March 27, 2012
-
On Mothering & A.M. Battles
I glance at the clock on the dash as I drive the kids to school.
7:48 AM and I already feel like it has been a long day.
Mostly because of my precious little spit-fire of a 4 year old.
She woke up this morning crying, which is quite unusual. She said she had a bad dream about me being out on the deck of the pool with her and her Daddy was there too and he said she couldn’t swim.
I suppose that could be heart breaking?? If you really, really wanted to swim.
Before she even set about getting dressed (no dearie, you may not wear a sleeveless shirt by itself when it is freezing cold and windy outside, and yes, fine, you can wear that same leggings that you wore to bed last night, along with the skirt that you already wore yesterday afternoon because I don’t feel like fighting that battle…) we had a conversation about going to McDonald’s for breakfast. She wanted to go and wondered why we couldn’t. When I explained that we didn’t have time, she said why couldn’t her and I just go without the boys? Um…maybe because that would be completely impossible and unrealistic. McDonald’s is a 1/2 hour drive one way and we need to be leaving for school in a 1/2 hour.
Finally, in exasperation, she says to me “Well, Mom!! Maybe YOU’RE just not thinking about this right!”
We have breakfast (after much indecision, she decides that she wants a pancake. With ice cream. With no syrup, just butter. Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I won’t have butter and I will have syrup) and then I am getting the dishwasher emptied and lunches packed and getting my breakfast eaten, etc.
Finally, it is time to be out the door.
My hands are full with my lunch, my water bottle, some bars I was taking for the guys at work, and my purse.
The kids had all been sitting on the couch for probably 5 minutes, looking at books, and I assumed that everyone was ready to walk out, as they usually are.
I say “Time to go, kiddos” and I head for the door, only to find out that my dear daughter is wearing neither coat nor shoes. Yet.
I stand there, balancing the stuff I am holding, and wait for her to get her shoes on. That goes fairly well.
And then the drama begins. She is wearing a sweater/sweatshirt over her sleeveless summer top and does NOT want to put her coat on over her sweatshirt. I think that we #1) don’t have the time to take off sweatshirt and put coat on #2) it is very cold outside, so two layers would be good and #3) no need to carry the sweatshirt when she can just slip her coat on over it.
Well, apparently, this does NOT sit well with her highness. First, she refuses to put her coat on, saying that the hood of her sweatshirt feels funny when she puts her coat on.
I say “Just put your coat on! You can take it off once you get to school. Hurry! We’ve got to get going.”
I set down my stuff to help her with her coat, but she is pretty much throwing a royal fit.
This is where I pretty much get tunnel vision and it is a battle of the wills. I have asked her to do something. She is refusing.
It is super important? Maybe not. Except that now it is an obedience issue and no way am I going to take back my request of her.
Whose to say who is right? The point is…I am her Mother and she needs to learn to obey authority.
When situations get like this, I can not think of a single alternative, even though there may be one. I kind of shut down because I am trying SO hard not to do something wrong that I can’t think what would be the right thing to do.
I feel angry. I feel frustrated. But I don’t want to take it out on her.
So I get quiet.
Here is a list of things I didn’t do that would seem pretty tempting:
– Grab her roughly and MAKE her put that coat on.
–Speak to her in a super annoyed and irritated voice.
–Shame her into obeying. If that was even possible. Such as “You are OLD ENOUGH to not act like this.”
–Let her just have it her way.
But, I was thinking on the drive to town, during which I was mostly silent, about WHY situations like this make me so mad. I think it is just because I want things to go my way. I want things to be easy and smooth. I do not want to have to fight these silly battles and it just makes me frustrated and angry.
I used to get a lot more verbal and visibly irritated.
Now, I try very, very, very hard to not lose it.
But in doing so, I just clam up. I walked out the vehicle ahead of Nikki, who was crying because her “back pack was too heavy” (not true) and because the wind was blowing her hair in her face and she couldn’t see. (It was just one of those mornings where NOTHING in her world was going to go right!)
I turn into this stoic who maybe doesn’t lose it, but neither do I feel an ounce of compassion or something resembling love at that moment.
I don’t want to discuss it. I don’t want to hear any more about it. I just go into my own little world as a method of coping.
I was thinking “Is that how I want her to learn to handle problems? To just clam up as a way of not losing it. Is that really a lot better?”
And I was thinking how it can be like that in our spiritual lives too. Sometimes we are trying SO hard (often in our own power, sadly) to not do the WRONG thing that we forget to do the right thing.
