April 6, 2011

• N-RWOTD {Humility}

  My story lately kind of went like this:

  I prayed and fasted that God would give me a VERY real understanding of His love so that I could pass that love on to others around me.

  Instead of showering me with some Holy dew-drops and an immense understanding of God’s great love (which I would have much preferred, by the way), He showed me that I can only be filled with His love when I am emptied of myself.

  Humility.

  Ok, now we’re talking active participation on my part.

  I was sort of hoping for divine intervention and then I could just sit back and thank Him for His outlandish blessings in my life.

  That would have been easier. And brought so much glory to Him, you would think, as I shared my story with those around me. How God had just opened the windows of heaven and poured His love down over me like a river. Ah…I could totally picture telling me friends all about it.

  As I was reading a book on Humility by Andrew Murray he got into some practical application.

  How do we learn humility? Well, it is by using all of the everyday situations in our lives to teach us humility.

  I sat and thought about this for a while.

  What would be an example of a situation in my life where I could learn humility?

  Maybe if someone spoke badly about me and I didn’t get all defensive. That would be showing humility.

  How about if I did the household chores and served my family graciously and kindly? That would show humility.

  What about a situation where I had something to say in a conversation, but I listened instead, deferring to someone else? That could be showing a growth in humility.

  OK, God. I need your help, but I am willing to start down this road of learning what it means to be humble.

  Emptied of myself and MY agendas and MY thoughts and MY self-focus. Dependent on you to be my EVERYTHING.

  But, like a lot of things in life…the lessons come packaged differently than I had anticipated.

  As I was running possible “humility teaching” scenarios through my head, I wasn’t thinking this.

  A Saturday at home.
  My own list of chores and plans for the day.
  Going to Jeremy’s shop and offering to help load a firewood crate for him if he would get it out there for me before I had to work on other stuff in the house.

  And having him say, in a sharp tone of voice “Well, I was waiting for you. I’ll get it out there for you right now if you are going to start on it now.”

  Not…”Oh, honey. Thank you SO much for offering. That is so kind of you, my dear. I know this is not your responsibility. Since you offered so nicely, I’ll be happy to come out and help you.”

  Nope.

  Just plopped that ole’ crate out there in the mud and snow next to the that big old firewood pile and went back to his project in the shop.

  So there I was.

  Fuming.

  Feeling anything but an attitude of servanthood and humility.

  He parked the crate at a spot where the ice had frozen down the tarp, and even though I tried to chop away at it with the shovel, fueled by irritation and something close to anger, I couldn’t get that stupid ice to budge.

  Derrick and I were left to try and throw wood from a narrow strip of firewood that was sticking out of the tarp and the more wood we threw, the further we got away from the crate.

  My back was hurting after about 10 minutes.

  I was so.not.cheerful.

  Inside I was thinking things like “Who does he think he is? Plopping this crate out here for me and expecting me to just fill it. I hate this stupid firewood business anyway. This is HIS dream. Not mine. I wish we’d just get rid of the whole business.”

  “I don’t want to spend my Saturday’s filling crates. I don’t even like manual labor. I want to sit and read. Or just relax. Or do something fun as a family.”

  “He never even asked ME if I had anything I needed help with in the house. We are expecting guests for supper. What if I needed HIS help? Has he offered? Oh, no. What about poor little old me?”

  And then I heard His Spirit speak to me.

  I have to admit, I kind of wanted to just punch His Spirit in the face.

  Because He said to me, in that still small voice…

  “My dear child…wouldn’t this be a chance for you to practice some of that humility? This is what I am trying to teach you. Service for others when there is nothing in return. Doing a job that feels like it is ‘beneath’ you. Being cheerful and giving even when the other person isn’t seeming to be grateful.”

  “But God”, I argued. “I didn’t think you were talking about throwing firewood. I thought learning humility would at least be a little more glamorous than this. I wanted to at least be recognized for the fact that I showed humility in a situation. This…this…there’s NOTHING in this for ME!”

  “Exactly”, He whispered into my heart.

  “But…but….THIS isn’t what I had pictured. My back hurts. My husband isn’t even out here helping me. There are 3!! crates to fill. Are you really asking me to do this job cheerfully and without resentment? Seriously? Because I totally feel like I’ve got some right to be feeling a little miffed just about now.”

  And I just kept hearing His gentle, reminding voice. “Do you want to learn humility or don’t you? Do you want to be emptied of yourself so you can be filled with Me? Even if it doesn’t look like what you had pictured? Are you willing to trust Me with this?”

  And then I’m pretty sure He said this “Then just throw the dang firewood, girl. And you better have a smile on your face.”

  I heard Him. I heard Him loud and clear.

  Did I cheer right up?

  Not really.

  I sorta cheered up.

  And when Jeremy came out after a while, I was at least not fuming anymore.

  But I did ask Jeremy to move the crate to a better place for throwing and I did think to myself that I was going to ask Jeremy to help with the other 2 crates, at least.

  Again, my mistakes. My humanity. My lack of dependence and trust in God.

  Instead of saying a quick prayer that God would nudge Jeremy to help with the job, I just didn’t say anything.

  But so often God shows us extraordinary grace in ordinary moments when we are too feeble and human to even remember to ask for it.

  Without me saying anything, Jeremy got in there and started to throw firewood with Derrick and I.

  And I felt grateful. And ashamed of myself.

  We stopped for lunch and afterwards the boys helped load 1 crate and I went out and helped to load the last one.

  And it was done.

  Then God provided another little answer to an un-prayed request when our guests called and requested that we go out to eat at a local pizza place. So, instead of me spending a good part of my afternoon making food for our evening meal, I still got that relaxation time that I had been craving.

  I want to learn humility. Yes, I do.

  But I find such deep ugliness and selfishness in my heart.

  Even in the learning, I want to have some control. I want the learning to come packaged the way I had pictured.

  I guess sometimes the only way God is going to get through to someone like me is to hit me over the head with a crate full of firewood.

  • 10:03 am
  • 16 Comments