This week I have been doing something that I have seldom done before...I have been going back and reading some old Xanga posts of mine.  It has been interesting and also kind of disheartening, but at the same time encouraging.  To see the work that God has done in my heart is encouraging.  To see the things that I struggled with then and am STILL struggling with is kind of disheartening.  I read about things I would never have remembered doing.  I felt shame over some of my actions and I saw through my writing what a hypocrite I was at one time. 

I thank God for His grace and His power and His forgiveness. I thank Him for bringing me to where I am today and for where He will continue to lead me as I surrender to Him. I feel humbled.

I have been thinking about Motherhood quite a bit lately and like everything else, it is an ever changing process and opportunity for growth.  I ran across this blog post I wrote almost exactly 5 years ago.  I was pregnant with Nikki, Derrick was soon to be 5 and Kendall was a little over 2 years old.  This is the list from my old blog post and then I wrote another list today about things that motherhood has been teaching me. 

BLOG POST FROM MAY 1, 2007

Things Motherhood Has Taught Me:

(Or, maybe I should say, Motherhood is TRYING to teach me)

I have just been thinking lately about all that I have learned in the last 5 years, so just before Mother's Day, here is some of the things I have learned/am learning by being a Mom.  Can anyone relate?

...A 1/2 hour seems short when the baby is sleeping (and you are rushing around trying to get stuff done) and  really long when it is crying.

...Don't say "No" unless you really mean it.

...I can feel SO frustrated that I wish I could shake my kid, but let someone else even Say something unkind, and I'm so protective of them.

....I'd much rather be dealing with hurt myself than to see one of my kids hurting.

....Kids are so much fun to watch and listen to. Especially when they are yours.

...Dandelions are much prettier in a grubby little fist than they are in the yard.

...Kids are much smarter than we would think and they know just how to push our buttons.

...Getting woke up during the night is never fun.

...If you don't tell them "No", they'll try it.

...Boys are attracted to dirt like bees are attracted to honey!

....We all need a break sometimes.

...Every child is different...same parents, but very different kids.

...My husband is just as good or better of a "Mom" than I am.

...Newborn clothing that buttons up the back is a pain!

...Baby food is not good, esp. the vegetables.

....Children need lots of love and also give lots of love.

...Pacifiers are worth their weight in gold.

...Children are delighted by little things...we should be more like them.

...Motherhood will eventually teach you selflessness.

...I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world!  Not money, or fame, or good looks!

...Babies feet are just TOO cute.

...I am a blessed woman.

...You don't need nearly as many newborn clothes as you would like to convince yourself that you do.

...My Mom had the patience of a saint!

AND TODAY'S LIST:

Things Motherhood has taught me:

…Girls are capable of a lot more attitude and drama than boys.

…Even when you think you are doing good with letting them have their independence, something happens that is just like a knife to the heart and you find out that letting go is harder than you thought.

…Expect the unexpected.

…In the same way that we as adults grow and change and become different people over the years…so do kids.  Sometimes, you have to just take a step back and look at your child with new eyes and deal with them according to who they have become, not who they were 5 years ago.

…Some of their struggles and issues will truly baffle you, but you need to take their issues seriously, because to them, it is serious.

…It turned out that I DO love being a Mom to older kids much, much better than to babies. (Huge sigh of relief.)

…It is amazing how quickly you forget about the teething/sleepless nights/diapers/fussiness kind of things and how everything fades into a blur.  I also find it hard to engage in discussions about those things at this point in my mothering career.

…It is important to teach your kids about choices.  In every situation…we have a choice. There is generally a good choice and a bad choice.   And YOU have the power to decide which you will do.

…I feel like such a failure as a Mom so often.  I find it hard not to take things personally and not to assume that this or that issue with my children is somehow my fault. As it well may be.

…Jeremy and I are a team.  We support each other in our parenting and that is a huge blessing!

…The most important things you can do for your kids is to accept them for who they are and love them unconditionally.  I worry that I am not doing a good enough job at this.

…Motherhood is about stages.  Just keep that in mind.

…I never have become a patient person. Dang!

…I want to connect with my kids through TALKING, but sometimes that is not their way of connecting. I cannot let myself be hurt by this and I need to remember to engage with them in a way that is meaningful to them.

…It is hard to give each child the time and special attention you want to give them. Especially when they are all clamoring for it at once.

…I need LOTS of help and wisdom from God.  DAILY!

...I am facing a dilemma of a less than serious kind.  I need to exercise today.  I was thinking that I would walk for 20 minutes. I just now realized that this afternoon is Derrick's guitar lesson and it is nice outside. Which means I could do my walking while he is there and the other kids play at the school playground.  I LOVE being able to multi-task like that...making use of "free time" while waiting for him to get done with his lesson.

Alas, I have worn high-heeled sandals that are quite inappropriate for walking. 

Now you must know:  There are other things I hate, besides not using my "free time" wisely.  I hate driving out of the way.  Really hate it.

Cannot necessarily explain it rationally, except that it goes against my "efficiency and organization" OCD-ness.  So, do I drive out of my way to go home and  pick up a pair of flip flops, do I skip the walking and do it later, thus not making good use of my free time, or do I stop at Wal-Greens and buy a cheap pair of flip-flops (thus bringing my current count of Flip Flop pairs to 15) so I can walk during guitar lessons?

This is the level of problems I am dealing with today.

...I am thinking about the left over meatballs that the boys and Jeremy had for supper last night.  I think I discovered them on Pinterest.  They are super easy-peasy and also super good. I used to slave over my home-made BBQ meatballs (which are awesome, if I do say so myself) but since I found this recipe, I have been opting to make these instead. The boys actually like them better than my homemade ones and Jeremy likes them too. So, in the interest of helping out all my fellow dinner preparers...here it is:

Mix first two things together in a bowl.

Put meatballs in crock pot.  Pour sauce out of bowl and over top of meatballs.

Set crock pot on low for 3 - 4 hours. 

That's it.  Seriously. How much easier could it be? And, like I said, they are super yummy!

