Thursday, 13 September 2012
I will see if I can write what is on my heart.
Sometimes I have these thoughts all spinning around in my head and they make a lot of sense and seem very connected, and then when I sit down to try to write them out, it feels like I don't know where to start and I wonder if it will come out sounding as cohesive as it feels in my brain.
But I shall try.
As a lot of you know, yesterday I had a terrible morning with my kids. I felt like I failed. I felt regret and I felt sadness.
The rest of that story is what I want to write about.
I posted that blog yesterday morning because a lot of times, when I am feeling something deeply, writing it out really helps me to get perspective and also helps me to move past whatever I am dealing with.
I shared it with all of you, because, even though it felt really vulnerable, I have a goal to be an honest and open person. Whether on my blog or in conversation or the way I live out my life. And sometimes being honest feels scary and vulnerable.
This may seem like a rabbit trail coming up here, but it is not. Trust me!
We are studying the book of James in our community group/Bible study right now. The very first part of the first chapter of James talks about trials and about how our faith and perseverence can grow through trials and how good can come of them.
We were challenged to think about how God can bring good out of those low times in our lives and how God can leverage those times for growth in our lives and for His glory.
I said these very words on Tuesday night at community group. "I think that one of the ways low spots in our lives can be used for good is that it gives us an opportunity to show humility, by asking others for help and for prayer, etc. And, it also gives other people an opportunity to be a blessing and speak into our lives and give to us as we walk through these difficult things." Not realizing how soon I would be able to put this into practice in my own life, even in a small way.
Yesterday morning, I wrote that blog, hit "Publish" and then wondered if I had been a bit too honest. What if people judged me? What if people thought I was a terrible Mom? What if someone wrote something hurtful on my blog comments?
Instead of any of that happening, I just want to tell you all how much you lifted me up yesterday!!
I had a hard morning. I was feeling discouraged. I knew that I had failed my kids (especially Kendall).
YOU all were SUCH a huge blessing to me yesterday, and I just wanted to thank my friends for the way that they encouraged me and walked beside me and just plain down cared.
Not only did a number of people leave encouraging notes on my Facebook post and my blog (I appreciated every one and the wisdom and love they contained), but I also had a friend text me as soon as she read my blog, I had phone conversations with two friends and when I saw my friend Karlee around lunch time, one of the first things she asked me is if my day was going better by now, and another friend said to me "Now you know some things you can do differently. Tomorrow will be better. You'll be prepared." and then offered some helpful advice about maybe waking my kids up earlier to allow for more time to get ready. They listened to me and didn't make me feel stupid when I started to tear up in the re-telling of how my morning went.
My heart felt SO much lighter. I picked up my kids from school. I had brought a little treat along for them to eat, as someone suggested. I chatted with the kids while we drove to Derrick's doctor appointment, and when we pulled in the parking lot there, I stopped and turned around to Kendall and apologized for how I had gotten upset with him that morning.
After I said I was "Sorry" and explained what I had done wrong, he came up and his chin quivered a little and then he gave me a huge grin and hugged me and said "I forgive you, Mom!"
Then, after we got home, we went through his dresser (as another friend had suggested) and put all his fall/winter stuff in there and pulled out some sweatshirts he liked and just got to spend some time hanging out together.
And this morning was SO much better. I was happy, the kids were happy, and everything went well. I resolved to not repeat the mistakes of yesterday.
I just wanted to share all of this as an example of how, when you are surrounded by truly great friends and people who care, being honest and vulnerable and being willing to admit your mistakes can be really freeing and worthwhile. I think sometimes what stops me from sharing is that I don't want to be a drama queen. I know everyone has a bad morning sometimes. I don't want people to think that they need to just build me up or that I am seeking attention when I write something like that. All of those things can keep up from being authentic and honest. And I think that is a shame.
I am continuing to learn that people don't necessarily need our advice on how they could have done something better and they sure don't need our negativity or our criticism or our harshness. Especially when they already know full well what they did wrong and are beating themselves up for it already. Showing love doesn't mean we never speak the truth to a friend, but if we DO feel led to speak the truth, then it MUST be in love for it to be effective!
I am a better person today because of the encouragement and love that you guys showed me yesterday and today! I feel encouraged as a Mom. I feel like "I can do this!" I feel lifted up. I feel inspired to continue to be that person for other's when they are having a rough day or a rough time in their lives.
And I just wanted to tell you "Thank You" from the bottom of my heart!! And to encouarge you to take that extra minute to write a note, make that phone call when a friend is or your mind, or send that encouraging text to just say "Hey, I'm here with you. I understand and I care." You never know how much of a difference you will make!!
PS -- I still feel like my words an inadequate to express what I am feeling and how it is all connected in my head, but I hope at least some of it comes through in what I wrote.