March 21, 2013
-
{Grace}
I am broken and flawed.
Trying to decide how much of that to show to people at times feels like a dance of terror.
I want to be perfect. I want to get it all right.
Yet I am so far from that. Discouragement is one of the enemy’s most effective tools to use against me. Feeling isolated and alone in my struggles is another.
My counsellor told me recently that we are all “terminally unique” until we start sharing our story with others. Let me tell you, being vulnerable and sharing your struggles takes courage. Maybe it comes naturally to some people, but I hit a certain point of openness and then I just want to shut down.
I want to keep my own secrets just that — secrets.
The antidote is simple but so profound.
GRACE.
I can tell you that the relationships in my life that are most meaningful and sacred to me are the ones that are full of grace. Its the things that seem little, really. Facial expressions that show love and understanding instead of not-so-carefully-masked-as-you-think horror when I admit that thing that I did or thought the other day. It is a spirit within the conversation in general…when the conversation is full of judgment towards others, you can bet those judgments towards me aren’t going to be the exception. Its a willingness to ask me about it later. To not be afraid of my issues or give the impression that my “disease” might somehow rub off on you.
What is one of the best ways to allow someone else to be vulnerable with you? It is to first be vulnerable with them. But when you try that and you get the cold shoulder or the look of horror or something in your relationship shifts slightly after you are a bit too honest, does it really make you want to go back for more of that? Not me.
These are things I am working through. I know that my identity isn’t in what “so and so” thinks of me. But it still hurts when you feel like you are being punished for being honest and vulnerable.
I am struggling to learn how to be more vulnerable. I have been hurt recently and I am realizing that it did more damage than I orignally thought. Healing from that has been an on-going process.
I spent some time with a friend this past weekend and she just glows with grace. She makes me feel like I can be me…ugliness and all. And it is a gift. Such a gift.
I asked her how she learned to be so vulnerable with others and to show such grace.
She looked me in the eye and said “Its really very simple. When you’ve gotten to a place where you have messed up so much that you really don’t have any image to keep up, you’ll find yourself being more honest and open. When you don’t care what people think so much, you will allow them to take or leave you. If someone is not ok with your honesty and vulnerability, then you don’t invest a lot of time there.”
Life just seems to me to be full of one paradox after another and this is another one of them.
We need to be soft hearted and not become calloused or jaded, but yet we need to be strong enough that it doesn’t define us when others reject us.
I feel like I have so much more to say about this, but like many other times, I struggle to find the words to write it down.
This is just a part of what is swirling around in my never-stops-thinking brain!
Comments (12)
tears. perfectly what i needed to read right.this.very.moment.
i really like this. this: “Maybe it comes naturally to some people, but I hit a certain point of openness and then I just want to shut down.” that could describe me so perfectly right now. i used to be a little more open, a little more vulnerable, but i am at a place right now that i don’t feel most people i know would understand. i can’t talk honestly about some of the bigger adversities we are facing right now without feeling like i’d be talking bad about some people, and i don’t want to do that. somehow i’ve just started shutting down and not letting people too close because i don’t want to feel the judgment. but it’s not doing me any favors, so i know i need to break out of this…
i can identify with pretty much every word here.
This: “when the conversation is full of judgment towards others, you can bet those judgments towards me aren’t going to be the exception… to not be afraid of my issues…”
And this: “We need to be soft hearted and not become calloused or jaded, but yet we need to be strong enough that it doesn’t define us when others reject us.”
These are beautiful, powerful words, Audrey! WOW. I soaking it in, agreeing… having felt both grace and rejection. And wanting to be like that woman of grace you described… That such beautiful femininity, such tenderness and strength all in one.
xoxo
ahhhh.
this
is a beautiful post! because grace is a breathtaking, life changing, beautiful gift!
When you’ve gotten to a place where you have messed up so much that you
really don’t have any image to keep up, you’ll find yourself being more
honest and open. When you don’t care what people think so much, you
will allow them to take or leave you.
