I thought I might take some time on my blog and go back to the “random word of the day” idea.  I love doing that, because just a single word totally gets my creativity flowing and next thing you know, I’ve got a whole post written.  And since I need writing practice and since I like to write…it works perfectly. At least if I have the time.

Anyway, the word was “color”.  I got to thinking about color and how life would be without color.  So dull and boring.

Winter in Wisconsin, really.

 Ha, ha.

But seriously, there are all of these beautiful colors around us…and how often do we just pass them by without even barely noticing.

I decided to dedicate this week to noticing color.

Maybe pick a color a day and try to photograph as many things as I can that are that color.

I chose red for today. Maybe because it is my favorite color.  Although I have other favorites too!

Let’s just say I love color and mixtures of color.

So…what did I find today that was red?

Well…

These crayons…sitting on the counter where Nikki had abandoned her coloring project.  I pulled out the reds and snapped a picture.

My red peep toe heels.  I wore these on Friday night when we went out with friends.  I “think” they looked cute with my white skinny jeans and red shirt.  They were uncomfortable after a while. And I always figure if something is uncomfortable, then it must at least look nice, right?

I know this doesn’t look red, but it is RED PEPPER hummus.  That and some pita chips were the main part of my lunch.  Super yummy!

Beautiful raspberries that I bought for some fruit kabob thingy-s that I am making for Nikki’s birthday party tomorrow.

Fresh tomatoes…from my little garden, nonetheless.  Kind of makes me happy.

See that red “v” on there?  And the word “victor”.  Yup, that was me today. I caught that darn mouse and I threw him out in the woods.  The trap is set again and baited with peanut butter, because I am thinking he might have had a buddy!

A red pack of playing cards.  The boys have really been into playing Solitaire and today they learned how to play something called “Double Solitaire”.  Somehow, seeing them play with cards instead of with electronics warms my heart.

When I see that little red ”message” icon on Facebook, I always feel this little surge of joy and anticipation.  Who could be messaging me?  What is it about?  Yes, my life is pretty uneventful!

And that is all my “reds” for today.  Did you notice anything red in your world today?

Tomorrow’s color:  Pink

Has this ever happened to you?

You buy a shirt somewhere.

Probably because you think it is cute and it is also cheap.

You wear said shirt numerous times.

All of a sudden, one day you spot someone else around town…wearing YOUR shirt!

Maybe they choose a less than appealing combination to wear it with.  Maybe the shirt is a bit tight on them and doesn’t look that flattering.  Maybe when they bend over their butt crack shows and you wonder “Does that happen to me when I wear that shirt?”

Whatever the reason, all of a sudden, you aren’t quite so crazy about that shirt anymore.  It just doesn’t seem unique or special or quite so “me” when I see other people wearing it.

This has happened to me three times lately.

Following is an exhibit of the shirts that are now in my personal shirt graveyard…to be worn only at home.

Or on days when I am feeling like I just don’t care.

Note to self: Don’t buy shirts at Wal-Mart.

This one is from Old Navy, but I think I got it at a garage sale. This was the most recent spotting…just the other day at our local gas station, I saw a women getting milk out of the coolers…wearing MY shirt.

From Maurice’s.  On clearance. Apparently, I was not the only person who couldn’t pass up $5.00 for a sorta-cute shirt.

But then, sometimes I am the one who likes someone else’s shirt and wants one for myself.

As happened this past weekend with my friend Stephanie.

She was wearing this super cute, flattering shirt that she got at Kohl’s.

We ended up getting some time to go to Kohl’s and I picked one up.  Even in the same color she had.

She seemed fine with it and even encouraged me to get one.

No, we don’t live in the same community, but I do apologize to her in advance if seeing this picture of me in “her” shirt ruins it for her!

In the meantime…I’ve worn it twice this week! That’s how much I love it!

That is, until I see someone in my hometown wearing it!

I have the privilege, if you want to look at it that way, of having two kids with birthdays close together.

In the summer.

Yup. That means I was pregnant through the hot month of July, not once, but twice.  And the year Nikki was born was a scorcher!

Anyway, Derrick’s birthday comes first.  We planned his party for the Friday before his actual birth date, because that is what seemed to work best.

He had quite a list of boys to invite and it worked out that all of his invitees but one were able to make it.  That was really nice!

The “opening of the presents”  Always a good time!

