April 14, 2011

• RWOTD {Difference}

  I have been mulling my “random word of the day” over in my head for about a day now.  I am finding that my thoughts on this word are many and run deep.
  
  I feel like so many times, among women, we allow our differences to tear us apart or to threaten us and bring out our insecurities, instead of looking at our differences as a strength.
  
  How does that saying go?  “Different isn’t wrong or right, it is just different.”

  
  
  Yet how often we criticize and judge another person because it makes us feel better about ourselves and our way of doing things. Instead of saying “OK, this person does things differently, what can I learn from them?” we want to judge and put them in a box. Or just stay away from them because their differences make us uncomfortable.
  
  Now, I am probably like the rest of you…I love a good friend with whom I have a lot in common. Similar personality, similar interests, similar ways of raising our kids.  Those people, who, when in conversation, you find yourself often nodding your head in agreement and saying “Oh, totally!” or “That’s exactly how I feel too!”
  
  Most of my friends over the years have been quite similar to me in a lot of ways. And I love that. There is a feeling of kinship and like we “get” each other.
  
  But I am learning about how MUCH I can learn from someone who is very different from me. If both of us are secure enough in who we are in Christ to not be threatened by the way in which the other person is “better/different” than we are in certain areas.

  
  

  Take my good friend Lisa, for instance.  

  We are about as different as night and day.
  
  She is about to have her 4th baby and cannot imagine ever getting to the place where she doesn’t want another one…I have never been a “baby person” and am so grateful to be done with that stage of my life.
  
  She is gracious and thinks before she speaks…I blurt things out without thinking them through.
  
  I am into music…she is not.
  
  She is one of the most unselfish people that I know…I struggle so much with my own selfishness.
  
  She is a full time stay at home Mom and loves it…I work part time and would feel clausetropobic if I was always home.

  I am very organized and scheduled…she is more of a “just roll with it” kind of girl. I admire that!
  
  She has this incredible, natural, deep love for her children, such as I have rarely seen…I have had to really work to feel that depth of love for my kids, and still struggle with this.
  
  I tend to be controlling…she is happy to follow the leader.
  
  I need lots of friends…Lisa’s family is the center of her life and friends are on the outskirts.
  
  I am usually on time…she would tend to be late.
  
  Getting time away with just Jeremy and I (on a regular basis) is really important to me…Lisa would usually prefer to hang out as a family.
  
  I love to talk on the phone…she prefers to text.
  
  She’s got this great sense of style…I’m pretty much clueless.
  
  I am uptight…she is relaxed.
  
  I admire her greatly.  I have seen so much of Jesus in her and she has been such an inspiration to me.  
  
  Imagine if I would have thought that she was “too different” from me to be close friends with. Instead of feeling threatened by the fact that I believe she is much more patient than I am, more calm, more unselfish, and a better Mother…why not just allow myself to be challenged by those qualities in her life and learn from her, instead of running from the relationship because I feel like I “don’t measure up?”  And maybe there are some things she can learn from me along the way too.
  
  We do have some similarities that maybe helped to draw us together…we both love to read, we are both major analyzers, and we both have a heart for God.  We are both passionate about things that we believe in.

  
  
  We often tend to marry someone who is very different from us. Hence the saying “Opposites attract.”
  
  When I look at Jeremy and I, I can see that the saying definitely holds true.  We have this desire to walk through life with someone who is what we are not.  Who can balance us out.  Yes, this also leads to some of the conflict in marriage, but overall it is a good thing.
  
  I can learn so much from my husband and his patient ways.  His heart for helping others. His calmness and easy-going-ness.  
  
  
  I wrote about this exercise once before on my blog, but since I find it to be very fascinating, I will put it on here again.
  
  Step #1 – Think of 3 people that you really admire
  
  Step #2 – Think of a quality that they all have in common
  
  Step #3 – Most likely that quality is something that you want to grow in or that you see a lack of in your own life and you aspire to be more like those people you admire.
  
  

  I am reading this book (just happened to pick up yesterday, AFTER I had the word “difference” on my mind) called “Dare to be yourself.”  It was recommended by someone on Xanga once upon a time and was sitting on my “un-read books” bookshelf. Now I am very intrigued by it.
  