Oh, and PS. The reason that only Jeremy and the boys had the meatballs is because Nikki and I went on a date. Which involved Subway and watching "The 3 Stooges" at the theater.

...I took my children out for a special breakfast at McDonald's today. We have never before done this on a school morning. It required a bit of planning ahead, going to bed early the night before and getting up early (6:15 AM) and after getting ready, heading up to town.  I had promised the kids that we would do this sometime this spring, after Nikki randomly suggested it one morning a few weeks ago.  Today was the day!

They wanted eggs and bacon (sausage for Nikki) and pancakes, so we ordered our own version of "The Big Breakfast."  We sat in the booth at McDonald's and I watched them eat their yummy food and drink their drinks of choice. Orange juice for Nikki, chocolate milk for Kendall and Sprite for Derrick.

I watched and did NOT eat because I am going for round #2 of the Flat Belly Diet and I am in the 4 day jump start part of the diet, which is where you may only chew on celery and eat plain rice.  OK...its not quite that bad, but almost.  But, no fear, I was quite satisfied because I had already eaten my cup of cornflakes with skim milk and eaten my 1/2 a cup of blueberries. Ha, ha!  This time, my sister Debbie and I are keeping each other accountable with our diets and I am hoping it goes better than last round, wherein part way through the 4 weeks I got SUCH a craving for sweets that I went and bought a whole cake at our local grocery store's bakery.  And then ate a lot of it. With ice cream.

...I just broke one of my most favorite dangly necklaces when I bent over to get a manilla folder and it caught on my chair on the way back up.  I think I may have sworn. Maybe just said "Crap", I'm not sure.  It may not have helped that this particular necklace had already been broken by Nikki at another time and I now have it duct taped together. Yes, you heard me. Duct taped.  But...the duct tape is hidden under my hair and plus, the necklace is kind of "duct tape colored" anyway. Although I am not certain that is how Maurice's would have advertised it!  I am hoping that Jeremy has a magic potion with which he can fix it. 

...At McDonald's, I ran into an old boss/used to go to church with him/our families have been friends since my childhood guy. He told me that he sometimes reads my blog.  Which prompted me to say that I am always kind of taken off guard or surprised by who reads my blog and that I know that when I have a public blog, anyone can read it, but when someone I don't expect tells me they sometimes read it, I kind of internally freak out for an instant. Until I realize that it is what it is, and I am being myself on my blog and if they don't like what they see there, then they probably don't like me either, and that is OK. And if they do like it, then great! 

We got to talking about books and he recommended two of them to me.  One I had already read but the other was "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller.  I know you all know I love books and I love to read, but do you know that often when someone recommends a book to me and I look it up and think I would like it for myself, I buy it right on the spot. Usually from Amazon. And usually for $4 - $8, with shipping.

I like to own books. And even though it may be a while till I get a chance to read this book, I think it looks really good and I want to have it in my library.  The girls from book club kind of laugh at me, because, while they all get their books each month from the library, I buy mine about 90% of the time. 

Just last week as well, I ordered a book that another friend recommended. I haven't even received that one yet. To me, books are a great investment.  And I don't like to borrow them from other people. I like to have them. But, I do not mind at all when others borrow books from me. 

...I snapped a couple of pictures of our beach towels, hung out on the porch, with SNOW on them.  I was maybe going to do a whole post based on this but I don't know if I can.  Its just that on Saturday it was 70 degrees and sunny and the kids were actually playing in the foot or so of water in the bottom of our pool. They had the beach towels out and I hung them on the side porch to dry out.  And then Monday morning it started to snow.

And now there are beach towels on the railings...covered with snow.  It just kind of reminded me of how life is sometimes.  A picture of how things can change so quickly and how sometimes what we expect just gets blown out of the water.  Anyway...you can draw your own further analogies.

...I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed the input and comments on my post yesterday.  I love that feedback. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I have such wise friends and you all gave me more to think about!  And thanks to those of you who have written me or told me in person, lately, that you appreciate my blog.  That means a lot to me.  I love to write and I am glad for those who are willing to read what I write.  You've got the tough part of the job!

...I am feeling happy and spring-y and the sun is shining outside.  Hopefully, I can spread that cheer to those around me!  It is a good day! 

Yesterday morning I was reading in Acts 2.  I got to the part where, after Pentecost had come and the Holy Spirit had fallen upon the disciples and followers of Jesus, people starting talking in tongues.  There was a large crowd of people gathered there and everyone was able to understand in their own language. Amazing!

Then it says that some of the crowd made fun of the disciples and said that they were just "drunk with sweet wine."  And in my Bible (amplified version) it had to word "intoxicating" in between sweet and wine.

This got me thinking...does this mean that there was wine in Bible times that was NOT intoxicating? I found the fact that it mentioned whether it was intoxicating or not to be really intrigueing.

I had recently read John Eldredge's book called "Beautiful Outlaw" and he goes into some depth talking about the miracle of the "turning water in wine" that Jesus performed in Cana. He talked about the extravagance of this miracle.  Jesus made equivalent to about 908 bottles of wine for that marriage feast, which had already been going on for quite some time. 

Was Jesus party to making people at the feast drunk?  Why would he make more wine when they had already been drinking a lot? And this wine that he made was even BETTER than the other wine.

I set out on a little quest to research some Greek words and see what I could find about whether wine in Bible times as always intoxicating or if some of it was "virgin."  Nowadays, at least as far as I know, all wine is intoxicating (if too much is drank) and so that was the context in which I always read about wine in the Bible as well.

I hopped on to Google and looked up "Was the wine at Cana intoxicating?" and I got links to a bunch of websites.

I started doing some reading.

And what I found was this:  The Greek word used in that instance could be used for EITHER kind of wine...intoxicating (fermented) or not.  It doesn't tell you anything.

I found people who believed very strongly that, of course, the wine was NOT fermented. 

Other people had a list of arguments that was the opposite and "proved" that it was, or at least easily could have been, intoxicating wine.

This didn't solve anything for me in regards to my current question, but it did bring up something in my mind that has been rattling around a lot lately:

How can 2 different people, both full of God's spirit (from all appearances and fruit), disagree so strongly on certain issues?

