Sometimes I figure out what I am going to write and then I write it.

And sometimes I write so that I can figure out what I am thinking.

This post falls in the latter category.

Recently, some old photos of me have surfaced online.

Ok, fine. I posted them.  Nothing super secretive about that, I guess!

They are from my wedding day.

February 13, 1999.

I was 20 years old.  Today I am ____ years old. You do the math!

Jeremy and I.

My two brothers and I.  Joe is all grown up now!  And so is Loren.  (Ha, ha)

But here is what these photos and my discussions with people about them has brought up in my mind.

Am I the same girl as I was back then?

People look at this picture and they can hardly even see the "current" me in it.

I totally can.

Because I lived it.  I was there. This is who I saw when I looked in the mirror.

And I knew who I was inside and that girl is still largely the same as the 20 year old on her wedding day.

I have always been outgoing. I have never been super tactful. I have always like to laugh and have fun. I have always smiled a lot.  I have never had a lot of fear about new situations.  I always have made friends easily. I have always been stubborn.  I have always said things that I regret and made too many inpulsive decisions.

So when I look at that girl, I just see me.

What you can't see when you look at pictures of me, whether then or now, is what is going on underneath the surface. 

You can't see that the same struggles I had back then are still the struggles that I tend to fight today. You can't see that the insecurites that would have bothered me then are still the insecurities that, deep down, I still fight at times today. You can't see that this girl adored and respected her Dad greatly and still does.  You can't see that this girl had already dealt with heartbreak and that she had trust issues because of it.  You can't tell that this girl, for all her plain ways and the strict rules that governed her life...had almost no relationship with God.

You can look at her and think you know something about her because of this picture.  But you really don't.

Just the same way you might look at this girl ^^ and think you know something about her.  You really don't.

You don't know her motives.  You don't know her heart.  You don't know the private battles that she faces and the tears that she cries when no one is looking.

You don't know the struggles she has.  The weariness she feels at times.  And you certainly can't look at her and judge where her relationship with God might be.  You don't know the ways that she has grown and the hard things she has gone through to get to that point.  You don't know her journey and her story and her fears.  You don't know who she trusts without a doubt and who she is leery of.  You don't know what goes on inside of her head.

Sure, she can tell you things about herself. She can choose to share with you her struggles and her fears. She can let you in and invite you to walk beside her and help her along.  She can try her best to be honest and genuine and real.

But there is always a part of her that you won't fully know. I think all of us as humans experience a sense of lonliness, to a greater or lesser degree.

Because no matter how many kindred spirits I find and no matter how much I love them and love that they understand me so well, there is always this part of me that no one quite "gets".  I can try to explain it with a thousand words and at the end of it all, the battle is still mine to fight.  The struggle I may have is still intensely personal. My relationship with God is between Him and I and I have to figure it out with His help.

I found this quote that I think kind of describes what I am trying to say "We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for a moment that we are not alone."

Only God really "gets" us and I think we need to "get" (seek) Him to understand that He is trying to tell us about ourselves.  I have been and am a person who tends to go to people when I am in trouble.  To go to people for help and guidance and insight.   Because I so badly just want someone to tell me what to think and what to do.

Yes, it is great to have friends who help you process life and walk with you and will listen and care, but sometimes I think that the reason God made us all unique and different and put in us that feeling of lonliness is to draw us closer to Himself.  To give us that craving for Someone who understands us fully, Someone who always understands, always cares and always listens.

I told you I was writing to figure out what I thought about this, and this post came out totally different than I expected.

So maybe what I have been feeling and trying to put my finger on is this.

You can look at a picture of me from 13 years ago and wonder who that girl was?  But you can also see me today and think you know me and that you've got me figured out because of your perception of me or because of what I look like.

And I'm the same girl.  Yes, I have hopefully grown. I've been through some things that have altered my life and I have changed me mind on many things and I continue to seek and turn my face towards the beacon of Truth.

But its still me. When I look at those two pictures I don't see two very different people. I just see me. The face in the mirror.  The heart that is full of all my life experiences and thoughts and emotions and love.

The girl who fundamentally is not that different than she was 13 years ago.  She still just wants love and acceptance and to be understood.  For who she was then and who she is now.

And it just serves to remind me that I also don't know people around me fully. I don't understand them fully. I can't judge the motives of their hearts and I really don't need to. I just need to show them love and acceptance and try to offer understanding for who they are now and the journey that has brought them to this place. I need to allow them the chance to grow and to change and not assume they haven't or won't.  I need to offer a safe place to rest and a heart that is open to trying to meet them where they are.

Its the least I can do.

Mostly I am blogging today so that the last blog post I wrote is not at the top of the list.

I want it to go away.

You know how, as a writer, once in a while you write something and almost immediately when you post it you just wish you wouldn't have.  But now you spent all of that time writing it, so you may as well go ahead?

I normally write my posts quickly, my fingers fly about as fast as the thoughts come to my head, I hit "Submit" and I feel happy with what I wrote.

But not that last time.

So...this is my attempt to successfully move past a post that I am not too proud of.

{SCRAP}

There are a lot of different directions one could go with this word, but what I was mostly thinking of is how every day we have little scraps and tidbits to remember and, if we had the time, it would be awesome to be able to scrapbook every day of our lives.  Although it may not be interesting enough for anyone to ever look at, it would still be really cool to have.

I think about how many more memories I would have of my childhood if my Mom would have taken more pictures and written more things down.

The thing is...when we don't document these scraps of memories...within a short time they become smaller and smaller until they disappear among the haze of normal life. Sure, there may be some memories that stay with us through the years, but not many.  And at least for myself, I have found that the memories that do stay are very random and kind of fuzzy, like your kids' favorite blankie.

I am quite thankful for all of the thoughts and memories that I have captured through the years via my blog. It has been almost 7 years now that I have been blogging, and though I rarely go back and read my old blog posts, I have a dream of one day making a book out of them.

And then I will probably have to hide it somewhere that my kids will never find it and have one of my best friends swear to come over and burn it (along with my journals) in the event of my sudden and unexpected death.  Or, I will sort through the posts and figure out what I would want preserved into the next generation(s) and make the book accordingly.

So...

YESTERDAY'S SCRAPS

**First of all, I can tell you that "scraps" is a possessive noun and the word "yesterday's" is what is possessing the noun "scraps."  My son was horrified to learn, yesterday, that his "all-knowing Mom" (yeah, he's still young enough to sort of believe that) was not certain how to answer a 3rd grade girl's question about her English paper...regarding possessive nouns.

I had to explain that it wasn't that I REALLY didn't know...I just needed a little refresher course. Ok?

**For once I spent the first few hours of my Wednesday NOT doing bookwork and NOT talking on the phone. Those two things are generally what I am doing between 7 - 9 AM on Wednesday.  It was kind of a welcome break and I felt really relaxed as I puttered around and did little house-wifely jobs, made spaghetti for supper (to be baked and pretty much ready when I got home a little before 5:30 PM) and spent some time catching up on the computer.

**I took my "double shower" with Nikki, which is now part of our Wednesday morning routine.  I shower first, then she hops in with me to get her shower.  It saves me from having to do the whole bath tub routine, but she does need to learn a little bit about the whole "water in her eyes" thing, because she kind of tends to freak out about it. And then I tend to get grouchy.  And then it kind of goes downhill from there.

**I am reading a book called "Freedom" by Jonanthan somebody. It is our book for this month's book club. I am very enthralled by this book in a sort of weird way.  What I love about it most is the way that it delves into the minds of the characters and brings to light their motives and their thought processes in a highly fascinating way. At least to me.  I got to do a little reading while I waited for the spaghetti noodles to cook and while I ate my breakfast.

**Speaking of breakfast. I am in the first 4 days of the "Flat Belly Diet" (it is called the "Jump Start" part of the diet) and this is what I had for breakfast three days in a row, including yesterday.  A cup of cornflakes, a cup of skim milk, a cup of blueberries and a 1/4 cup of sunflower seeds.  Plus, I have to drank a glass of this special "Sassy water" which is quite unappealing to me.  (You add sliced cucumber, sliced lemon, fresh ginger and some spearmint leaves to a pitcher of water and then drink the water.  Since I hate cucumbers (yeah, so sue me) the taste of the water is not so appealing to me.)

**I helped in Derrick's classroom for a while this morning. I actually like the "idea" of being a teacher and I think maybe I could make a good teacher's helper.  Helping the kids with their questions brought back (good) nostalgic memories of the times when I was one of the older ones in school and I was allowed to answer other kids "flags" and help them with their work.  As long as the kid catches on relatively quickly, I am OK.  If they take too long and I can't think of any other way to explain what I just already said 3 times, then I tend to lose patience. Which is why I am NOT a teacher.  The patience they need to have pretty much amazes me.

**I also had lunch with a bunch of 3rd grade boys, including my son.  The boys and girls sit separately by the time they get to the 3rd grade (mostly, anyway) and so there I am, surrounded by 3rd grade boys. I fast forwarded in my head and wondered how long this will work out.  Can you picture a 37 year old Mom sitting at a table of 7th grade boys and feeling welcomed?  I am sort of doubting it.  At this point, I am still looked up to and the boys (at least the more chatty ones) actually want to include me in the conversation and tell me things about their lives. I think I'll just ride the "Mrs. Miller is still cool" wave as long as I can.  After that, I'll just be sad.

**I spent a good 10 minutes of my life walking around our new "guy" store in town looking for a bucket with a lid, so that I can make my own laundry soap.  Darn you, Stephanie O.    And I DID try to find a person to ask, but every employee was either hiding or busy.  Nikki said she was "too tired to walk" and wanted to sit on a bench while I did my hunting, but I thought that might not be a good long-term idea, so we got a cart.  (This story is extremely fascinating, isn't it??  Sorry. There really is NO punch line.)

**I hung out with my "Wednesday Girls" and had a wonderful time.  They had recently seen a couple of pictures of me from my wedding and I think they were really having trouble reconciling "Audrey then" with "Audrey now." My friend Karlee actually referred to the person in my wedding pictures as "that girl", who, I reminded her, was actually the same girl sitting not 3 feet away from her at the moment!  But, this is what I explained to them.  I never did fit the Mennonite mold.  Even from as young as 14 or 15, I couldn't make myself just go along with things that I didn't see the logic in.  I didn't have a lot of choice about how I dressed or what I did...the rules were the rules. Yet I always had this battle inside of me between what I was told to do and what made sense to me.  That caused me quite a bit of trouble in my growing up years and by the time that I was 19 I had already decided to leave the church I grew up in.  Sometimes, you just know something isn't for you, which doesn't mean that it isn't the right place for other people. 

I told her that my personality really wasn't any different back then, I was always talkative and outgoing and kind of blunt, but I think she could hardly get past the way I dressed and my caterpillar eyebrows. It was a fun conversation!  Being quizzed out by my friends about what it was like to grow up Mennonite is a relatively new thing for me and I would imagine I would ask the same questions if the tables were turned.

**I also went on a walk with 2 of my friends. I wish I had a picture to show you. Well, maybe not, actually. I had worn this super cute dress (given to me by a special friend) with tights and little black boots.  The problem was...by this time of the day it was almost 70 degrees and very sunny.  Not only were the tights too stinkin' hot, but I also needed to borrow tennis shoes from my friend, which were a little too big. So picture me with a cute, dressy type of dress, a little black shrug, no tights and too big tennis shoes.  Just walking down the road with my friends.  And I still enjoyed myself. Although once, when my friend Morgan glanced over at me I said something like "STOP looking at my outfit. You're making me feel embarrassed!" and I think she kind of wondered what was wrong with me!

**In the evening we attended one of our (two) weekly Bible studies.  I think that this was the first Bible study group discussion I have ever had on the wedding ring.  I can sum up all of my thoughts on the wedding ring into about 3 sentences...as I explained to Jeremy on the way to Bible study. 

"I wear a wedding ring because it is our culture's symbol of being married. When someone wants to know if you are married, they check your ring finger on your left hand.  There are negative connotations that go along with the idea of a married person either "taking off their ring" or not wearing a ring.  I want to be known as a married woman and be proud of it in all situations."

OK. So that was 4 sentences.  But that is about as deep as the whole ring discussion goes with me.

**On the rainy Monday at the beginning of this week, our kids constructed this fort in our basement.

The next night they decided they wanted to sleep in it.  Nikki ended up chickening out and coming upstairs and sleeping on the couch, but the boys made it all night.

Last night, they asked if they could sleep in there again.  We said that they could, but if Nikki got out again, she was not going to be going for Round #3 the next night.

We got them all tucked in and just before I fell asleep for the night I had a flash of panic about them sleeping in their fort.

Do you see how this heavy mattress is supported only by a propped up piece of wafer board?

I awoke my nearly sleeping husband to say "Do you think the kids are OK in there? Do you think there is enough of airflow?  They're not going to suffocate are they?"

He said "Both ends are open, right? And they have a fan" and then he promptly fell asleep.

I couldn't remember. Are both ends open? I didn't think so. It seemed like there were blanket over every inch of space.

I pictured, in my minds eye, going down there in the morning and finding one of my kids motionless, all because I was too lazy to get out of bed check out the safety of their fort.

Or, what if the mattress came crashing down on all of them? Would they wake up?  Kendall is a super heavy sleeper. What if I came down there in the morning and then whole thing was crashed in and they were buried underneath...never knowing what hit them?

(The fort from another angle. It is quite a large structure, with room enough for all three children to sleep inside)

So...I got up.  I went downstairs and I checked. And yes, there did seem to be plenty of air movement inside the fort. The one end was, in fact, open.  I hadn't remembered that.

I told myself "Audrey. Stop worrying so much. They'll be fine."

And I went back to bed.

And when I got up this morning, they were fine. Nothing had crashed. No one had suffocated.  But I still am not so sure about the structural integrity of their creation.

There is one kid visible on this picture, but it turned out really dark.

And here is another one who is about to be woken up for school.

**Before bedtime, I jumped rope for a little while. Just to impress my kids (and husband) with my skills. Granted, my huge earrings and my necklaces made jangling noises with every jump, but I did 1 jump for each year of my kids' ages (that adds up to 20) and 1 jump for every year of my age (33).  And then I called it good.  I used to love to jump rope and actually still kind of do. I wanted to have a contest with my Wednesday Girls but sometimes no one picks up on my awesome ideas and I have to let them slide!

I remember as a kid jumping and jumping and jumping on the back porch of our house. My goal was always to see how many jumps I could do without messing up.  To my recollection, I did 700 hundred some jumps in a row without stopping and without messing up.  I wonder if I could match that record these days? Maybe with a little practice. Ok. A lot of practice!

**Thursday is here and it is another day.  A day full of scraps of memories, good and bad, that may or may not be preserved. But at least I've got a few from yesterday!

Now that I wrote out that title, I am getting a sense of deja' vu...like I have blogged about this subject previously. But I have no idea when and don't know what conclusion I came to at that point, so we'll just start fresh.

Shall we?

For some reason, I always have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that maybe I am a narcissistic person. I think it is because I am naturally quite selfish (Why do you think being a Mom has been so hard for me?) and because I like to get my fair share of the words in when I am having a conversation with someone else.  Or because I tend to think, when someone tells me something, "How will this affect me?"   (Not that I don't care how things affect my friends, but I tend to also care a lot about how the situation will affect me.)  I also have struggled to be an empathetic person.  It is not real easy for me to put myself in someone else's shoes when I haven't actually ever been there myself.

Plus, I seem to think about myself a lot, which bothers me.

I feel like if I were to catalog my thoughts every day and have them displayed in a pie graph, they might look something like this:

{Does the fact that I just spent about 10 minutes of my life making a pie graph which showed the break-down of my perception of my daily thoughts say anything about the subject I am writing about?  Let's say not, OK?  P.S. I absolutely could not figure out how to get that pie graph to copy and paste onto Xanga.  So, I then thought of drawing out the pie graph in "Paint" and seeing if that would work.  Hey, you gotta give me this. I am VERY determined once I get an idea into my head.)

(Note...in case you can't read it, the yellow part of the pie graph stands for "Food".  And yes, I am currently on a diet. How did you guess?)