Eating supper.  Derrick had suggested I do a pancake with toppings meal instead of the normal birthday fare…which is frozen pizzas.  I would say the pancakes were a HUGE hit and the most popular topping was the whipped cream out of the can!

This is Nikki with their daughter.  They had a lot of fun together!

Cynthia and I.  We have a special bond because of some shared experiences and Cynthia has been such a loyal friend to me!

We were home for part of a week and then came the much anticipated trip to Chicago with my friend Stephanie (notice the use of your full name, Steph!) and her daughter, Lauren.

Liz and I…before I left on Friday morning. Isn’t she just so beautiful?

Eating some Baskin Robbins sherbet in the van.

We FINALLY met up with Steph and Lauren after driving through much downtown traffic and spending much time trying to find each other. Let’s just say neither Stephanie nor I are extremely good with maps.

We had decided ahead of time that we were going to take the girls to the American Girl Doll store and then take them to the birthday supper they have there. (The girls were both born on the same day and their birthdays are coming right up!)

I love the excited and happy looks on the girls’ faces on these pictures.  The supper was awesome and for me, it was one of the highlights of our little trip.  Although, when I asked Nikki what her high light was, she said “Swimming at the hotel pool.”  Seriously???  Guess we could have done that right here in town.

The girls were posing with Woody. He is made up entirely of Legos.

The view by the bridge….along Michigan Ave. in downtown Chicago. It was quite pretty!

On Saturday we decided to take public transit so we wouldn’t have to pay for parking, etc. Well, that was a story in itself.  One that is long and boring, but let’s just say that we spent about 1/2 of our day just getting from “here to there”.  A bit frustrating.  Two ladies with two girls in strollers with almost zero knowledge of public transportation…yeah, it wasn’t the greatest idea. But, it all worked out and we stayed pretty cheerful through it all, so that was a win!

We stopped at a little cafe for breakfast on Saturday morning.  It was good…if a bit expensive.

We took these really cool pictures by the Lincoln Park Zoo…with the flower gardens and the skyline in the background.  Sad to say, the one of Stephanie and I didn’t turn out real great.  Maybe it was our pint sized photographer’s fault!

It was SO hot when we were at the zoo.  I guess I was tired of taking pictures…plus my phone was low on battery, so this is the only picture I have from the zoo.  An ugly rhino. Although I have to admit that I found the rhinos to be oddly fascinating.

Do I look tired on here?  Well, that’s because I was.  This is at the place where we finally got to try out Chicago style deep dish pizza.  It was yummy, but after all we had to go through to get it, I’m not sure if it was actually worth it.  (Another long, boring story that involved a thunderstorm and a very crowded restaurant with a LONG wait!!)

The girls playing in the hotel room.

It was a good weekend!  It was so good to see one of my best friends and to get to hang out and explore together.  We met in Chicago because it was 1/2 way between us, but I think, in retrospect, it may have worked better (with having the girls along) to go to a smaller town where getting around wasn’t such an issue.

After eating a yummy breakfast at Panera Bread, we traveled back home on Sunday. Here Nikki is intently watching one of the DVD’s that I rented for her.

And that catches you up to date on my crazy busy life lately. I am ready for a weekend at home! 

And then…Nikki’s birthday party is coming up next Tuesday. Thankfully, she has requested a Dairy Queen cake. And I am perfectly fine with not making another cake right now.

A good friend of mine told me years ago that a counsellor that she and her husband were going to said this:

“Anger is never a stand alone emotion.  It is always a by-product of another emotion.”

I have thought about this many, many times over the years.  I have tried to decide if I think that this is a true statement.

I still am not sure. But I do think there is a lot of validity to it.

Last night, the kids and I were sitting and watching the softball game that was being played after my game was finished.  We won, by the way.

Anyway, there was a situation where the third baseman was not in the proper spot when the third base short stop wanted to throw the ball to him. Oh.My.Word!  You should have heard the way that he called his teammate names and cussed him out.  Everything from stupid m***f**’er to whatever else he could think of at the time.

The kids and I watched in somewhat shocked amazement.  Imagine walking back into the dug-out and looking your teammate in the eye after you just completely lost your cool with him and called him names?

I used the situation to explain to my kids how, even when you are angry and frustrated, it is NEVER ok to talk to someone else like that.  I also told them how sometimes a person is actually angry at their own selves for their mistake, but they will take it out on someone else.