One person would say it is a SIN to drink alcohol.  Another would have no problem with it.

How can these two people be listening to the same Jesus?

I was feeling quite confused and frustrated with this whole subject about a year or so ago.

I wanted to figure out what was "right" in every situation and then go with that.

When you read people's thoughts and commentaries about something like that wine at Cana, you find that people feel quite strongly and will use very commanding and non-arguable type of language in regards to their particular opinion on the subject.

There is something within us as humans that wants to figure out exactly what is correct and what is truth and then we have a hard time respecting or believing others who come out at a different place on that subject.

We have so often fallen into the trap of getting some worth from being Right!  We were NEVER meant to get our worth from anything but God and whenever we try to feel better about ourselves from being right...bad things happen.

We judge others based on their opinions or interpretations of certain things...assuming, arrogantly, that we are, of course, correct. That, by default, makes them incorrect.  Less informed. Less enlighted. Which makes us feel good about ourselves.  Hey, we've got something they don't have.

Those poor schmucks who think you can't have a drop of alcohol.  Wow!  What's up with them?

Or, conversely...Those poor, blinded people who think that drinking is OK. I am sure if they continued to study the Scriptures, they would come to The Light.

We sit on our little perches of self righteousness and look down on those poor people still wandering around in obvious darkness.

Hey, I'm all for absolutes and truth. I am not one of those people who go with the ever popular phrase of our day "Well, as long as you believe something..."

Its just that I think that the things that are non-negotiable in the Scriptures are a much shorter list than most of us want to believe or admit.

We divide churches and split up families and have attitudes of hatred and dissension over things that God probably doesn't give a rip about.

All the while, we are missing out on the weightier matters.  It makes me sad to think about.

I find it VERY interesting that the writers of Scripture don't just clear this up when they are writing the account of the marriage feast at Cana.  Couldn't they have just slipped an extra word in there and written that the wine was either fermented or not fermented?  The Bible is the inspired Word of God, so certainly we are not saying that God made an omission or missed a detail.

Why does God leave these things up to us to try to figure out?  Well, maybe that is the whole problem. They aren't really for us to "figure out."  It is totally not the point of the story. 

Sometimes I think that God must look down at us trying to figure out all of these details and just kind of shake His head in disappointment.  Like, I can imagine Him thinking "Just keep the main thing the main thing, people!"

I think sometimes God puts that ambiguity in the Bible because He leads each of us individually and we are all to obey Him and our own conscience.

So it may be wrong for a certain person to drink alcohol. Maybe God showed them that because He knew they would have a propensity towards drunkeness, or maybe He knew that the people He would have them minister to would be offended by their drinking?

And maybe someone else has that freedom because God knew that people they would be associating with and witnessing to would be much more open to someone who was willing to sit down and drink a beer with them.  It might open some doors and some hearts and have a hand in building relationships that otherwise might never get off the ground.

I know this...as I was struggling through this whole subject of "How can I be serving the same God as this other person and yet we so disagree on this certain issue??", I just felt like God kept gently reminding me.

"Audrey, you worry about your own self.  You don't NEED to figure out where someone else is in their journey. You are on your own journey. You focus on ME and your relationship with me and you let me work in that other person's heart. It is really no business of yours."

I came to this place of really just feeling this peace and this rest about the whole issue of how God leads differently in others lives than in my own. Now, when I hear of someone who comes out at a different place than I do on a certain subject, I just think "That's OK. That is their journey. I need to keep my focus on God and my relationship with Him and show love, not judgment."

Not that I get that right 100% of the time, but God has really shown me what my role is in this whole story. And it is NOT to figure out what is "right" for everyone else and then go about convincing them.  It rarely works anyway.

This post is not so much about the issue of whether or not it is ok to drink alcohol, but more about the bigger subject that disagreements on things like this bring up. 

I fear being misunderstood in this post and I fear judgment from others because of what I wrote. I even fear someone labeling me as a heretic or saying that I am writing something that is not true.

I want to be open and I want to learn and grow and ask God for his guidance.  But I also know that I truly believe what I just wrote.

And I guess if it makes you think...then that's a win for me and for God too.

I know that I have written some more serious blog posts in the last while.

And I do have a lot of serious thoughts and what some might even consider "deep" thoughts...although that is a very subjective term, in my opinion.

I love to write about that sort of thing and about what God is doing in my heart and about what is going on in my mind.

But when too many people mention how they really appreciate what I write or they comment on the way I inspired them, etc., I feel something within me start to worry that I cannot live up to their high expectations.

I so appreciate that feedback and input and those encouraging comments. Don't get me wrong.

I just don't want to feel boxed in as a writer or a blogger. Yes, I can be serious.  But then I get tired of being all serious and sometimes I just want to write about something shallow. 

I can only be deep and kind of heavy for so long and then I need to break out of that.  I think I fear being labeled or that if I write too many "inspiring" type of posts, then people will be disappointed at my shallowness later on, which is inevitably coming, sooner or later. I'm no Ann Voskamp. Let me tell you.

I don't know if this makes sense to anybody else, but this is me, writing about something shallow.  Lowering your expectations so that you are pleasantly surprised when something inspiring does happen to come from me.

Ok?

So...the first word of the day that randomly appeared on "random word generator" was "instrumental."

But honestly, that sounded too serious to me.  I could write about people who were instrumental in my life, I could write about defining moments or how God uses certain circumstances in an instrumental way, but I was SO not in that mode. I was looking for shallow.

And then "anorak" came along next and rescued me.

Thank you...Anorak.  (Gentle applause, please!)

Seriously, I am surprised this word is not a boys' name. It totally sounds like something a celebrity would name their kid.

Now that I think about it, I feel like it could be for either a boy or a girl.  So, you brave souls, go for it!

I will admit, I had to google "meaning of anorak" because I am not certain I had ever heard of the word before.

It means a "light jacket or windbreaker."  Or, as they say in England (cue the British accent)...a "wind cheater." I find that to be very funny, for some reason.