So yeah, by 7:48 AM, I was feeling like I had already fought enough of battles for one day. I pondered. I prayed. I seethed a little.
And then I came to work and wrote. And I still don’t feel like I have much clarity or wisdom.
How would you handle a situation like this??
Comments (18)
oh goodness i found myself nodding over and over reading this saying “YES me too!” and some mornings this pg mommy is just in no state of mind to be in any sort of mood for this drama. I really have no answers for you. On good days I pride myself on my steller negotiation skills, on bad days, not so much. But for sure, this drama business is my least favorite, most challenging thing to date. And it’s something that happens most every day. makes me tired, mentally.
don’t look at me like i should have answers.
it totally depends on the day, as far as what will go down. sometimes it is amazing. sometimes it is shameful.
i do make a huge effort to head off a bad morning/day, if i see it starting. if one of my kids wakes up grumpy, (hugely unusual for them) i ask them to come help me in the kitchen, or snuggle with them on the couch and give them a back rub…some one on one time of some kind. often that will snap them out of it. i try several things, and if they still are crabby, the hammer drops. how? it varies. like i said.
don’t talk about school mornings today! it was def not the best one in this house. no big blow ups but almost everyone was edgy and grumpy and slow. A bit after 7:48 i went to get two of my boys out of bed that did not get up when i called them the first time. thankfully they don’t have to leave til 8:35. sometimes i wonder if i set the tone for the children. i was tired and late getting up myself.
i smile, i know exactly what you are feeling. . . . as for wisdom, i feel most days that i totally missed out on the good mommy manual. . . . my big thing right now is i want my boy/boys to know I LOVE them no matter what they do or how they are acting. this constant thought has helped me in my responses, at times!!
wow. no one comments? i guess NO ONE knows what to do.
i was thinking about this and since they are older, if they are being unreasonable, i will say,” you will NOT act like that. that is not polite and you must act polite.” amazingly enough, it often works.
no advice here. not after the drama we had tonight. she wanted me to back the van out so she could ride her bike. (speaking of cans, did i tell you our van is the spitting image of yours?) i was too tired, so i resisted. she promised me that i could come right back in and sit. so i extracted a promise that she would play outside for awhile in return for me doing that for her. she was only outside a few minutes, at most, and came in. I told her she had to stay outside because she had promised, and she refused. i insisted. she cried rebelliously. i punished. she cried even more defiantly. she did end up being outside for awhile, but she cried the whole time. then she informed me that today was a really bad day. and i really don’t know if i handled it right or not. {sigh}
no answers here! just do your best.
and it looks like you are. i can act annoyed with my kids way too quickly….
I probably would just get quiet. My husband tells them to go flush the grump’s or attitudes or drama or whatever bad stuff down the pot. They usually think its funny and snap out of it. Not sure its a good solution but sometimes there just aren’t solutions short of growing up. I don’t really know you and you are welcome to just delete this if you think its improper….
Ok, I’ll do it. I’ll give you the almighty wisdom of Liz since we are perfect over here in our house. Ha!
I just wouldn’t let her have the upper hand. She needs to respect you, and it’s ok for you to be firm. We as parents don’t always have to worry about hurting their feelings. It’s ok for them to feel shame over what they have done. I don’t think parents should be mean or demeaning, that’s never right….but it’s ok for a child to feel bad about the wrong they have done.
That’s all I have right now. It’s late. I’m tired.
Happy Tuesday Audrey. =)
Audrey – I am right there with you, down to the 4 year old girl who knows how to push my buttons on busy mornings.
@mlt10202002 - Lisa – I agree with your idea of taking time for the child. The problem is HOW do I make time when we’re trying to leave & here comes the dramatic little girl? What if we’re going to miss the bus stop & then need to drive an extra 15 min. to school? You asked why nobody is commenting? I have a feeling that the people who aren’t commenting would spank.
There…I said the awful word. And that is such a taboo subject, so
nobody’s going to give that advice.
