holy Spirit? Seeking to justify myself. Wanting to feel better. Wanting this whole "loving God and loving people" thing to be less ambiguous, requiring less sacrifice of me, easier to pin down?

Sometimes the example of how to live comes from the most unexpected sources. (A kind hearted Samaritan) Am I willing to see the answers for what they are?