And guess what?  The person who looked like a loser was not the guy who wasn’t in his proper spot by third base!!

I think that, as a society, we have made anger a more acceptable thing for men to show than for women to show.  It is somehow viewed as unfeminine or wrong.  I know that for myself, I have often found myself editing out the word “angry” when explaining how I felt about something. I will choose to say that I was “mad” or “frustrated”.  When I know deep down that it was actually a stronger emotion than that.

I know that the Bible says we should not sin when we are angry.  That kind of indicates that we WILL feel angry at times, but what we do with that makes all of the difference.

I know that blowing up is not the answer, but neither is stuffing the anger, because I can promise you that it will come out eventually.  So there must be a happy medium…where we learn to express our anger in a healthy way.  I’m guessing I’m still a little left of center most days.

I think about anger sometimes and what triggers anger in me.  And why?

These are things that I have recently felt angry about:

Nikki spilling her lemonade. Yesterday. Approximately 10 seconds after I had set her cup in front of her. For some reasons, messes make me angry.  Like the spillled cherry slushies (yes, that’s plural) in the back seat of the van.  Or the spilled yogurt on the carpet.  I feel immediate anger when one of the kids spills something.  I really have no idea why this is.  Granted, I generally hold it together pretty well, but I definitely feel angry.

Jeremy asking me to take a load of wood to the KOA.  Somewhere between unloading the 363 bundles of wood and then dropping off a dirty, heavy tire at the repair shop, I was swearing under my breath and saying to myself  ”When did I (expletive) sign up for this?”  I even talked to Jeremy about how I felt angry and that I realize it is my problem.  I told him that I know my anger is disproportionate the to situation and that I need to figure out what might be causing it before I can explain it to him.  I’m still not sure. Although I do have a theory.

Being asked to stop at the store and pick up something for someone else.  When no, I was not going to be running into that store today. 

The bickering between my children.  Especially my two younger ones.  Nothing quite raises the blood pressure look some good old stupid, senseless bickering and fighting.  On Tuesday I had to apologize to the kids because I raised my voice and got a little too “frustrated” with them on the way to music lessons.  Also, nothing like enclosed spaces, like a van, to bring the bickering stress level to new heights.

When I look over this list, I realize something embarrassing and shameful.  All of the things that I can remember getting angry about lately are based in my selfishness.  I don’t want things to inconvenience me. I don’t want to deal with messes. And fighting kids. And running errands for other people.

Wow!  Do I have room to grow or what?

How about at least saving my anger for just causes?  Like people being mistreated or Christians who do harm to the name of Jesus or children who are abused.

The fact that categorizing my anger reveals a bedrock of selfishness in my life is a little hard to swallow.

What makes you angry?  Do you struggle with anger?  Do you have a hard time admitting it when you are angry?  What have you found to be helpful in dealing with your anger?

I have been fortunate enough to get a little extra reading in these last few weeks.

Summer is flying by, but the days at home are fairly long and I am happy for the opportunity to have a little extra chill time.

I read two books within the last few weeks that I wanted to do a review on.

Plus, I am Re-re-re-re-reading (that means I am reading it for the 4th time, at least) Ann Voskamp’s “1000 Gifts.”  Yes, I think it is THAT good!!

I read this book a couple of weeks ago. I had picked it up at a garage sale.

I have visited various Hutterite colonies over the years and I mostly enjoyed my time there.

Although, the most embarrassing moment of my entire life did happen at a Hutterite colony.  It involved me laughing loudly at a somewhat inappropriate joke that my new Hutterite friend had told me, and then being called out by the visiting BISHOP in front of the entire roomful of Hutterite people and my Bible school friends.  It was brutal.

The book was interesting, but not real attention grabbing.  The writer was an ex-Hutterite whose family left the colony when she was about 10.  Over 1/2 of the book is about the way of life on the colony and the rest of the book is about their transition out of the colony and the huge challenge that was.

There was a lot of detail in the book and while some of it was interesting, sometimes I felt like I had lost the main story line among the details.

A few things that struck me:  The way the Hutterites are very brash and bold.  The way they communicate with each other does not include a lot of social graces. And they all seem fine with that. 

The absolute power that the colony leader has.  He even forbade the writer’s Dad from taking their sick child to the hospital because he thought it wasn’t serious enough.  And, as usual, along with absolute power comes corruption.  That part made me sad.  And was, ultimately, the reason that the writer’s family left the colony.