Cheating the wind.  I kind of doubt it.  Deflecting it, maybe.  Cheating it?  Um...no matter if you are wearing your "wind cheater" or not, I am pretty certain the wind is going to keep on blowing and is not going to feel the least bit cheated.  But maybe that's just me.

I thought I would show you the jacket that I am wearing today. Because I kind of love it. Even though it is bright pink.  Or, for me, maybe BECAUSE it is bright pink.  I am not sure that it actually fits the technical definition of the true anorak, but I think it is close enough.  If it was made out that vinyl, slippery sort of material, I would feel like it totally fit the bill.  Instead, it is a sort of denim kind of material.

This is what I am wearing to work today.  Along with white pants, which hopefully will stay white for the entire day, and these shoes...

Yes, they are bright pink high heels. And when I bought them at my friend Morgan's store the only comment she made as I was checking out was that they "looked like me."  Which is code for:  Goodness, I would never wear those.

But I'm Ok with that.  Because they are "me" and I am very much cheered up today by my bright pink high heels.

And for all of you OCD people out there, my shoes and my (so called) anorak are NOT a shade off, as they appear in these pictures.

In fact, I feel like they are perfectly coordinating.  But unless you stop it to see me at the pellet mill, I guess you'll never know!

So...Cheers!

Happy (shallow) Thursday to you!

Benediction:  "May your day be full of bright colors and may you keep your face towards the sun and may you cheat the wind."  (Yeah, let me know how THAT works out for you!)

Last Monday morning I dropped Nikki and Kendall off at my parents house while I went to work for the morning.

Nikki usually stays there on Monday morning, but this particular Monday Kendall had a stomach flu, so he stayed with Grandma as well.  (How thankful I am for a Mom who is willing to babysit sick kids, because if you are a working Mom, you know how hard it can be to figure something out when a kid is not feeling well!)

In the short conversation that I had with my parents while dropping the kids off, my Dad said something that I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about.

He said this quote to me, which he had heard from someone else recently:

"Nothing can harm you but your own thoughts."

At first I think if you would have seen inside of my mind it would have looked the way a dog looks when he is wondering what you are up to.  Head cocked to one side...a quizzical expression on his face.  That is how I felt.

Really?

Nothing can harm you but your own thoughts?

What if someone beat you up?  Or raped you? Or stole from you?

Wouldn't that be harming you?

But over the days I came to realize that, yes, that would be bodily harm, but if you choose to think about those things in a healthy way, they really wouldn't be able to harm you long term or keep you down or depressed or discouraged.

I know it makes it sound too simple.  I get that.  But wow!  How many times, just in the past week, when my thoughts were going down a wrong path, did I remind myself of this quote and make a conscious choice to turn my thoughts elsewhere? Before they could do any more harm.

And then...I ran into a friend at the gas station and we had the best gas station chit-chat that I think I have ever had. We stood there by the pumps, she with a gallon of milk in her hand and kids waiting in the car, and me putting gas into my van...and we went deep. We talked about heart stuff.  In 10 minutes time we had covered many subjects and thoughts and ideas and I felt encouraged and uplifted and enlightened. 

She is a person of such wisdom and I so enjoyed hearing her perspective.  I loved that just that 10 minute chat at the gas station spoke to my heart and gave me so much to think about. 

When, in the course of our conversation, I shared that quote with her she shared one kind of similar that she had heard.

It said something like "Your circumstances cannot harm you. Only the way you think about your circumstances can cause you harm."

And, she went on to share about how a little while ago she just had one of those epiphanies that we all have from time to time.

Something so simple, yet so profound when you really grasp it.

She said that she noticed how there are happy people at every age and stage of their lives.  Whether teenager or young Mother or middle-aged or elderly.

There are also people from every age and stage of life who are unhappy and depressed.

And what do they have in common?  All of those happy people?

It is not financial status or people who surround them or even that their life has gone so well for them.

It is, she said, about what they CHOOSE to focus on.

I believe that to be true and to be profound.

So...think about it.

Do you agree that "nothing can harm you but your own thoughts?"

Give it some time to sink in and marinate in your brain.  I think you will find it is closer to the truth than you may have originally thought.

At least, that is what is happening in my heart and mind.

I will leave you with one last quote:

"We are shaped by our thoughts. We become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

I had an unexpected day at home yesterday...thanks to the pink eye virus that my Nikki caught.

Pink eye is not nearly as pretty as pink hair.  Just FYI. 

I figured I should take the opportunity to work on cleaning out my (mess of a) closet and some drawers that have gotten so full I can barely close them.

Jeremy told me that I NEEDED to get my shoes/boots/sandals mess under control because it was taking over our closet.  It was true! They were like a stampeding herd that just kept inching towards the door and hogging more and more of our floor space.

I wrangled the herd back under control and now they are all nicely lined up. It makes me feel happy when I look at them.  I did some counting. (Did I mention that I kinda sorta have a shoe/boot addiction?)  I have 14 pairs of flip flops, just under 20 pairs of strappy type of sandals, 8 pairs of high heeled pumps, 3 pairs of flats, probably about 12 -15 pairs of boots, and 3 pairs of tennis shoes.  (I may have missed some.)  The bad news...I only could bring myself to get rid of about 5 pairs out of my entire collection, and the count was taken AFTER I had gotten rid of those pairs.  I fear I have hoarder tendencies.  Help!!

I moved on to my underwear drawer, my pj/swimsuit drawer, my cami drawer (I didn't count, but I must have a good 20 - 25 camis and tank tops...never want to be without a certain color when you might want it, right?) and my skirt drawers. One for short skirts and one for long skirts.

Anyway, in my "cami drawer" I also happen to have a few random coupons and pieces of paper, etc.  A $20 off coupon to The Melting Pot (for whenever we might go again), some little coupons from the kids for work they offered to do for me, an expired restaurant coupon that I am hoping I didn't pay more than $2 for, a video that we borrowed from friends and never watched nor returned (shame on us, its probably been 2 years), an old Kohl's coupon, etc. 

But amongst those papers, I found "the list".  I almost threw it away because it doesn't really apply anymore, but then something made me fold it back up and put it back in my drawer.  Mostly because I feel like I don't want to forget what it represents to me.

It is a typed up (alphabetically, of course, how else would you type up a list? ) list of friends that I had.  It was probably done about 4 or 5 years ago.

Pardon me if I have blogged about this before, but I have been thinking about this subject a LOT lately.

About friends.

And how super special my friends are to me.  About how much I value each and every one of them and the part that they play in my life.

But, rewind about 5 years and I was feeling very friendless.

I specifically remember driving home from town one day and thinking "Wow! I just have hardly any friends!" and feeling quite sorry for poor little me.

(Now, I have had friends through the years, but at this particular time of my life it just felt like I was missing a lot of that close friend connection and a lot of my good friends lived far away as well, which made it harder.)

I remember quite clearly that I just felt like God was saying to me "So...what will you do about it?  Remember that verse that says someone who has friends must show herself friendly?  Get off your butt, girl, and quit feeling sorry for yourself!"  (Paraphrased a bit)

I had the idea (dorky as it may be) to write down a  list of the friends I DID have and to make a conscious effort to connect with those friends.

I made a list of "nearby" friends and a list of "far away" friends and I decided that every week I would try to get together with 1 nearby friend and would send a card to one far away friend.

I think there were about 30 people on the list.

I embarked on the journey. I contacted the first person on the list and asked if they wanted to come over for a few hours. I mailed out a card.

The next week, I got together with another friend for lunch and mailed out another card.

I loved connecting and re-connecting with these people who were already in my life.  I felt hopeful and less sorry for myself.

I kept doing that for a number of weeks. I know I never did get the whole way through the list because something happened in my life (summer, maybe, and kids off school) and then I just never quite picked it back up.

But something changed inside of me. 

You could look at this and say it was selfish of me and that I was using friendships to feel better about myself, but don't we all, to a certain extent?

Connection with others feeds a need that is deep inside of us (some more than others) and there is something about giving AND taking in relationships that grows and stretches us and hopefully makes us better, more well-rounded people.

Fast forward 5 years and I am facing a different problem.  I have so many friends that I hardly know how to keep up.  I feel like I cannot spend the time (whether in person, or on the phone) that I want to with each of my friends.

I was talking to someone about how hard it is for me, at times, to keep up with my phone friends. We schedule calls ahead of time (normally) because of how busy life can be at this stage.  But still, talking on the phone can be hard to do when you have kids. They seem to always want things right then and since you can't really focus on what they want, you just hand them random stuff.

You want three cookies? Ok. Here you go.  You want to watch more TV?  No prob.  A can of pop?  Have at it. You want to play outside without a coat or shoes?  Sure, you have my permission.  Just go!

The person I was talking to about this (I won't call you out here ) suggested that I just let go of some of my out-of-the-area friendships. 

To me, that is not even an option.  I could list to you at least 10 people who I talk to on a regular or somewhat regular basis who do not live close to me geographically.  But just because we are not close in distance does not mean they are not very valuable to me and very close to my heart.  I think about these friends a lot. I pray for them. I wonder how they are.  And we talk on the phone or text as we can. 

Maybe I need to learn to keep my conversations shorter (anyone who talks to me on the phone knows that this is a problem for me, because once I get on the phone...there is just always so much to say and to hear) but the idea of giving up on friendships that are sometimes hard for me to keep up with...NO WAY!

I realize that every friendship has its own rhythm and that friendships do come and go over the years. But I don't take my friendships lightly and I know that when you find a kindred spirit or someone you really connect with (especially as an adult) you should not let that go easily.  Plus, each person represents something very special to me. In every friendship we have certain things that we talk about and connect about and each friendship has its own special value to me.

And then, I have my friends around here, which I am SO thankful for.  There is my core group of friends who I get to spend time with every week and that I thank God so much for bringing into my life...(Love you girls) and then there are the local friends that I don't see as often, but we get together for drinks & dinner as we can. Or we go to each other's houses.  Again, I value these friendships and each one provides a unique perspective and input into my life. 

Plus, there is my book club group and my sisters, who I try to get together with from time to time.    There are also the friends who I don't see very often and don't talk to in between much, but when we do see each other, we pick up right where we left off.  Those friends are so important to me too!

And last but certainly not least, I have many friends that I have made over the internet that I communicate with mostly by Facebook or blogging.  These are friends that have had a huge impact in my life, each in their own special way. Some I have met in real life (yay!) and some I have not. Some I hope to still meet one day.  But the impact of all of those friendships remains and is something that I really value as well.

But how to balance it all?  That is what I have been thinking about.  I never want to be a person who says "I have enough of friends. I'm not really looking for more!" because what if people had said that when I was the one who was looking for friends?

I know that some people you just don't connect with and that is totally cool.  But I always want to be open to new friendships. Not to force them, but to allow them to happen naturally and in their own way. And when that does happen, I want to be open to that and to engage in those relationships.

I feel like God blessed that effort 5 years ago to reach out and put energy into friendships and He blessed it in a much bigger way than I could have imagined.  Truly. But isn't that how God is?  Just extravagant and blessing us beyond our wildest dreams when we take a step of faith and obedience.  I feel so very grateful and I don't want to ever forget where I was at that point in my life and how blessed I am now in real and close relationships.

I think that is why I kept that list.  Because I don't want to forget how it feels to be lonely and I don't want to take my friendships for granted. Ever.

So...

How do you balance friends and family (kids and husband)  and responsibilities and work?  How often do you go out with friends? How often do you talk to long distance friends on the phone?  Can you have too many friends? Does it ever stress you out or do you feel like you are failing certain friends because you can't connect with them as often as you would like?  Do you sometimes have to say "No" to getting together with friends?  What do you find works to stay connected with friends?

Do tell. 

...that Susan and her husband are having marriage trouble?

...that Cheryl and Larry's daughter has gotten in with the wrong crowd and is doing drugs?

...that Darla told Carol that she was mad at Mary and now everyone is all up in arms over what Mary did?

The list of possible scenarios could go on and on. Opportunities to gossip and spread stories about others are as endless as the day is long and as plentiful as mosquitoes in summertime.

We all struggle with keeping on tongue in check. The Bible even says that the tongue is the hardest part of our body to control.

For someone who talks as much as I do, there are many opportunities for saying the wrong thing.

I grew up in a very frank and open kind of home where we talked about anything and everything. That also included talking about people and many times our conversations crossed the line into being gossippy and critical of others.  I know that it was all "in the family" but I think that pattern, combined with the people I was around and my own human nature, turned me into quite the gossipper by the time I was in my teens and twenties.  Funny thing was, no one ever seemed to feel like there was much wrong with it.  We talked a lot about things like outward appearance and keeping the rules of the church, but talking bad about others...not such a big deal.  Not to mention that it is talked about quite repeatedly in the Bible and that the verses about loving others would also cover a lot of the gossip issues that we face.

I remember when God first started really convicting me about the issue of gossipping and started working with me to change my patterns and my habits. I was maybe 23 or 24 years old.

I was the person who, when I heard something bad about someone, would think "Who can I tell about this?"  I loved having the inside scoop and being able to surprise people with the shocking (generally bad) news about someone else.

It is horrible to admit.  Even more horrible that I barely saw it as wrong for a number of years. Yes, maybe I felt slightly guilty or ugly when I talked about someone else, but I sort of had the attitude of "Well, if they didn't want people talking about them, they shouldn't have done it.  After all, what I am saying IS true. I am not making it up."

When I was 27 years old, God used a series of events and bad choices that I made to really, really teach me a lesson about gossip.

If you have ever been on the other side of the gossip...the side where everyone is talking about YOU...then you know how ugly and hurtful it feels. Even if the things that they are saying are the truth. Even if you deserve the remarks and the criticism, it feels really, really awful.

And it is amazing how much people LIKE to talk about you, when you've really messed up.  God also used that experience to show me some more ugliness in my own heart.  The ugliness of pride and the "I would NEVER do that" kind of attitude that makes people feel like it is OK to talk about someone else.  The ground is level at the foot of the cross, but I learned through my experiences that a lot of Christians don't believe that to be true. Apparently, some need less grace and less of Jesus' blood and less forgiveness because they have never done anything really bad. (tongue in cheek)

To this day, if I am in a group of people and someone brings up a mutual friend or acquaintance and starts talking about "Did you hear this or that?" I feel incredibly uncomfortable and I feel such a feeling of empathy and sadness for the person who is being talked about. It just makes me want to be extra nice and friendly to them when I see them the next time, because I don't care what they have done, they have value as a person and no one deserves to be talked about like that or to be fodder for someone's gossip mill.

I was just thinking about this subject again recently because I spent a couple of days with my friend Cynthia.  She lived in our little town for a number of years and I met her in the fall of 2006.  She now lives in a larger city a few hours away and she brought her kids to spend the weekend with my family and I.  I felt honored to have her in my home and happy to get to hang out with her for a few days.

I had told Cynthia this before, but we talked about it again this weekend...the way that she inspires me in the area of gossipping.

I told her that when I met her in 2006, I think she was the first person I had ever encountered who would not gossip!!  Even if you tried to kind of give her a leading question, such as "So what did YOU think of how so and so handled that situation?", she would not bite.  I remember feeling convicted and also a bit baffled by the fact that she seemed to navigate through life and situations with no time spent gossipping.  How does one even do that? (I remember when I first started to walk away from the gossipping kind of conversation, I actually felt kind of at loose ends about what to talk about. If I can't discuss people, then what DO I talk about?  I remember it feeling really awkward for a while, but I eventually worked through that and found many other things to discuss.)

It is not that she isn't honest.  She will talk about hard things in her life or difficulties in a relationship, but you never get the feeling that she is running someone down or talking badly about them for the sake of effect. It is more about her sharing how it effects her and how she is dealing with it.

I once heard this definition of gossiping, and while it is so narrow that it is bound to hit everyone right between the eyes, the more I have thought about it, the more I think it is true.

"Gossipping is when you have a conversation about someone, and when you leave that conversation, the other person thinks worse of the individual you were talking about than they did before."   In other words, you shed some sort of negative light on that person.

I understand that there are times for sharing struggles with a close friend and getting someone's perspective on it, etc.  But I think those should be the exception, not the rule. And before you do even that, you should think long and hard about whether that is necessary.

God knows and God cares. Why not talk to Him about it?

I think So many times our motives are just not pure.  Myself included.

In fact, there has been a time quite recently where God really showed me that I have a long ways to go in this area yet.  I was in a situation that seemed to really "bring out the worst in me" in regards to this, and afterwards I just felt so yucky about it.  Why had I fallen into that trap of the devil? 

Here is another thing to consider, which I am sure most of you have heard:

"If someone gossips TO you, they will gossip ABOUT you!"

Over the years, I have found this to be extremely true.

It has even often times kept me from gossipping to a close friend because I want my friends to know that they can trust me with their own issues and secrets and thoughts.

You may not think that saying is true, and I am sure there are a few expections, but check yourself.  Do you want others to trust you? Do you want them to know that you are a loyal friend? Do you want them to feel free to share with you, even if they have messed up?  Then stop talking to them about other people.

We aren't stupid, right? 

There is a feeling of grace that comes through from a person who is not into gossipping.  And it is very refreshing.

Like I said, God has been working on me in this subject for almost 10 years now and I still have SO far to go. Sometimes I can get too overly sensitive to where I can't even share a perspective or an opinion about something without feeling as though I shouldn't have.  But I think God is faithful to reveal our true heart and our motives to us in these situations if we sincerely ask him.

As a fellow traveler on this journey, I encourage you to think about this subject.  How can you encourage someone with your words instead of tearing them down?  How can you show grace?  Can you pass up that opportunity to tell your friend that juicy bit of news you heard?  Could you consider how it might feel to be on the other end of the gossip? 

I want to be like my friend Cynthia in this area and have someone say of me "Wow!  That Audrey...you can't get her to gossip if you try!!"

Today I just feel tired.  And weary.

I drag myself out of bed, get everybody breakfast and off to school we go.

I get all of the kids dropped off at their respective schools and I call Jeremy to chat while I drive the remaining 5 minutes to my job. That is my morning routine on the days I work.

He can hear it in my voice almost as soon as he picks up the phone. And I am too weary to even try forced cheerfulness. Sometimes I do that just so I don't get the questions that I don't want to answer.

He says "You sound tired" and I don't even try to argue. I just say "I am" and swallow the lump in my throat. Sympathy always makes me choke up when I am feeling down and I don't want to cry right before I walk into work. 

He changes the subject.

We chat a little bit about the weather (sunny...high of 52 degrees) and then he asks again "Are you OK?"

I'm really not, but I say "Yes" anyway, because I have no idea what is wrong.  I say "I'm just tired. Its been a busy week" and try to keep from crying.  He says "Are you sure that's all?" and I say "Yeah." 

And maybe that's all it is.

Maybe I'm hormonal.  That seems likely.

Maybe it is something deeper that I am fighting but I don't have enough clarity to even know what that might be.

Sometimes a Mom just gets weary.  Tired of the silly little battles and the endless chores and the run here, do this, "Hey, honey, could you do this for me?" and "Mom, I need your help with this" type of stuff. 

I remember the quote from an article that I read a while back where the writer likened our daily struggles to "death by a thousand paper cuts" and I know what she means.

I worry that all things are not well in my world and that my weary days are just showing what is really happening and the cheery days are me trying to cover up what is really bothering me.  But I'm not even sure what it is. It all seems so vague and abstract.

Life can be hard.

I am reminded of conversations that I have just this week.

The friend who works full-time, has 3 kids who are in sports, a husband and a house to take care of and who is feeling completely overwhelmed right now.

She said "I know I have SO much to be thankful for and I shouldn't even complain about anything."

I told her that just because it "could be worse" and others have struggled more does not invalidate your current struggles. 

Otherwise, as people who are priviledged to live in the United States and have things much better than most of the world, we would never be allowed to feel sad or upset or to complain about anything. Because it could be worse.

Yes, I think it is great to have an attitude of thankfulness towards God and realize what you are blessed with and keep that perspective, but that doesn't mean that life is not stressful and that you don't have tough days sometimes.

And its OK to admit that and work through it.

I was with another friend this week who is walking through a tough time with her daughter and my heart goes out to her.  She's a Mom like me, with a Mother's heart for her daughter, and when she sees her daughter struggling, it hurts her own heart.

She wonders where she might have gone wrong and if she is handling everything correctly now?

Big questions without definite answers.  The sort of things that keeps us Mothers awake at night.

And just because there is another family who recently lost a teenager daughter in an accident does not mean that my friend shouldn't feel her own grief about the issues with her daughter.

Someone else's pain does not negate our own struggle.

I have a dear friend who just lost a baby to a miscarriage and I can't get her off my mind.  I have never experienced this, but it seems like SUCH a difficult thing to walk through.  My heart aches for her.

And yet, with all of my blessings, today I feel crappy.

I feel sad.  I feel on the verge of tears and I am not even sure why.

But God...

Yeah, but God...

God who is rich in mercy.  God who loves me and cares about me and my crappy, hormonal day.

God who has me on this journey of growth and learning and God who walks beside me...God reminded me ever so gently of what His truth is.

Truth is always present. It is just our choice whether we believe it or not.

I am doing this "Joy Dare" challenge with some friends and the assignment for today was to write down three of God's promises.

I could think of one that is meaningful to me right off hand.

The verse that says "I will never leave you nor forsake you" so I wrote that one down.

And then, because my mind was blank and my energy level low, I googled "Promises of God."

Guess what verses showed up on the page that came up and just hit me right between my weary eyes.

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless."  Isaiah 40:29a

AND

I glance at the clock on the dash as I drive the kids to school.

7:48 AM and I already feel like it has been a long day.

Mostly because of my precious little spit-fire of a 4 year old.

She woke up this morning crying, which is quite unusual. She said she had a bad dream about me being out on the deck of the pool with her and her Daddy was there too and he said she couldn't swim.

I suppose that could be heart breaking?? If you really, really wanted to swim.

Before she even set about getting dressed (no dearie, you may not wear a sleeveless shirt by itself when it is freezing cold and windy outside, and yes, fine, you can wear that same leggings that you wore to bed last night, along with the skirt that you already wore yesterday afternoon because I don't feel like fighting that battle...) we had a conversation about going to McDonald's for breakfast.  She wanted to go and wondered why we couldn't.  When I explained that we didn't have time, she said why couldn't her and I just go without the boys?  Um...maybe because that would be completely impossible and unrealistic. McDonald's is a 1/2 hour drive one way and we need to be leaving for school in a 1/2 hour.

Finally, in exasperation, she says to me "Well, Mom!! Maybe YOU'RE just not thinking about this right!"

We have breakfast (after much indecision, she decides that she wants a pancake. With ice cream.  With no syrup, just butter. Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I won't have butter and I will have syrup)  and then I am getting the dishwasher emptied and lunches packed and getting my breakfast eaten, etc.

Finally, it is time to be out the door.

My hands are full with my lunch, my water bottle, some bars I was taking for the guys at work, and my purse.

The kids had all been sitting on the couch for probably 5 minutes, looking at books, and I assumed that everyone was ready to walk out, as they usually are.

I say "Time to go, kiddos" and I head for the door, only to find out that my dear daughter is wearing neither coat nor shoes. Yet. 

I stand there, balancing the stuff I am holding, and wait for her to get her shoes on. That goes fairly well.

And then the drama begins.  She is wearing a sweater/sweatshirt over her sleeveless summer top and does NOT want to put her coat on over her sweatshirt.  I think that we #1) don't have the time to take off sweatshirt and put coat on   #2) it is very cold outside, so  two layers would be good and #3) no need to carry the sweatshirt when she can just slip her coat on over it.

Well, apparently, this does NOT sit well with her highness.  First, she refuses to put her coat on, saying that the hood of her sweatshirt feels funny when she puts her coat on.

I say "Just put your coat on! You can take it off once you get to school. Hurry! We've got to get going."

