January 15, 2013
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RWOTD {Twice}
You have all probably heard the old saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
But what does it mean? And how does it apply to the life of a follower of Jesus? How does forgiveness fit into the picture?
These are some questions that I have been thinking about.
We’ve all been “burned” by people in our lives. Someone who we thought could be trusted betrayed us. And we’ve probably been the betrayer a time or two as well.
Maybe you thought a relationship was built on certain foundations and then you realized that those foundations weren’t there at all…and that the whole thing was built on lies and misconceptions.
Just today I was talking with an acquaintance about an ex-boyfriend of her’s. She is trying to decide whether she should get back together with him. He has been pursueing her. It is flattering. He says he has changed. Should she believe him and take him back?
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
This is what I told her and something that I believe I have learned from personal experience. Unless a person can tell you WHY or WHAT has changed them (a specific experience, an encounter with God, an eye-opening wake up call), they probably haven’t changed. People can modify their behavior for a period of time to get what they want, but true change has a source that usually can be traced.
But, then, in the life of a Christian, where do wisdom and cautiousness collide with love and forgiveness and grace? And what does that look like?
Big questions. Elusive answers.
I know that one thing I need to keep in the fore-front of my mind is what grace that I have been shown. By God and by others. To remember the times that I have messed up and been in the wrong. Not with a sense of shame, but with a sense of realizing how vulnerable I am to making mistakes and how much I need HIS guidance. Always.
I don’t think that there is a cookie cutter answer. I am sure various situations are different. Maybe the history that you have with the person otherwise comes into play. I also believe that there are times God asks you to do something that is beyond your comfort zone and you need to obey. But I also believe that God gives us a sense of intuition and wisdom when it comes to tricky relationship situations. And I have learned to trust that as if He was speaking out loud to me. He gives us those intuitions for a reason and too many times I have second guessed my intuition and later regretted it.
But I am curious. What are your thoughts? Have you ever given someone a “second chance” and regretted it? Or have you been happy that you extended that gift of trust again, even when it felt scary?
Do you walk away from a relationship when you sense a pattern that is not healthy, or do you tend to stick it out in hopes that things change? What are some ground rules for building relationships after you have been “fooled” once?
And so…this is where the random word of the day {twice} led me in my thinking! Hopefully you followed along!
Comments (10)
I think as far as relationships like, boyfriend/girlfriend or marriages go it’s different than in any other kind of relationship. For example, in a marriage I think many times you have to and are obligated to by marital vows, go an extra step in offering forgiveness. (this is not counting abusive situations, that’s a totally separate thing). If it’s just a boyfriend girlfriend type of relationship, I agree with you. Unless they show you how or why they have changed, what has changed them, you’re under no obligation to get back with them. You can forgive them and remain friends but you are not obligated to renew that previous relationship. Does that make sense?
If people’s behaviors are destructive and have a destructive affect on your life, I think it is acceptable to offer true forgiveness without enmeshing your life with their life.
All that said, I think that when encountering other types of situations just ask what amount of grace you’d want people to extend to you, and offer that to others.
Audrey you really spoke to me with this post. I think this is one of the questions that dog me the most in my Christian life, and I love the way you phrased it, “But, then, in the life of a Christian, where do wisdom and cautiousness collide with love and forgiveness and grace? “ I wish I knew that answer. I think too often I want to be cautious, I don’t want to be played for the fool, I don’t want to be taken advantage of. It’s one thing to sacrifice one’s self for the good of another, but to do it knowing that the other person is only thinking of their own gain… that’s painful and it feels pointless. Sometimes I wish I could be blind to other people’s motivations and only act out of a heart that is yielded to the Lord.
I agree with a lot of what both Beth and April said.
I think that it’s wise to be cautious…especially in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship…because it can lead to marriage later on and then if the person really hasn’t changed, you’re stuck.
I think it goes both ways…sometimes it’s good to be cautious, but on the other hand, I like getting second chances. I guess it depends on the offense.
Good post Audrey.
Very good post, Audrey. I really enjoyed reading it.
I am kind of wrong on this issue in a way. If I find someone is difficult to be around, I just slowly distance myself. My wife on the other hand, is more confrontational.
I think that a potential spouse is so important in life that if one possible candidate shows too many weaknesses and shows no real change, it is better to have a good cry and move on.
Also, and I heard this on radio concerning cheating spouses–another subject. The speaker said that Christian spouses had to forgive according to the Bible, but old the Christian wife with a cheating husband, that he would have to agree to be avaiable 24/7. While forgiveness is required, the cheater has to re-earn trust. The speaker said if he did not agree to that, file for divorce.
In your friends case, I agree with you. Has he had a temporary behavior modification or really changed and how. Very good point.
frank
I like what you said about true change can be pinpointed to “why or what”. My husband is a pastor and we see it over and over especially with substance abuse. It can be very discouraging.
i totally followed along with this excellent post! i have many more questions than i have answers though, i must say. it’s so hard to trust when trust has been broken and a second chance is desired..
in my own experiences, i would say that i have done both walking away and sticking it out. i also would say that as a whole, i have found it better to stick it out and let the chips fall where they may and so many times, those relationships have a way of dissolving without having to ‘do’ anything to make that happen. if that makes sense?
great post Audrey. keep ‘em coming!
Forgiveness is granted; trust is earned.
Good thoughts here, and I really enjoyed the comments too. I really like what Beth said… A potential dating relationship is different than a marriage relationship, and a friendship is different than both of that. And it really does take the wisdom of God Himself in a difficult situation. To know when change is real, because I agree with you, there can be behavior modification for a time simply to get someone back. Forgiveness must be given at all times. However, I don’t necessarily think that means that we must continue in close relationship with them…
this would make a great discussion irl too. love this thought provoking post and comments. i feel like i followed you. oh yes. i’m sitting here wishing that i was primarily more of a write-it-out kinda person instead of finding it easier to be a talk-it-out-gal…such a flood of experiences and thoughts with this one, audrey!
those ARE big questions…and the answers can feel elusive. maybe because we all know that anything can be robed in righteousness. ugh. and sometimes i don’t even recognize my own motive until i see it in the rearview mirror. and what does scripture say about our hearts? ouch. without Him that is.
WITH Him… !!!
do you have The Message? galatians 5 and james 3. whoa. so living out the love applicable to individual situations (like the others said, marriage is different than friendships and so on) because the details are from HIM. what you said about learning to recognize and trust His voice. heavenly wisdom vs. earthly wisdom.
the need to forgive doesn’t depend on others or circumstances. period. unless you count recognizing my need of Him and His. what i learn doesn’t depend on those things either. He always has something for me. true and authentic relationships, even simple ones, have basic foundations. period. and if the other person doesn’t regard or show an interest in such…how can i have a relationship with them? maybe i’m offering a second chance…but they don’t want it on His terms. what beth said, my life will not continue to enmesh with theirs. there’s a reason that forgiveness doesn’t provide amnesia…i’m not sure that we are ever asked to love with our eyes shut.
as if i didn’t already write long enough…
james 5:16.