  Here are some quotes from book that really struck me when thinking about differences.
  
  “When we find a sense of calm at our center, we can reach out to express ourselves honestly.”
  
  “Find yourself by recognizing what gives YOU pleasure, what makes YOU feel good, what makes YOU feel comfortable, what brings YOU delight. Your inner light is revealed. The act of separating yourself from what is phony, pretentious or trendy opens wide doors to reveal the real you.”
  
  “Most of us were raised to conform to other people’s standards and not to be conspicuous. Yet when we conform we can feel uncomfortable.”
  
  “Ease, confidence, and grace build as you begin to define appropriateness – not what others think and feel is right for you, but what is your unique honesty.”
  
  
  I cannot go through this post without ONCE AGAIN recommending this set of sermons by Greg Boyd.
  
  Because I think the link between insecurity and being threatened by others differences (maybe that we perceive as “better-ness”) is solved one way, and one way only.
  
  That is by understanding who we are in Christ.  Not trying to be like anyone else or getting our worth from what others think of us or from comparing ourselves to others and feeling superior because “Well, I would never do THAT!”  We live our lives out of a fullness that we already have in Christ, instead of out of an emptiness which we try to fill by what others think of us or by judging others.
  
  (Here’s the link again…GREG BOYD SERMONS    Go to the sermon dated 4/14/02 and listen to that one and the next 7 sermons by Greg Boyd.  I’m telling you…they will rock your world!)

  
  

   

  I keep thinking of the word “grace” when it comes to talking about differences. I want someone else to extend grace to me in my differences the way that I hope I extend grace to them. If we can embrace our uniqueness and our differences instead of feeling threatened by them in each other, what a happier, more helpful existence we will all share.  How much could we learn from each other?!
  
  

   

  We all have our insecurities.  But what if, at least in some cases, we learned to flip those around into a good thing. Its all about perspective, right?
  
  Here is one of mine…I cannot decorate to save my life. I have almost no creativity when it comes to decorating. I suck at it.  And then I go online or I go to other people’s houses and I see all of the beauty that they have created in their world and I can start to feel like “What is wrong with me? Am I not all woman…that I don’t like to create or make my house beautiful?”
  
  Its not that I am not creative at all.  I can be in other areas.  And I am learning that what I am really passionate about and where I am more creative is in relationships.  
  
  Is that a bad thing? Is that “less” than? Maybe only in my own mind.  
  
  Here is another way to look at it…maybe someone else who struggles with not being good at decorating comes over to my house and feels relieved or comforted by the fact that my house isn’t quite so nicely decorated. Maybe it makes them feel more at home and less intimidated?  Who knows?  
  
  I am not down-playing how nice it is to walk into a beautifully decorated home, where there is the spirit of warmth, and I am happy that God has given many women this special gift, but maybe its OK to accept that it is not MY gift. God didn’t create me with that particular talent.  
  
  Instead of focusing on what I can’t do…focus on what I can do.  What talents HAS God given me that I can use for His glory?  Use those for good instead of getting bogged down in what I “am not.”

  
  
  
  How do we teach our children to embrace their differences?  To “dare to be themselves.” I would imagine that, like many others things, modeling this for them ourselves is probably the best way to teach them. And not forcing them to be someone they are not.
  
  If your 8 year old son doesn’t want to play softball, then don’t make him feel bad because he doesn’t want to.  If you want him to get his hair cut really short because summer is coming and he wants to keep it long, honor his preference. (That just happened yesterday!)  If one kid likes to draw but another likes to play soccer, let them each do their own thing.  Help them to honor the strengths that God blessed them with.
  
  And then do that same thing with your friends.  Compliment them in areas where you notice they are doing well.  Encourage them in areas where they struggle. Empathize when you can.  Be real. Be sincere.
  
  But most of all…be yourself.
  
  Embrace your differences and learn from each other.
  
  It really IS the best way to live!  (and I am preaching this to myself just as much as to anyone else!)

  • 10:39 am
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