Oh, and I also did 2 quizzes online in preparation for this blog post and read up on narcissism on Wikipedia.  From all of the information that I gathered, it turns out that I am not at all narcissistic, because the way I am using the word is nowhere close to the way a person who is actually narcissistic feels or acts or thinks.  In fact, on the one 40 question quiz that I took, I scored about 1.3 points lower on the narcissism scale than the national average.  (If you want to take the quiz for yourself, HERE is the link!)

I think maybe sometimes healthy confidence can be confused with narcissism.  At least it seemed so to me in the one quiz that I took.

But...when you think the whole world revolves around you, when you always want to be the center of attention, or when you think everybody needs to notice and care about everything related to you, then you are probably bordering on narcissistic.

Another part of my problem is that often when I am thinking of "myself" during the day, it is in the interest of learning to become a better person.  I have never had much respect for people who are not a bit introspective. I think that when you just glibly go on always doing things the way you have and don't recognize your negative patterns, you are on the fast track to becoming someone that no one really cares for and you will have a lot of problems in your life and never be able to figure out why.

But...here is what I think that I am learning and maybe why this whole "thinking too much of myself" subject is nagging at my brain.  I think it is the Holy Spirit saying to me something like this:

"Audrey...if you would focus more on God, you WILL change and become more like Him.  And, if you focus more on other's needs and concerns and interests, you WILL find yourself surrounded by people who also care about you."

Sometimes I go about things backwards and God needs to stand in my path, make a pie graph for me, and tell me to stop being so concerned about myself.

Yeah, I think that is what just happened.

PS -- This post may be a bit too honest. I have this urge to write a bunch of disclaimers about how I really am a nice person, how I do have friends that I care about, etc., etc.  But, back to the honesty thing.  It is. ^^^ So I'll just leave it at that.

I will admit that sometimes I have it.

Blogger envy.

I will read someone else's writings and think "Wow! I wish I were that witty" or "I wish I could make everyday life sound that interesting" or "I wish I were that deep" or "I wish I could take those kinds of pictures."

I get it that each of us are unique and different and we all have something to offer to the world with our writing.

Unless, of course, we are bitter and jaded and irrational, then maybe all we have to offer is something that people don't want to read.  (That was mostly just a joke.)

I love to write.  I have pretty much loved writing ever since I can remember. I have a huge stack of journals to prove it.  Plus, I also clearly remember winning a writing contest when I was in about the 6th grade.  I even remember what I wrote about...a Native American girl. Her life may have been loosely based on the many "Mandy" books I was reading at the time (as one of the high school boys accused me of), but still...

Even the other day (Tuesday)...when I was sitting on my chair all weary...thinking about the stuff that still needed to be done and thinking about my crazy day...once I got the idea to write about it, wow, that totally lifted my spirits!  By the time I was done writing, I felt completely good. Writing is so therapeutic (Yup! Totally had to Google how to spell that) for me!

So I will write. Probably always. Whether publicly or privately. Because it is part of my DNA. I even have hopes to write a book one day, but I can't figure out what I would write about.

But, still, there are those times when I just feel like "Where do I really fit in?" or "Do I really have anything different to offer?" or "Why can't I find my niche?" or "I wish I was funnier!"

The ever interesting, very talkative, funny, beautiful Liz Nye and I spent a large chunk of time together in the vehicle within the past 2 weeks.  We covered many, many subjects.  18 hours in a vehicle together will allow you that luxury!  We even missed our road because we were so busy talking. (I say "we" because she was with me. Not because she was at all responsible for that wrong turn!)

One thing that we talked about was blogs and who we like and why.  We talked about different styles of blogs. We talked about the way that both of us write and how our styles our different. We talked about how there are those certain bloggers, who, when you see they updated, you pretty much drop everything to read it.

Here is what I have been thinking about, largely based on that conversation.

Everyone has their favorites in the blogging world.

I know I do.

And there IS a place for everyone. 

Just because someone doesn't really connect with my blog doesn't mean that they don't have others that they connect with.  And just because there are certain blogs that I gravitate towards doesn't mean that everyone else needs to love those blogs. There are times when a friend recommends a blog to me and when I check it out, I just don't find it that interesting. Or I don't connect with it. But maybe I do, and I feel very grateful for the recommendations. 

I think it is like this. If you want to write, Just Do It. (As the Nike slogan so firmly engrained into our brains.)

You probably aren't going to be the "most" anything...most famous, most funny, most kind, most gracious, most truthful or whatever. But you are special. And you DO have something to offer.

At least that is what I tell myself. And I keep on writing.

And so...the question of the day...

Who is your favorite blogger?  What type of blogs do you like to read?  What great blogs would you recommend and why?

Liz told me that she loves a blog called http://www.kellehampton.com/   This lady takes beautiful pictures and writing about everyday life. 

I told Liz about Sydney at The Daybook who I think has a great sense of fashion and who is super witty and funny!

If I want additional funny, I would read Big Mama -- who I think is completely hilarious! 

If I want serious and deep, I would read Ann Voskamp's blog.  But I can only handle so much of that.

I totally connect with the irreverent and somewhat inappropriate stuff that this blogging lady has to say.

I also really enjoy The Gypsy Mama who just writes about normal life in an entertaining way.

And OF COURSE, I have my favorites among my Xanga buddies and my other real life and on-line friends, who, when you post, I get this excited feeling in my stomach and can't wait to see what you have written about and what is going on in your life and in your heart. Because we share a connection and a friendship deeper than just both knowing how to type and access the internet.

Just be yourself.  And be fearless!.  And write.  Just write!!  Because there is someone who will connect with you, there is somebody who you will touch with your words and you CAN make a difference!!

(End of motivation speech.  No applause needed.  Takes a bow and leaves the stage.  Thank you! Thank you very much!)