Good thoughts! Being vulnerable is something I’ve learned makes a friendship close. It’s not easy being a person like that and it’s SO easy to get judged at times but you just gotta keep going and not care what people think of you. Something I’m still learning. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Lately I berate myself for being so open… yet I have quit sharing so much in the past two years… you know what i’m going through, it’s so personal… i have been wanting to blog about certain thigns but i’m not sure how. Anyway, I just GET your post and I love when you write and I LOVE you to death! I want to come see you and paint whatever you want and have lots of conversations that would never really have an ending.
“We need to be soft hearted and not become calloused or jaded, but yet we need to be strong enough that it doesn’t define us when others reject us. “
The things you write…. I find myself going back and reading AGAIN….
Have you ever considered writing a book of revelations and quotes? I could do the mixed media artwork for it…
It could be like a hallmark gift book, you know?
this part: when the conversation is full of judgment towards others, you can bet
those judgments towards me aren’t going to be the exception….yes, this is true. and, as you said, the antidote is Grace.
i think i would really enjoy a conversation with you one-on-one about this. much of what you said about being hurt, and wanting to withdrawal, etc. resonates loud and clear with me.
and, yet.
i believe that God’s acceptance of me is not based on my performance. but, sometimes, i actually lose sight of that.
but, that is really how i want to live me life; accepting people no matter what and not expecting them to perform a certain way before i do that.. it is because of HIS Grace that i am even mildly worth anything to another. were it not for Grace….wow. it’s just so pivotal for me.
and, my ‘word’ for the year is *acceptance*. something that i am finding takes a lot, ALot of Grace.
thanks for sharing this Audrey!
I’m may not express this very well, but I think part of learning to be okay with who we are, warts, ugliness and all, is in accepting ourselves as God does. We may as well acknowledge those things because He already knows all about them. He loves us anyway and still wants to be our friend and heavenly Father and help us to grow in grace and knowledge.
The more we study and obey God’s word and accept his love for us, the more comfortable we will become at accepting ourselves as we are. The more we follow his word and his leading, the easier it becomes to allow him to help us change those things that we don’t like. As we do this, over time we will care less about what others think or say about us. God is the one who will lead us to Heaven and it is his opinion of us that matters. Knowing in our heart that he is pleased with us is the best confidence giver there is.
Perhaps, too, the more we share our warts, struggles, and hurts with God, the less we need to share with others. Jesus was rejected here on earth, by his own family and friends, as well as the Pharisees and others. He knows exactly how we feel. He knew his father’s will for him and continued to obey and honor his father regardless of the rejection. Yes, he set the bar high. But, oh, the rewards that come with obedience!
Some of this probably comes easier with age. You get to a point where you begin to see that what others think or say just isn’t important in the overall plan of life. Yes, things still hurt, but I think you see the hurt in a different way. It helps to turn us all the more to the Lord instead of causing us to want to withdraw.
I have felt the same way many times. I have had more hurts and rejection from people in the church than anywhere else. I think it hurt more coming from those I thought trusted and loved me. I didn’t immediately turn everything over to God. But the more I contemplated the fact that God already knew all of the hurt and ugliness inside me because of what happened, the more I realized I needed to acknowledge that to myself. As I did and turned to him, I felt his forgiveness and a greater desire to live the way he wanted me to. I was finally able to forgive those who hurt me.
Not sure, like I said, if I’ve expressed this very well, but God knows your pain. He loves you, your friends love you, and if we could, we’d lift your load. We’ll be praying for you that you will come through this with your relationship with Christ strengthened and that others will see his love because of it. You are precious in his sight!
Really, really good thoughts. So very true. I’ll prob. be back to read them again…
everytime i read this, i feel like i’m just soaking in something precious. because i am. that friend that you mentioned just glowing with GRACE? i have those in my life too. and you are one of them. a gift for sure.
This is really beautiful!