The strength of community that they have.  Everyone just helps everyone else.  They are very organized and efficient and hard workers. Even the little children have to pitch in.  On the other hand, the individual parents don’t even really raise their children. Its pretty much a community effort, just like everything else.

Read this:  If you have a strong interest in learning more about Hutterite colony life.  It is somewhat fascinating to me to read about.  Also, if you don’t mind some extra details.

Bottom line:  Interesting, but not necessarily compelling.  I did really like the personal aspect of this story and the way she conveyed her emotions about things.  I found myself really feeling badly for her in certain parts of the story.

Audrey’s rating:  **

The other book that I just finished a day or two ago was by Susan Wiggs.

This is just one of your typical novels.  I generally do not read a lot of novels…I concentrate more on non-fiction and memoirs, etc., but I had picked this one up (again, at a garage sale) and thought it looked kind of interesting.

This story follows the life of a navy pilot who works on a huge carrier ship and is gone for 6 months out of the year.

At the time most of the book takes place, he has been in the navy for over 20 years, he and his wife are middle aged and have three teenage children.

I have realized that, as a reader, I care more about the relationship portrayal in a book than I do about the actual story-line.  When I am reading, I want to feel something, learn something, and I really want to and like to read about the inner-workings of relationships.  I feel like this book does a good job of that.

As a navy wife, Grace had poured her heart and soul into her husband’s career. She stayed home with their kids and held things down on the homefront when he was out at sea. And she did it well.

But somewhere along the way, she lost herself. She quit asking “What do I want?” and became discontent with her life.

Could their marriage survive these changes she was going through?  She bought a house, got a dog and started her own business…all things that they as a couple had agreed they were not going to do until her husband was retired from the navy.  He was not very open to discussion on these things, so she ended up just going ahead with it while he was gone.

Tragedy strikes on his ship and he is forced to consider what is really important in life. 

Read this:  I think that someone who is in the army or navy would especially relate to this book and the life of a military family. (I thought of Meg often when I was reading this book!)  Also, if you like books about marriage and about the rough patches that we all go through, you might relate.  All ends well, so read this if you like happy endings.

Bottom Line:  Interesting read.  Well written.  You find yourself really pulling for this middle aged couple and their family. 

Audrey’s rating:  *** and a 1/2

This past weekend we did our first (local) camping trip of the season. 

It is already past the middle of July and we are breaking out the camping trailer for the first time.

That is practically a crime!!

And a testament to our very busy summer.  Dang!!

We decided to take the kids to the fair and watch a truck and tractor pull on Friday night, since the campground we were staying at was only 15 or 20 minutes from the fair.

Had I known it was going to cost a total of $44.00 for our family to see the truck and tractor pull, plus approximately $11.00 spent on very over-priced fair food…I probably would have said “Let’s not go.”

Although, on second thought, I paid $6 for some nachoes that were pretty dang awesome, so maybe it WAS worth it.

One of the trucks that did the truck pull

A blurry picture of a tractor pulling the weight (notice the BLACK smoke and wheels off of the ground) Jeremy said “Take that, Al Gore” when he saw that black smoke.  Ha, ha.

Sitting in the stands waiting for the truck pull to start

Awww…This is one of those awkward (take the picture yourself) photos

“Hey, Mom, look!  It’s a bonnet.”  (Actually, it is her sweatshirt wrapped around her head)

My summary of the truck and tractor pull:

15 minutes of action crammed into 2 1/2 hours of time = Boring.

But that’s just me.

Raw power doesn’t do that much for me.

Unless we’re talking, like, human muscles. On a man.  Then maybe.

Nikki and I did walk down to the animal barns while Jeremy and the boys were waiting for the truck pull to start.

Did you know that I grew up on a pig farm? 

I felt like having a picture of Nikki touching a pig was in order. See how she’s only using a finger or two to touch it?

Baby goats.

We walked through stinky barns and saw lots of cows and horses and goats and pigs and sheep.  We tried not to get crap on our flip-flops.

And that was that.

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Saturday morning we had a yummy breakfast and then were sitting around at the campground trying to decide what to do.  It was a delicious kind of boring.

Anyway, I found that there is this place called “Pioneer Village” that has lots of buildings and items from the late 1800′s and early 1900′s.  I am not even sure I knew this existed, and it is only an hour from our place.

I tried to get the kids excited about going with me.  It worked!

They all decided to go with me while Jeremy went and did some shopping.

This era of history is probably the most fascinating to me.

Derrick was bored and said he wished he wouldn’t have come…Kendall and Nikki kept on touching everything that they weren’t supposed to be touching…and I was the cheerful tour guide saying in an excited voice “Look at this, kids!!! Isn’t that cool?”  The thing was, I was totally sincere. Is that sad?

There was this big building with showcase after showcase of old thing in them. Kind of by categories.

Nikki wanted to have her picture taken with this fake dude. I think he is an old-time trapper.

Inside of one of the old houses. The simplicity of their way of life was astounding to me.

An old church.  So pretty.

A chair made out of a stump.

The only picture of me from the weekend.  Only because an old man offered to take a picture of “me with my family.”  Problem was, he did not know how to run a cell phone camera.  That made things a bit interesting.

We are posing here in front of the “Post Office”.

They also had a dentists’s office, a blacksmith, a doctor’s office, a school (super interesting), a printing shop, a general store, and many other buildings.

I think the kids had the most fun in their cool little gift shop.  Nikki loved trying on the bonnets, etc.  They had so many cool, hand-made, old things in that gift shop. I was intrigued.

So cute…

Kendall holding up some furs.  Somehow the angle of this picture makes his head look much larger than his body.  Its kind of cracking me up!

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The rest of the weekend we were at the campground, except for an evening run into the nearest town to get some DQ. Yum-my!!

Swimming fun.  Our campsite was right by the pool, so that was handy.

The boys each posing with their Dad.

Nikki playing “Duck, Duck, Goose” on the jumping pillow. The kids almost always make new friends when we go camping.  Jeremy said he watched Nikki at the pool, just talking with random strangers and he thought to himself “I bet that’s how Audrey was when she was young!” 

The kids all brought their bikes and the boys brought their roller blades too.  They had a lot of fun zipping around the paved paths.

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And that’s a wrap.  Hope you enjoyed getting a glimpse of our recent activies.

Maybe you happen to recall the story in the Gospel of John about the man who was born blind.

Its one of the many miracles that Jesus performed during his time here on earth.

But like all of Jesus’ miracles, then and now, there is something profoundly special about it.

I was reading this story a week or two ago and something struck me as never before.

What does Jesus say at the beginning of the story when the disciples asked Him “who had sinned that this man was born blind?”

He answers “NO ONE sinned.  But this man was born blind that MY glory might be revealed in Him.”  Truth spoken from the mouth of the Son of God.

But, as you read through the story and get to the end of it…where the man (born blind) had been healed and had now been called in to talk with the religious leaders (for a second time)…you see how people’s truths about us can differ from God’s truth.

As the man testifies as to what Jesus had done for him, and even begins to get a bit frustrated and challenge the religious leaders, what accusation do they throw at him?

With derision in their voices, they cry “Oh, what do you know? You were steeped in sin from your birth!!!”

Ouch.  Burn.

Jesus’ truth:  This man was born blind so that HIS glory could be revealed in him.

Other’s truth:  You sinned, or you parents sinned, and that is why you were born blind.

Which will the blind man believe?

Do you think that the next time somebody asked him to testify about what Jesus had done, he did so with a little more hesitation?  A little fear of someone throwing his past in his face?  Do you think a little part of him was swayed by people’s perception of him?

I hope not.  We will probably never know.

But I realized as I read this story…its an age old struggle.  The decision whether to believe God’s truth about us or to buy into the labels that the devil and other people want to brand upon us.

Alcoholic

Liar

Insecure

Always strong — If I show weakness…how will those around me respond?

Sexually abused

Never good enough — Always falling short of expectation.

Sizzle.  Burn.

The hiss of the serpents lies may as well be the hiss of a branding iron.

It cuts straight to the heart.  It leaves a mark on our souls.

Unwanted and unlovable.

Cheater — Branded with the scarlet letter.

The good girl — Its not OK to admit your struggles

Always poor.

Divorced.

Sizzle.  Burn.

I remember the day that I was driving alone and God spoke to me.  It wasn’t an audible voice, but it may as well have been, for all of the clarity and force with which it hit me.

I was struggling to forgive myself.  Others were struggling too. Maybe more so.

I felt like I needed to hold on to the unforgiveness.  To make myself pay for wrongs committed.

Jesus spoke to me through the fog of my self-doubt and self-beration and said this “When you don’t accept my forgiveness, you are hurting me.  Deeply.  You are saying that what I did on the cross might be enough for others and their sins, but it isn’t enough for yours.  You hurt me when you don’t accept my grace and forgiveness as sufficient for YOU.”

It was a turning point for me.  Realizing that my rejection of God’s provision was like a slap in His face.

Does that mean that the struggle was over? 

Definitely not.

I’ve had to claim and re-claim that truth over the years.

But, honestly, where I find myself still struggling the most is when it comes to other people.

It reminds me of that old Colin Raye (country) song that says “Jesus will forgive…but a Daddy don’t forget.”

People don’t forget.

They brand you.

Sizzle. Hiss.  Burn.

Way too often, we define others by their past.  Maybe even adding that tid-bit to a conversation about a person that others are just getting to know.

“Well, you know…she IS on her second marriage.”  Or “Yeah, she’s always struggled with insecurity…more than most.”

We want to share our stories, but they are shrouded in shame and guilt.  Its hard to see through the fog of other’s perceptions and our own insecurities to be able to live openly and with truthfulness. 

What if people think differently of me?

What if I am branded for life?

Is it OK that I am broken and have holes in my soul?  Can you still accept me?

When I struggle with these questions, I wonder how far I have to yet go in understanding the forgiveness of God??  People’s opinions of me aren’t what matter.  But that doesn’t mean that I am super human.

That I’m not hurt by the references to the past or the fleeting look in the eyes of a friend who now thinks less of me, try as the might to hide it.

God’s grace COVERS.

Covers.

All.

Who knows what His purpose was for allowing the story of our past?

Chances are, it is to bring glory to Him.  Some way.  Somehow.  Even though I don’t understand it.  Through our brokenness and our willingness to share our story, His spirit can move.

Do I claim His truth?

Or do I allow the lies of the serpent and the hiss of his branding iron to sear my soul forever? 

As I am realizing about a lot of things in life:

It is a choice.  My choice. 

And yours.

I have been in a funk lately.

I know that this is not the first time I have blogged about this, but I think that when you are normally a cheerful and optimistic person like I am, being in a funk feels kind of unsettling.

I told Jeremy that I “just don’t feel like myself.”

He helped out a lot by asking me “So, who DO you feel like?”  Ha, ha.

Sometimes I think I am a tough chick who can kind of deal with the stresses of life and can work through things that are bothering me in a healthy way, but then it seems like eventually my body catches up with whatever is going on in my mind and I find myself just feeling “blah” and drained.

Jeremy and I were talking about this the other night and I asked him what he thinks the secret is to getting out of a funk.

He said that for himself, he needs to slow down enough to consciously count his blessings and be intentional in being thankful.

I thought that was really good advice.

The next day I wrote this in my journal…

“I have been in a funk lately and I am not sure why.  I feel like my life is one huge cycle of cooking and cleaning and breaking up fights, etc.  I feel like I have lost the joy somewhere along the way and I am not exactly sure how to get it back.  What is the secret?  Thankfulness?  But how do you let thankfulness really sink into your soul and adjust your attitude?”

I think that last question is the million dollar question, at least for me.

I decided to keep a list, just for that day, of things that I can choose to be thankful for.

Without any serious brain wracking, I came up with a list of 40 things that I could be thankful for…just on that day.

I prayed about it.  I felt my soul being able to breathe a little more.  I felt a tiny bit of hope and like my life was more delight than drudgery.  But it didn’t really take away the over-all feeling that I have been experiencing for the past 2 weeks.

I try to remember that “Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle” (something that I have learned by way of Ann Voskamp’s “1000 Gifts” book).  This has proven to be true in my life again and again.

Choosing to be thankful (and it IS a choice) brings about change.  More often than not, the change is internal, not external.

I just realized (as I was writing this post) that after I had been intentional and done this list the other day and prayed about the funk I have been in…

…yesterday I got some clarity (through a series of events) as to why I have been feeling this way.  And that is huge for me.

It doesn’t solve the issue(s) I am dealing with, but at least I can put a finger on what it is that is draining me and making me feel in a funk and I can proceed from there…with more prayers and more thanksgiving and with talking it through.

Just when I was thinking that God was kind of leaving me hanging and not helping me to figure out what was going on in my heart…He reveals Himself in a way that I didn’t expect.

When will I learn to quit looking for God to show Himself within the box that I expected to see Him in and start asking Him to just open my eyes to see Him in whatever way He chooses to reveal Himself??

I feel better today.

He never promised that life would be easy…He only promised that He would give us strength for the day and grace to make it through.

And that is ALWAYS enough.

Since I wrote that post about small talk, I have been thinking and re-thinking the subject.

A lot.

As I have interacted with people in the past couple of days, I thought about whether my interactions and my level of enjoyment in the small talk was in agreement with what I blogged about.

And I feel like I need to make a correction:

I don’t hate small talk.

I hate small talk with certain people. And especially with people who I should have long moved on to something else with. (I am not sure that sentence is grammatically correct. I challenge you to diagram it!)

There. Now I got that clarification down on paper.

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This morning the kids and I headed out to hit a few garage sales.

I love to garage sale!! (Understatement alert)

It is one of the simple pleasures of my life.

I think part of it is because you never know what you might find and it is always so cool to get something you really wanted for a cheap price.  Knowing that amount of money that you WOULD have spent on something…ah, its like a breath of fresh air.

OK, before I get all poetic, let me show you a little more about WHY I like to garage sale.

The kids and I went to 5 garage sales today.  Honestly, the others were a bust.

Other than Kendall being given a “Sorry” game by a lady, me buying 2 books for Derrick, getting a softball and an old Scrabble game, we hadn’t had much luck.

Then…we hit the 5th and final sale.

And we scored.  Big time.

First of all, I have been looking for a good pair of Rollerblades.

Wah-la!!

For a dollar. Yeah, you heard me right.  A dollar.

We also got….

A bunch of winter hats and gloves

A butterfly wall hanger thingy for Nikki’s room

An air popper and some Tupperware containers

4 tops for me and a pair of yoga pants and flannel pj pants (one of the tops didn’t end up fitting me)

A hat that needed its own picture, because it is supposed to look like a chicken. Guess which kid picked this out?

A dress and a sweatshirt for Nikki

Sunglasses for Nicole and one of those annoying little Zhu Zhu pet guys

This Tinkerbell kitchen with that whole box of accessories

And, my happiest find of the day, “The Little Engine That Could” book.  Full version.

I LOVE to find books that I had as a kid and read them to my kids.

Love, love it!

Remember that part that they kept repeating in the book about how, if they couldn’t find an engine, then “all of the good little boys and girls on the other side of the mountain wouldn’t have any toys to play with or good food to eat?”

Also found this book with all kinds of Mother Goose rhymes in it.

And here’s the thing:  Guess how much I paid for ALL of that ^^^^^

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

$28

Yup.  I was pretty darn happy about that!

I also saw these really cool things for your yard or garden made out of old cups and saucers, etc. I thought they were super creative.

I didn’t buy any though.

And, I almost bought this book (published in 1981) that had all kind of patterns of things to make for your baby to wear.

It was SOOO early ’80′s stuff that I just had to take some pictures. 

Pretty interesting how styles change, isn’t it?

And WHEN did those Mother’s have to time to crochet all that stuff?

Anyway, after that I went to Wal-mart and spent $115 on basically nothing that will last more than a week. (Food, mostly)

Kind of makes me pissy.

Maybe the garage sale finds can balance out the Wal-mart trip.

Not that I would want to eat books and Rollerblades and winter hats…but still!

As I was sitting at my desk at work today listening to one of the guys I work with make a phone call and start off with “Hey, have you done any fishing lately?” (even though I knew he was calling to talk to the guy about a past due bill), I got to thinking (again) about small talk.

Have you ever thought about how much our society runs on small talk?

You run into someone in the grocery store and you stop for a minute and say,

“So, what have you been up to lately?” and they respond with “Oh, not too much.  How about you?” and it goes from there.

I understand that small talk is a necessary lubricant in the gears of society, but I pretty much consider it to be a necessary evil.

It is even defined as ” an informal type of discourse that does not cover any functional topics of conversation or any transactions that need to be addressed”.

My point exactly.

I have been known to hide from people in Wal-Mart by ducking into the next aisle or hoping they don’t recognize me from the back.

Dying my hair every few years helps with this, I think!

I don’t like after church chatter.  For some reason, that one seems especially bad. Maybe because it is lunch time and you just want to get your high heels and Sunday clothing off and get home and relax.

And if you start to think about how relationships would function without small talk, you realize that things could get AWK-WARD really quick.

Just last night, I attended a “Thirty-One” bag party (bought my first bag, by the way. I figured you would be proud, Di Miller!) and I sat across a table from a woman who I had never spoken to before, as far as I know.

And we made small talk.

Because that’s what you do.

I found out a number of things about her and formed a small impression of what she might be like.  And I’m sure she did the same of me. 

But, here’s where I tend to veer off course.  Maybe.

Since I don’t really like small talk, and I tend to want to go deep with conversation (pretty much always, if I sense the inkling of a chance for it), I will often ask questions that might seem too personal for some people.  I don’t do this on purpose, I just do it.

Because that is who I am.

I sort of figure that if someone is put off by my somewhat personal question within our first 5 or 10 minutes of interaction, then they probably aren’t going to like my style long term anyway and we can just get that out of the way from the beginning.

A good friend of mine, who is also a hater of small talk, told me recently that her way of getting to know someone is to ply them with questions, just like I tend to do.  But, she told me that once she went out for lunch with a friend and many months later, that friend told her that she was kind of freaked out because she felt like my friend was prying because of all of the questions she was asking.  And here she was just being genuinely interested and displaying that in the only way she knew how.

Thus we wade into the murky waters of building relationships.  Intentions being mis-read…vibes being given and taken…lots of room for error.  But, oh the possiblities as well!!!

Last night, my personal-question-asking tendencies played out by this new acquaintance of mine talking about how she had grown up in our small town, she has a lot of relatives here, and how everybody seems to know her family.

And then I said “So does that bother you?  That people seem to have you labeled because of your family?”

Now that I think back, her eyes might have widened a bit in shock at the straight forward question, but she handled it well and answered with ease.

You see…here’s what I have learned. (Wow! Don’t I sound like some teacher imparting wisdom. Ha, ha, ha!)

Not everyone is going to like me.  I am not going to like everyone else.  I won’t connect with everyone.

The more genuine I am to myself and who I really am when I meet someone and the more I just do/say what comes naturally instead of over-thinking or trying to decide what the other person might like or not like, the quicker we can either part ways or become friends.

Does anyone else know what I mean by this?

Jeremy says that sometimes I may come across as too intense and that people could be scared off/intimidated by that or could mis-read it.  But I really don’t know how else to be. 

I’ve just have found that those people who you can never get past small talk with…you’re never GOING to get past small talk with.

About 3 years ago I had a long and intense discussion with a close friend of mine about this. I had been with her to the grocery store and witnessed her chatting it up with someone from her church.  To me, the conversation was completely meaningless and boring and I could have not stood and talked about camping and who is doing what and all of that for nearly as long as she did.

After the other lady walked away, my friend and I got to talking about small talk.

Turns out, she loves it.

She thinks it is a great way to connect with people. She says she is very interested in the surface-y details of their lives.  She also told me that this is how she interacts with many people in her life and she is completely fine with that.  She doesn’t have a lot of close and personal friends.

This sort of blew my small human mind.  (That’s a quote from “Raising Hope” that Jeremy and I toss around now and then. For some reason, it cracks us both up!)

So I launched into my expose about how “if that is what your friendship is like, it will probably never go deep and how I choose to spend my time on friendships that have more potential,” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then she told me that was selfish of me.

Well, at least she and I were gettin’ past the small talk!!

I maintained that I don’t see what purpose these small talk kind of relationships serve.  And she maintained that they were very important in her life.

I get the part about making “small talk” when you are getting to know someone, as a way to possibly lead into a deeper friendship.  Don’t get me wrong. I do it a lot.  And sometimes I even enjoy it quite a bit, depending on the topic.  Plus, I love meeting new people and making new friends!

But when I sense that is all it is ever going to be, I tend to move along. I figure the other person probably feels the same way about it and is glad for me to move on as well, so that we can both find someone else who we connect better with. I like to think of it as less selfish and more “doing us both a favor”.

Anyway, that conversation with my friend made me think a lot.  Our different philosophies about all of this was intrigueing. And almost 3 years later I still remember the conversation with startling clarity.

I bet if we had talked about the weather or the latest movie we had seen, I wouldn’t remember that conversation one bit.

I rest my case.