@Esther_lynn - yes, so much of my children’s grumps or drama is because I didn’t get up in time & therefore don’t have the time to spend when these situations come up.
o my word. this sounds all too real-to-life. been there, done that so many times i can’t count.
how i’d handle it?
ha. as if i’ve mastered it!
i agree with you that it so often becomes a matter of willfulness and how to handle that when you are the parent….seems there’s no one cover-it-all answer. each situation is different and each child is definitely different. i’m trying hard, very hard to not lose my cool in these kind of situations too…but, doggonit if they don’t usually pick the very worst of times to act out these kind of shenanigans!
spankings? o yes. sometimes, i have come to find that it’s practically what my kids are begging me for! i know that sounds so stupid, but seriously. there are times when if we just get that step out of the way, the whole attitude changes and the day goes much better. however, i hate to spank so much that i sometimes end up using it as a last resort and i don’t think that i’m saving myself or them any time and or favors by that approach. my husband and i often *discuss* (ahem) about how if a child doesn’t obey instantly, and has to be told more than once that they are DISobeying. how do you handle that one? i know…i’m totally rambling here. the older my kids get and the older i get, the less answers i have for this parenting thing. i’m actively seeking advice from a mother whose children i greatly admire and respect…..they have taken the ‘high road’ on many a child-training issue and yet i look at their kids versus their peers and i marvel and realize that that road pays off if we’re willing to walk it.
anyhow.
will have to come back and see what else is said here…
@foreveranoatneygirl_n2Hisown - what is the “high road?” i really want more details. because i have a sinking feeling my nagging and reminding is the low road.
well my mom didn’t put up with any sassy grumpy attitude. I was expected to respect and obey the first time. At the first appearance of an attitude or disobedience there was a punishment (usually spanking) and it definitely got me to change immediately because I knew I would get another if I didn’t change….and now I’m all grown up and from what it looks like worked with me
@mlt10202002 - i don’t exactly know. and, i ‘m not sure that there is a pattern that they followed that they can tell me about. but, i do know that their kids were/are some of the most well behaved i’ve ever seen. and, i’ve seen them as parents stand alone on a lot of issues, and keep their kids out of a lot of things when every one else is doing it…..make sense?
Good discussion here girls. I Really appreciate the input!
I’ll be back…my phone is about to die.
well, i don’t plan on winning mother of the year, but i have dealt some with female emotions and DRAMA!!
so just my thoughts.. what i think i would do in that situation – -
just let her go to the car w/out her coat. more than likely, by the time she gets there, she’ll be wanting it on.
maybe i’m a bad mom that way. but if my kids don’t want to wear coats, hats, gloves, etc. i dont’ push it…
i usually secretly stick a few in my purse, if we’ll be out in the cold for long.
so, when they start complaining about the cold. which they will!
i ask if they wish they had maybe put on their coat, or grabbed their gloves?
then. maybe whip out the ones i brought and say something like, “good thing mom knows best about this sort of thing…”
i’m like you. i used to spazz out way too easily and way too often over things.
and i do still feel that way alot inside – - so it’s not like i’m all mature and laid back –
rather. i’m learning, and, oh, so slowly.. that some things just aren’t worth the fight.
and i think we need to take circumstances into consideration –
like in your case, it WAS early in the morning. and she IS four!
i get when it becomes an obedience thing. and only you as a mom know that line.
but no doubt in my mind – the kind of mom i know you to be.. your kids will turn out just fine.
whether or not they always wore their coats when you told them to or not.
i understand, and boy do i ever, how we just constantly second guess ourselves though, don’t we?
whether we’re being too strict or too lenient…
and whether a decision we made didn’t just totally screw them up for the rest of their lives!!
ugg. this parenting thing isn’t for wimps!
hugs to you friend. and i’m rushing to write this because now this computer is about to die.
ha – first the phone!!;)
but hope this doesn’t sound all preachy. or like i even know what i’m talking about.
just winging it along – like most of us! right.
xo.
Do you live at my house?
I agree with grace_to_be. Sometimes when we let them make their own choices (and it IS cold) they figure out the next time that “o maybe I do want a coat”.
The other thing that I have found works is that evening while I tuck my girls into bed I bring up what took place that morning and ask them what they were feeling. And then ask them if they want to know what I was feeling. I want them to understand and recognize that their feelings count and are important BUT when they behave like that is is stressful and hurtful to others as well. One child always had a big deal about clothing; so we pick out clothes the night before. Big deal about breakfast…. I asked her if she wanted to pick it out the night before as well? She didn’t and when I said “well one more round like this and you will” the breakfast drama ended? (well now we fight about where to sit!)
I think I would rather have a child who understands that feelings (both theirs and others) matter and are important as apposed to a child who jumps everytime I yell. Not that obedience isn’t important but on some level obedience isn’t everything either? Also I want my kids to be able to make descions – good and/or bad. And understand that even if it was a bad choice – its ok. Next time we do better? I see teenagers who wait on others to make choices for them and that bothers me.
Give yourself credit for being a good parent. By the time we have it figured out we will be grandparents! And yeah. Most days I feel like I am winging it!
I know I don’t comment often but I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas!