June 28, 2012
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I’m Just Thinking…
I feel like lately (maybe the last 6 months) I have been going through an {especially} intense time of trying to figure out exactly who I am.
I don’t know if it is the age I am or a stage in my life or events that have brought this about, but I find myself constantly trying to assess myself and decide what box I fit into. (Did anyone else go through this in their early thirties?)
Am I an extrovert or an introvert?
Am I too quick to give advice?
Do I listen enough?
Am I a dramatic person?
How am I perceived?
When people think of “Audrey”, what comes to their mind?
Are the perceptions I have had of myself throughout my life true?
I have this deep desire to be the best person I can be. I want to grow and learn and change, where need be. I also want to stay true to myself. What does all of that look like?
You know how you grow up with a certain perception of yourself? For instance, one of my perceptions could be that I am not a very gracious person. I don’t have a lot of tact.
I have put myself in that “box”, so to speak. I often fear that maybe I will offend my friends if I am too straight forward. This is an insecurity of mine, especially in certain relationships. Yet I know that my heart is good and that I rarely, if ever, intentionally mean to offend.
I worry that people won’t tell me if I do offend them. But, having said that I always felt like I was not very gracious, I have sometimes been around others who make me seem like the queen of graciousness.
So where is the balance between just “being who you are” and trying to change certain things about yourself that might not be your most attractive qualities?
This probably part of what I have been dealing with a lot lately.
We all know people who are rude or someone who is just a jerk and they just excuse every bad behaviour by just saying “Well, I guess that’s just how I am” and I find that kind of an attitude to be frustrating and a little more than slightly un-enlightened.
I don’t want to be like that.
But I feel like I have crossed over to “the dark side” in that, recently, I have started to kind of question everything I ever thought I knew about myself. I am also learning some new things. It almost feels like a re-defining of how I think of myself, especially in relation to others.
For instance, I am learning that I am not easily offended and that I can take correction or advice a lot better than most people. Which means that I also need to learn that people don’t necessarily want ME to dish out advice to them. Just because that is what I like doesn’t mean others will.
I am learning that I intensely desire resolution in situations. Intensely!! Like, I hardly know what to do with something that feels unresolved to me. Yet, not nearly everyone wants to go through that process. How can I take care of me and what I need in a situation like that, but recognize and respect that someone else may not share my need to resolve and “kill the subject to death” like I do?
I am realizing that, without a doubt, I am an analyzer. I have known that, but it has become more and more clear to me. This definitely has its strengths AND weaknesses. I feel like I am seeing more of the weakness side of this lately.
All of this over-thinking has started to make me lose my moorings a little in knowing where I stand in friendships and how others think of me as a friend. Are there things that I have been doing all of these years and ways of relating that are not that great, but I didn’t realize it, because I was just acting out of what came natural to me? Without regard for how someone else would want to be related to?
I have to remind myself that others perceptions of me are not really what matters, although I do care about that. What really matters is that I am a genuine person and true to myself (whoever “myself” is) and that I know what GOD thinks of me.
But…I have, for quite a while, toyed around with the idea of asking about 10 of my closest friends to answer this question for me…
“What do you see as my greatest weakness?”
And then, if I see a common thread in their answers, I can try to work on that area. Or areaS. (Who am I kidding here?)
I have a somewhat irrational fear of being a person who has this huge issue that everyone knows about but that I am clueless to and that I will go through life causing problems because of this issue, but no one will ever tell me it is there and so I never learn to change it.
The only reason I haven’t done this little questionnaire is because I feel like it would be awkward for my friends. I think of my close friends and would I want to answer that question about them, even if they asked me? I don’t know.
You never want to hurt someone you love and a lot of times, the things you would maybe point out, they probably already know and are trying to work on.
Sometimes too much honesty maybe is not a good thing. But that doesn’t keep me from wishing I could just know what the answer to that question would be.
In our Sunday School class the other day, we had a discussion about whether it is good for Christians to point out the faults or issues of other friends/believers.
The Bible does say to “Admonish one another in love.”
But I will tell you what my life philosophy is about that:
“Don’t answer questions that people aren’t asking.”
If someone really wants to become better, to change by having other’s speak into their lives, they will, in some form or another, be asking those questions of those they trust.
If not, it probably will not go well if you try to point out their issues or faults. And if you do, it is imperative that you focus on the last part of that verse. The “In Love” part. My Dad says this quote that is think is profoundly awesome “You cannot deliver a dump truck load of truth over a plywood bridge of love.” Think about that one for a while!
I think some people of a certain personality want to take a verse like “Admonish one another” and run with it…under the guise of “helping their fellow believers”. A lot of times, I think they get a certain pleasure out of being the one to point out the faults of others.
God just reminded me of this in my prayer time this morning:
“My job is to be a lover (of others), not a judger.”
Period.
I am going to continue to strive to be that kind of a person.
In the meantime, don’t call the people at the nearest phsych ward when you read this jumbled mess that is my thoughts. I really am sane. Most of the time.
Although maybe that’s not how I am always perceived!
Maybe THAT is the question I should be asking of my friends!
Comments (8)
i was honestly thinking about you yesterday…and, not once did i have the thought that she is losing it. it was more like; i value who she is and the friendship she has brought to my life thru the brief exchanges we have had.
i’m reading a book right now that i think you would like too…Grace for The Good Girl. by Emily Freeman….have you read it yet?
keep thinking my friend. i like reading your thoughts.
I think there has to time in everyone’s life where they evaluate where they are, where they’ve been, who they are, where they’re going and what they want to keep about themselves and what they want to change or remove from their lives. Being willing to look at yourself openly and honestly is a good thing. I love that question that you would ask 10 friends. THat’s a brave, but necessary thing to do to see sides of yourself that others see and be willing to really look at yourself. I love this post. It has encouraged me to reach out and ask some tough questions among my friends and listen to the feedback they give.
The only reason you’ve ever given me to call the psych ward on you, would be your excessive use of line spacing . . . . *snicker
I think it’s probably normal to re-evaluate or just evaluate your life in general at a certain point. I mean, you feel like you’ve done some growing up, learned some stuff, and you want to be the best you for the next phase.
I wouldn’t ever ask my friends about my weaknesses. I) I don’t take criticism well so why even start it up? and 2) I had a bad experience with that. When I was probably 14 or 15, my closest gal friends and I had a slumber party and one of the things we did was tell each other our weaknesses and strengths. I’m pretty sure we all ended up mad over that one. Given, we were teenage girls, much less mature, probably much less tactful, and many and varied reasons it could have fallen apart. But Still, I learned a valuable lesson. I’m comfortable doing it at work, because that’s my job with my employees, but not comfortable doing it with my friends, because, well, we just don’t. HA. I do applaud you for being strong enough to want to know so that you can better yourself. You’re totally at a level of maturity there that I’ll probably never be.
maybe i’ve mentioned it before, but the book “lost in the middle” is awesome for what you’re talking about… because i think everyone just naturally hits that middle of life where we are assessing and wondering who we are and what it’s all about. but i think all of life is a “discovery” of who we are. and that’s ever changing. i’m so not the person i was 5 yrs ago…some good ways. some bad. :/
i actually think it’s a great idea to ask those closest to you for your weaknessess… i know several yrs ago my best friend shared w me how she didn’t feel i really listened to her when she was talking….like i was always distracted and looking around. at first it hurt my feelings…i thought i was a good listener.
but when i mentioned it to shayne, he said she was right. :/ i think of that often when someone is talking. i HOPE it’s helped me do better in that area….
good food for thought here aug. and i love that you’re the kind of person to even THINK of this sort of thing.
Interesting post! I’ve done this analyzing too, many times through the years. I’ve settled down, lately because my thinking was driving me nuts. So, I think more about who Jesus is and who he is through my personality (the good parts). And that’s that. Period. SImply love more, judge NO more. Not always easy, because we are human. But because he’s in us, it’s not impossible. Listen to Andrew Farley at churchwithoutreligion.com…media archives, June 3rd, I think. He explains things beautifully.
the age or the stage? hmmmmm. maybe both. but i don’t know. just my subjective opinion. it took till i was thirty-something to get more than a little sideswiped and thinking some of these exact same things. still am.
man…i read and reread this. wish that it was a convo. some much that resonated. i am a seeker of resolution too. there are God ordained foundations in healthy relationships, cords that are elastic as we grow and change and screw up…which includes honesty. even about weaknesses. WHEN our motive lines up with The Written Word—to build up the other person.
good thoughts. loving what you wrote, how you think…and how willing you are to look in the “mirror” while listening to HIS voice. it’s what makes you an awesome friend.
now “i’m just thinking” too.
because when i woke up this morning…this came to mind about your post and questions;
imho and experience, our weaknesses are often the flip side of our strengths. what we are good at can both bite or bless. the bite comes with a do it yourself project and reveals the claws of the deceiver. the “strength” doesn’t “stay” a positive characteristic without it being Spirit led, breathed and controlled…for His purpose and glory.
think of your strengths, holding them up to His light… and He can reveal the flip side that deceiver wants to use against you.
When I read this it was like reading my own mind. I know we aren’t the same age and I’m guessing a person goes through this more than once but for the past year these thoughts have weighed on me intensely too. I would like to ask the friends I made at our last base to be honest with me and tell me what my weaknesses are as a friend. Ive thought of doing this many times and thought it was so neat that you had the same thought I’m not offended easily so I think it would help me… I think certain friends wouldn’t want to be put on that spot but others would b completely honest. Im reading and replying from my iPhone but the fear you mentioned about having some issue that you never see while going through life causing pain/annoyance in others… A big fear of mine too! Anyway, I love your thoughts and I hope that you got a little clearer perspective by writing about this.