I set down my stuff to help her with her coat, but she is pretty much throwing a royal fit.

This is where I pretty much get tunnel vision and it is a battle of the wills. I have asked her to do something. She is refusing.

It is super important? Maybe not. Except that now it is an obedience issue and no way am I going to take back my request of her.

Whose to say who is right? The point is...I am her Mother and she needs to learn to obey authority.

When situations get like this, I can not think of a single alternative, even though there may be one.  I kind of shut down because I am trying SO hard not to do something wrong that I can't think what would be the right thing to do.

I feel angry. I feel frustrated.  But I don't want to take it out on her.

So I get quiet.

Here is a list of things I didn't do that would seem pretty tempting:

-- Grab her roughly and MAKE her put that coat on.

--Speak to her in a super annoyed and irritated voice.

--Shame her into obeying. If that was even possible. Such as "You are OLD ENOUGH to not act like this."

--Let her just have it her way.

But, I was thinking on the drive to town, during which I was mostly silent, about WHY situations like this make me so mad.  I think it is just because I want things to go my way. I want things to be easy and smooth. I do not want to have to fight these silly battles and it just makes me frustrated and angry.

I used to get a lot more verbal and visibly irritated.

Now, I try very, very, very hard to not lose it.

But in doing so, I just clam up.  I walked out the vehicle ahead of Nikki, who was crying because her "back pack was too heavy" (not true) and because the wind was blowing her hair in her face and she couldn't see. (It was just one of those mornings where NOTHING in her world was going to go right!)

I turn into this stoic who maybe doesn't lose it, but neither do I feel an ounce of compassion or something resembling love at that moment.

I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to hear any more about it.  I just go into my own little world as a method of coping.

I was thinking "Is that how I want her to learn to handle problems? To just clam up as a way of not losing it. Is that really a lot better?"

And I was thinking how it can be like that in our spiritual lives too. Sometimes we are trying SO hard (often in our own power, sadly) to not do the WRONG thing that we forget to do the right thing.

So yeah, by 7:48 AM, I was feeling like I had already fought enough of battles for one day.  I pondered. I prayed. I seethed a little.

And then I came to work and wrote.  And I still don't feel like I have much clarity or wisdom.

How would you handle a situation like this??

Friday when I went to the doctor to have a routine exam done, the nurse who took my blood pressure and checked my pulse asked me if I “smoked cigarettes.” I said “No”, maybe with a tad of piousness, and then she asked if I am exposed to any second-hand smoke. Again, I said no.

But, I am kind of feeling like she asked me the wrong question. She should have asked me about second-hand guilt. Because that, my friend, I HAVE been exposed to.

Not that I would have technically considered that question an appropriate one to be coming from a nurse at the clinic, but it would have at least been more relevant to my life and my health. At least to my emotional health.

Do you know what I mean by second-hand guilt?

It is what hounds you on a beautiful, lazy Saturday. A day where you really don’t have that much on your agenda other than maybe making some popcorn and maybe some (optional) lunch for the family, making sure the boys get their residual homework done, and preparing a lesson for the little kids’ Sunday school class tomorrow.

You picture just sitting around getting the rest of that book finished so you can discuss it accurately at book club on Monday night.

You picture hanging out in your pj’s and never even venturing outside, unless to take a lazy walk that you WANT to take...not HAVE to take.

You think of puttering and coziness and yummy food and family warmth.

And then your husband wakes up all energetic and before you ever even get out of bed, he has been out in his shop welding AND has taken a 5 mile bike ride. (No lie.)

He’s like a junkie and his adrenaline of choice is to work harder than he has any other Saturday of his life. He's like the energizer bunny all hopped up on Monster energy drink.

He goes for a haircut, comes home, quickly changes his clothing and rushes back out the door. When I stop him to ask what he is going outside to do, he graces me with a 10 second pause in which he said curtly “Work”.

Now, he never said I should come and help. He never said “You lazy girl...sitting around in that house all day.”

But those things are what the voices in my head are telling me.

If I was home alone, I would be SO content to putter the day away. I would revel in it. Relish it. Bask in its deliciousness.

But this second-hang guilt is nagging at my heart. Making me feel like a loser. Because the contrast between what I will accomplish today and what he will accomplish today is stark.

Does it matter? Maybe not. Did he ask for my help? No, but I know it is always welcome.

I despise second-hand guilt. Because if I am going to feel guilty, I at least want a reasonable action that I committed to back up the feeling of guilt. I want it to be guilt-worthy.

So, I putter. I sit around catching up on Facebook, watching “The Amazing Race” with the kids and reading my book.

I bring some laundry up from the basement, but I don’t fold it. I text my friend about tonight’s activities.

But that little guilt-monster is sitting on my shoulder and hounding me with its nasty little comments.

By now, all of the kids are outside also helping Jeremy work. I can hear loud music coming from the shop. Maybe they think that music makes work fun. Who knows?

And I know myself good enough to know that after I push it off a little longer, I’ll throw on a sweatshirt and my boots and I will make my way out there. If not to help, at least to be supportive and see what is going on.

But why?

I was perfectly happy in my little Saturday bubble before he burst it with his all-fired enthusiasm for all things not couch-potato related.

And here is what confounds me even further. I can be buzzing around doing a hundred different things and if HE is in relaxed mode, it doesn’t seem to bother him one iota. The irony of that is astounding.

Is it a woman thing? Do we just like guilt so much that we’ll even pick it up second-hand?

Now that I think about, maybe I WON’T go out there and see if I can lend a hand. Maybe I’ll just sit here and be lazy.

Maybe I will surprise myself. Its a bad thing to always be so predictable anyway, isn’t it? Or at least, so I have heard. Don’t the experts say you should always keep that element of surprise in your marriage? Granted, this may not be what they are talking about, but since they didn’t specify clearly enough, I am thinking that this qualifies.

Maybe I WILL finish that book. Maybe I WILL let that laundry sit in the basket until 3 PM. Maybe I WILL. And then I’ll be refreshed enough to start my very own campaign.

Its catch-phrase just might be: “Just say No. To second-hand guilt.”