...I decided to make something different for breakfast...baked oatmeal. I was convinced my kids would LOVE it. I even put chocolate chips in it. The baked oatmeal episode ended with Derrick in tears cuz he hated it so much, I had to force Nicole to eat a minimum number of bites and Kendall was the only one who wanted a second helping. Guess what I will be having for breakfast for the next 4 days?

...I told myself "Audrey!! If you keep eating the way you have been the last 2 weeks, you will soon be wearing only maxi dresses and high waisted shirts. You have GOT to get a grip on yourself."

...I read a stupid book about some stupid Barbie princesses to Nicole while we waited for Derrick to be done with his guitar lesson. I think it was called "Barbie and the 3 Musketeers." Let's just say this...if that kind of writing is all it takes to be an author of children's books, I just found myself a new career.

...I decided that Derrick is old enough to learn to do laundry. So I started teaching him. And yeah, maybe I got a little defensive when he asked why we need to sort the clothing. Because, honestly, I don't have a very logical argument and that bothers me.

...I made taco salad for supper. Which was a MUCH bigger hit than the baked oatmeal, Thank God! Jeremy wanted to play a song for us during supper (he had heard it today...Casting Crowns song called "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" and he really liked it) so Nikki had to sign to me her opinion of the supper. Which was 2 thumbs way up!

...I called Jeremy when I left work and told him that my boss just gave me a "WTF?? Are you joking?" kind of raise. Because, while I am not ungrateful for it, the smallness of the raise made it seem like it would have been a better deal if he had given me a couple of big bowls of popcorn or a t-shirt that said "Will work for food".

...I thought that if I hear one more fighting sound coming from my kids I was going to literally choke someone. Or at least fantasize about it in my head. Literally.

...I let Nikki wrap her own gift (mostly) for her cousin's birthday party tomorrow. She used an ungodly amount of tape and then Kendall came and tattled that "Nikki was wasting too much tape" to which I said "I don't care." So...If you want to see a gift-wrapped disaster, come on over. Thankfully, the paper just gets thrown away. At least that's the way I figure. And then I let her brother help her with her card, which turned out quite a bit better.

...My challenge in the Joy Dare was to think of one gift bent, one gift broken, and one gift beautiful. Here is my record of that: Bent -- Candy Canes Broken -- The necklace I am wearing today, which was made from a broken china plate. Beautiful -- The variety and color and love in my world because of my friends.

...I did so much work at my job that I amazed even myself. And then I thought "Wow! This is how hard some office managers have to work every day!!" Dang! Hats off to them.

...I sat down in our recliner, with the peeling (must have been fake) leather at the end of the day and thought "I am so weary" and "I wish I could push a magic button and make the kids be all tucked in and asleep." I also thought "For ONCE I am going to let Jeremy be the one to suggest bedtime and get is started!!" The story is not yet finished on that one...because at some point I may have to give in and mention how late it is getting and "Honey, did you remember that the kids have school tomorrow??"

...I decided that if I would spend less time analyzing and trying to figure things out...maybe I wouldn't miss so many of the little things in my life. A distracted mind feels like second nature to me, and some days I really don't like that. When you find yourself analyzing why you do so much analyzing, you know that you are in a downward spiral.

...After supper, I stood in the kitchen and played "Words with Friends" while Derrick said "This is why I don't like the I-pad and the I-phone. Look at Mom and Dad. Both playing on their electronics." This coming from the boy who had JUST finished playing X-box for at least a 1/2 hour. It was hard to take him real serious. And then I reminded him of who the parents are in this family.

...I stopped at the Family Dollar on the way to guitar lessons and bought those packs of cracker sticks and cheese for a snack for the kids. And some fig newtons. And some peeps. Because I have been hungry for Peeps for over a week now and it seemed high time to take care of that craving.

...Kendall yelled at me and then said that he was grouchy because he "had a bad day." That is his latest "go to excuse" because recently he came home grouchy one day and later he said "I just had a bad day" and I was sympathetic. Now, he assumes the fact that he "had a bad day" will cover a multitude of sins. I explained to him that having a bad is not an excuse to be disobedient, disrespectful, or unkind. But that yes, I am sorry he had a bad day and I will be happy to listen to him talk about it.

...The boys were shooting their little foam dart gun in the house and as one of them aimed at me, the other one said "Well, it shouldn't be hard to hit her. She's got SUCH a big butt." Refer back to paragraph #2.

...I sat across the living room from my husband and we smiled and winked at each other...for no reason. I love that about us!

Goodnight, ya'll.

Loss ~

It is one of those words, like love, that should not be responsible, on its own, to cover the whole scope of emotion that it does.

One word is simply not definitive enough to capture the wide range of emotions that are associated with it.

For example, you can lose your car keys or you can lose all hope.

You can experience the loss of a pet or the loss of a best friend.

Loss can happen suddenly or so gradually that you barely take notice of it.

Sometimes losing something is a decision we make (losing weight) and sometimes the loss is completely decided for us. (a death)

Loss can be shared with others who are experiencing the same series of events, but Loss is still intensely personal, very deep, and often times can be very lonely.

Sometimes you don't notice that you lost something until it is completely gone.  Or, as the saying goes, there are times when you "don't know what you've got till its gone."

I don't think we can pretend to understand the loss that another person is going through, because everyone processes grief and sadness differently.  It may look one way in one person's life and completely different in another's.  I don't know if there is a right and a wrong way to process loss or a set amount of time that you have to work through it.  There may be healthy and unhealthy ways, yes, but even so, everyone has to fight those battles on their own.

Some losses are so deep that you never completely get over them.  Others may only take a matter of months or weeks to work through.

Sometimes loss comes about just because of the expectations that you have associated with an event or a relationship or a stage of life.  When those things don't turn out according to what you expected, there can be a profound sense of loss and disappointment that you have to deal with.  Yes, you can choose to go through life with lowered expectations, but that takes a toll as well.

Sometimes it is the loss of a dream that gets to us, sets us back, and throws us for a loop.  There is that spot in life, where I think we all find ourselves from time to time, when reality and dreams collide into that realization that what you hoped for is probably never going to happen.  And you have to do something with those feelings.

You can choose to stuff them, you can pretend to ignore them and hope they disappear, or you can talk about them, you can try your best to process them and hope you can allow the loss to grow you as a person and deepen your faith in God.

I don't know who all is reading this, I don't know what loss you may be experiencing in your life right now or what losses from the past you are still working through, I don't pretend to know your whole story or the depth of what you are facing, but I do want to encourage you in this:  Loss can be a great motivator to draw us towards the One who will NEVER leave us or forsake us.  

And that may be one of the ways that God brings good from bad and redeems the losses in our lives!

In the jumble that is my mind (see yesterday's post...I am still recovering from my wonderful 5-day trip) I have been noticing that I keep on rolling around and sorting out three different things.

The first is this:

Whenever I have gotten back from a girl's weekend, I feel SO refreshed and ready to do whatever it is that I need to do in my every day life.  I have this feeling of "I love my family so much" and I feel super relaxed. Like I will never stress about anything again.  The work that needs to be done is in the background and it feels like I am re-focused on the fact that relationships really ARE the most important things in life.

This is what I have been mulling over...How can I keep that feeling alive for more than 24 hours after I get back?  When you are a Mom, there are so very many "chores" that need to be done.  There is a lot of routine and a lot of responsibility.  How can I not find myself, by a day later, feeling like I am just back to the grind? Here I am again, preparing dinner, dealing with homework and kids fighting, folding that mountain of laundry, emptying the trash, loading the dishwasher, and just taking care of the million and one things that need to be done.

I want to learn how to cut everything out of my life that is not making me feel relaxed and full of happiness, but not live in a crazy, unpredicable world where my house is a wreck and my kids never get bathed. 

I have very little, if any, clarity on this.

The second is this:

Perception is everything.  Years ago, my Dad told me this quote and it is one of the two quotes that I know that I think about SO often.  Because it is so true.

Two people can be in the same situation, see the same things, hear the same words, but because of their life experiences up to that point and the filter through which they run everything that they see and hear, they can come out at two very different places and with two very different interpretations of the same situation or conversation.  I saw that happen different times this weekend. It fascinates me and interests me and also makes to want to work on my perceptions and make sure that the filter through which I am running things is firmly grounded in truth.

Also, when we have been hurt by someone or there is something unhealed in a particular relationship, we will tend to view everything that person does through a curtain of distrust or uncertainty or suspicion.  I see that in myself. Whether in conversing with others about situations in my life or just the way that I relate to people in a group or to my friends.

It can kind of be summed up with this "pin" (which I think is freakin' hilarious, by the way)

And the third one:

The idea that our strengths and weaknesses lie side by side.  This is the other quote my Dad taught me as a teenager that really stuck with me. I have probably repeated it more than a 1,000 times since then. (I guess I kind of love good quotes, don't I?)

But when you meet and are around lots of other women and you get into many, many great discussions, you realize how different we all are, yet how much we all struggle and are trying to find our way.

So maybe I don't forget to mail my Christmas cards out or send that birthday present to a friend, but do I take the time to be spontaneous when I should be? Do I stop to read a book to my child when the moment presents itself or am I willing to scrap my plan for the day because my husband wants to do something different?

Maybe I talk a lot and make new friends easily, but I have a lot to learn about being a good listener!

I might have strengths as a leader, but do I push other people around in the process?

The bottom line, for me, is this.  None of us should despise who we are and how God made us.  What might be a struggle for you is easy for me, but maybe something you are talented and gifted in, I have no idea how to make happen.

If you are able to keep that perspective, it is so encouraging and enlightening and just plain fun to be around other women who are inspiring and different and awesome!

And that is my attempt to write down some of what is going on in my head today. 

We have a snow day! The first of the year.  So the day is relaxed and fun and easy.  I have Wild Rice soup in the crockpot, which, although it sounds and smells awesome, will probably NOT be a hit with my family.  I should clean my basement, but I am SO not in the mood.  (See, I AM learning to roll with it more and avoid work that needs to be done!) 

As some of you know, I just got back from a 5-day trip to Ohio and back. 

It was a wonderful adventure and mostly was just SO full of great friends and amazing conversation, but my brain still feels like it is swirling.

In the context of being in a house with 26 other girls, if nothing else, there is a TON of great conversation!  If you know me, you know that I pretty much thrive on great conversation.  I almost literally get a high from it!

But I don't know if that whole "I'm not as young as I once was" thing is catching up to me or not?

In the same way that I can't stay up as late as I used to be able to and then expect to function well the next day, maybe I have my limits on how many great conversations I can have in one weekend and still sort them out.

I left home on Wednesday afternoon and immediately called a good friend to chat for a while.  Times flies for me when I am talking on the phone, so driving and phone conversations are a perfect fit for me.

I am not even sure why I thought it was necessary to download some new podcasts on my I-phone, because I think all I listened to was maybe 5 or 10 minutes of one of them.

Once I picked up my friend Liz and continued on towards Ohio...there was non-stop talking and laughter between the 2 of us.

So much so that I literally drove for 2 hours on the wrong road before I realized what I had done! This was very humiliating and very out of character for me.  I guess Liz' stories were just so captivating I wasn't paying attention. (Thankfully, we didn't have to completely backtrack...we only ended up having gone about 45 minutes out of the way. And...Liz was SUPER sweet about it all!)

And once I got to the house where the event was held...Wow!  So much conversation and information and INCOMING thoughts and questions and ideas and excitements and hurts and emotions being poured both into my heart and mind and out of my heart and mind.

Driving home, tired as we were, and with Liz' voice practically gone, you would think we would have been silent. But no!! 

Then as I finished my trip out on Monday, still more great phone conversations with friends.  More thoughts to sort out. More input to consider.  More things to process.

Even though I have been home for over 24 hours, my brain still feels like a complete jumble.

I guess my OCD-ness is on high alert to all of the stuff that came into my heart and mind in the last 6 days but hasn't been sorted out yet and filed away.

And maybe it doesn't need to be.  Maybe God lets it linger there so I can roll it around some more and prompt me to pray or message someone about what we talked about.

The point of this very scattered (to me at least) post is that I have taken in and given out A LOT in the last few days and I feel more blessed for it.  Relationships have gone to the next level, I've gotten to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and I feel overwhelmed with the blessing that is the many friends in my life.  I value each of them!!

But right now...I think I need at least another day or two to feel like my mind has stopped whirling.

My good friend Cindy from "down on the farm" tagged me in a post.

And if you know me, you know I can't resist a good tag.    Even if it takes me a week to get around to doing something about it!

When I think back on my life and try to think of anything wild, either currently or in the past, it occurs to me that, overall, my life has been fairly normal and tame.

So, you'll have to take "wild" in that context.  And then, there are some "wild" things I could write about, but they are not really appropriate for public knowledge.  You know how that goes.  So...here is what I came up with after sorting through.

#1 -- I was 18 years old and driving home, alone, after spending 6 weeks at Maranatha Bible School. I was about a half hour from home and I decided to see just.exactly.how.fast my little white Toyota Supra could go.  There was a straight stretch of road coming up so I put the pedal to the metal and as the speed-o-meter climbed rapidly, all of a sudden my engine died.  Just like that!  I was able to get off to the side of the road and some people I knew came by and picked me up. (This was in the days before I had a cell phone!)  Anyway, maybe God was sparing my life that day...who knows?  It turned out that I had literally run my car out of oil. Apparently there was a leak that was worse than I knew and the car chose that precise moment to run out of oil and blow the engine. How embarassing was that story to report to my Dad and my friends??!

#2 - I am pretty adventuresome with my hair.  I am not afraid of much and have tried different colors and styles, etc. over the past few years, including dying my hair auburn for my 30th birthday and surprising Jeremy with it. He didn't even recognize me right away when he walked into the restaurant where we were to meet. My next appointment is next Monday and I am getting some pink put in.  Unless the stylist talks me out of it. Which I doubt she will.

#3 - I don't know if this qualifies as wild or just gross, but I have been known to eat ice cream straight out of the carton, with my fingers, while driving home from the grocery store.  Don't judge me. You have no idea just HOW AWESOMELY GOOD Kemps Moose Tracks ice cream is!!

#4 - I am totally OK with others using the "F-word" or the "sh**" word and use them quite a bit myself. In the proper settings!   And not generally in front of my kids.   Anyway, doesn't offend me one bit. In fact, I thought the hangover was not nearly as good when I saw the TV version that didn't have the "F-word" in it.  But...if you use God's name in vain or say "What the hell?" in my presence, I will likely be at least slightly offended.  I feel very strongly about not using God's name in vain. This argueable "double standard" probably makes no sense to most people, but to me it makes perfect sense.

#5 - I once stayed up reading until 5:30 AM.  I was 17 or 18 and I still remember the name of the book and the author, I think.  Penelope Williamson was the author and the book was "The Outsider."  (I was super tempted to use Amazon or Google to double check myself on this, but I refrained. So my details could be a bit fuzzy.)

#6 - Jeremy and I were on vacation in Tennessee.  I left our hotel at 10 PM at night and spent 3 hours driving through dark and hilly and curvy backroads because I was bound and determined to get into the states of South Carolina and North Carolina.  (You see...I have this thing about getting into all 50 states at some point in my life and I was NOT going to be that close to those states and not get into them.  And Jeremy was unwilling to participate.)

#7 - I am not afraid to try new things. Sometimes I even seek them out.  I also get these impulsive ideas into my head at times and then I just.do.them!  Like the time I took a fairly spur-of-the-moment trip to Birmingham, AL to spend time with a friend that I had reconnected with through Xanga.  Or the way that a friend and I got to talking about how cool it would be to organize a blogger get-together and then we just did it! (So glad we did!!)

OK...and now. I tag... (And my apologies if you have already been tagged)

Rachel B

Michelle

Lisa

Andrea

Becky Y

Amber H

Jessica Y

Jeremy and I were able to go away for our anniversary this past weekend and it was wonderful!

You know how sometimes when you get away, just the two of you, and you have these really high expectations and then somehow it just doesn't quite work out like you thought and you end up getting disappointed?  Or you get into some stupid little fight about something or he gets on your nerves because he hates to shop and you want to but he is rushing you and then you are grouchy because he is grouchy?

Well, these things and many more have happened to us over the years.

But this year...it was amazing!  I felt so refreshed and connected with my man and happy to be away and all of the good things that you should feel on an anniversary get-a-way. And for that I am very grateful.

A good friend of mine sent me a message before I left for the weekend, saying "I hope that is it so good you can't even talk about it."

Jeremy and I were joking about that...because seriously, is there ever anything that is so good in my life that I CAN'T talk about it?  Talking is what I DO, people. I'm, like, an expert.

But...of all things. Something DID happen this weekend that I am having trouble talking about, and it wasn't probably along the lines of what she or I was thinking she might have meant when she wrote that comment.

Friday night we went out to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings. Jeremy is currently obsessed. Me, not so much. But I love that man, so Buffalo Wild Wings it was.

Saturday we shopped. And shopped.  And I scored some awesome deals at Kohls. And we ate at "Outback Steakhouse."  Yum, yum, yum!

Sunday morning we slept in and then went to the Vineyard Church in Duluth.  We hadn't been there in a number of years and were wanting to go sometime again.  We decided that we could make it to the 11 AM service.

And this is the part of the weekend that I am struggling to find the words to express.

But I want to...because I want to share.  But sometimes when things are really powerful and personal, it is hard to put it into words.  Partially because it is GOD and you know it is and sometimes when God is so powerfully present it is hard to explain. And partially because sometimes I feel like putting an experience out there takes some of the powerfulness of it away.  The sacredness, maybe.

But I will try.

We pulled into the parking lot and since we were a  little bit early, we sat there for a few minutes, watching people go in to the church.

As we were chatting and watching and waiting, Jeremy all of a sudden goes "Check THAT out!!"  I'm all like "What?" and he says "That girl is wearing SHORTS!"  And sure enough...in the city that is ALWAYS cold and windy, it seems, there was a girl going into the Vineyard Church wearing bright blue, short shorts.  On a blustery day that would have most people wearing their North Face jackets, hats, and scarves...there she was.  Unbelievable.  I said something to Jeremy like "Now that is photo worthy!" and I shook my head.  Tsk! Tsk!  Pretty soon we got out of our van and headed into the church.

They always have a praise and worship team that does awesome music, so that part was first.  Then there was some announcements and such.

And then the pastor got up and started preaching and it was SO good.  The sermon was from James 5 and he talked about how we should always invite God into our lives.  Whether we are in trouble, whether we are joyful, whether we are sick or whether we need to confess something.  It was very practical, straight out of Scripture and challenging.

Near the beginning of his sermon he mentioned that they were going to be having baptism that day.  We had no idea when we decided to come that we would get in on a baptismal service.

I loved that way that he talked about the baptism.  How it was a PARTY and how we all were so fortunate to be a part of this!

I saw a few young guys who were either barefoot or wearing a tank top or shorts who I figured were going to be part of the baptism.

The pastor called everyone up front and had them answer some questions about their faith prior to the baptism.

And then they began. There were probably 10 or 12 people who were getting baptized that morning.  The first person climbed up the little set of stairs and then took the few steps back down into the water.

I don't know for sure what all it was, but I was so touched by the whole thing.

There were people gathered ALL around.  There was one person on each side of the person who was getting baptized.  The would spend some time talking with each person before they dipped them under the water.  Most of the people getting baptized were pretty young, and the way they looked up at the adults or the pastor who was baptizing them really struck me.  Just with this trust and faith in their eyes.  And excitement.  Getting baptized is a big deal.  It IS a party!

As I stood there watching I just started to feel tears coming to my eyes.  I'm not much of a crier and I am certainly not much of a public crier, but I couldn't really help myself. The whole experience was so moving.  The way everyone would clap and cheer as another person came up out the water...the kid who wasn't much older than Derrick who got baptized and I couldn't help but think of Derrick and how very happy I would be to one day see him getting baptized...the sense of LOVE and of GOD'S PRESENCE and of community and cheering each other on. It was intense!

The worship team was playing the music and I was watching the baptisms on the video screen.  Standing there just immersed in the moment...tears running down my face. And I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye and there was Jeremy...wiping tears away from his eyes too.

And then this young girl came up to the be baptized.  And I could tell on the screen that she mouthed the words to the lady beside her "I'm SO excited!"  And then I noticed that she was wearing short blue shorts.  And all of a sudden I felt like God just cleared His throat.  "Hmmm... Audrey??  That girl out in the parking lot that you thought was so crazy for wearing shorts in the winter time?  What did you know about her or her situation?  Would you have ever guessed that maybe she was wearing shorts because she was going to be immersed in the water of baptism that morning?"

Its like God just said to me "It's OK. I know you are trying to learn not to judge.  I know it is a hard and long battle.  But just let this be a reminder to you, once again, that you DO NOT know the whole story. Can you just learn to remember that?"  And I just felt His understanding and His comfort and His truth being spoken into my heart.  And I was listening. 

As I stood there watching the baptism's I was just crying and praying and I just prayed "God...this is what I want. I want to be surrendered to you. Fully."  And I just prayed that God would give me a picture of what being surrendered to Him looks like.

And God just gave me a picture (kind of obvious, but very special to me) of how just like those new Christians were being baptized...immersed completely in the water...that is what it looks like to be surrendered to Him. When you are completely under water, there is no part of you that is not touched by the water.  There is no way to get to you except through the water.  The water is around you.  It is under you and above you.  That is how it should be with our surrender to Jesus.  He should be ALL around you.  You can't move without Him.  And people can't get close to you without seeing and touching Jesus and getting some of Him on them, too.

It was powerful!  The whole experience. And it was really special.  God was real and God was present. I felt Him!

And I hope I was able to convey at least some of that to you by writing this down.