March 20, 2012
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I’m still me…
Sometimes I figure out what I am going to write and then I write it.
And sometimes I write so that I can figure out what I am thinking.
This post falls in the latter category.
Recently, some old photos of me have surfaced online.
Ok, fine. I posted them. Nothing super secretive about that, I guess!
They are from my wedding day.
February 13, 1999.
I was 20 years old. Today I am ____ years old. You do the math!
Jeremy and I.
My two brothers and I. Joe is all grown up now! And so is Loren. (Ha, ha)
But here is what these photos and my discussions with people about them has brought up in my mind.
Am I the same girl as I was back then?
People look at this picture and they can hardly even see the “current” me in it.
I totally can.
Because I lived it. I was there. This is who I saw when I looked in the mirror.
And I knew who I was inside and that girl is still largely the same as the 20 year old on her wedding day.
I have always been outgoing. I have never been super tactful. I have always like to laugh and have fun. I have always smiled a lot. I have never had a lot of fear about new situations. I always have made friends easily. I have always been stubborn. I have always said things that I regret and made too many inpulsive decisions.
So when I look at that girl, I just see me.
What you can’t see when you look at pictures of me, whether then or now, is what is going on underneath the surface.
You can’t see that the same struggles I had back then are still the struggles that I tend to fight today. You can’t see that the insecurites that would have bothered me then are still the insecurities that, deep down, I still fight at times today. You can’t see that this girl adored and respected her Dad greatly and still does. You can’t see that this girl had already dealt with heartbreak and that she had trust issues because of it. You can’t tell that this girl, for all her plain ways and the strict rules that governed her life…had almost no relationship with God.
You can look at her and think you know something about her because of this picture. But you really don’t.
Just the same way you might look at this girl ^^ and think you know something about her. You really don’t.
You don’t know her motives. You don’t know her heart. You don’t know the private battles that she faces and the tears that she cries when no one is looking.
You don’t know the struggles she has. The weariness she feels at times. And you certainly can’t look at her and judge where her relationship with God might be. You don’t know the ways that she has grown and the hard things she has gone through to get to that point. You don’t know her journey and her story and her fears. You don’t know who she trusts without a doubt and who she is leery of. You don’t know what goes on inside of her head.
Sure, she can tell you things about herself. She can choose to share with you her struggles and her fears. She can let you in and invite you to walk beside her and help her along. She can try her best to be honest and genuine and real.
But there is always a part of her that you won’t fully know. I think all of us as humans experience a sense of lonliness, to a greater or lesser degree.
Because no matter how many kindred spirits I find and no matter how much I love them and love that they understand me so well, there is always this part of me that no one quite “gets”. I can try to explain it with a thousand words and at the end of it all, the battle is still mine to fight. The struggle I may have is still intensely personal. My relationship with God is between Him and I and I have to figure it out with His help.
I found this quote that I think kind of describes what I am trying to say “We are born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for a moment that we are not alone.”
Only God really “gets” us and I think we need to “get” (seek) Him to understand that He is trying to tell us about ourselves. I have been and am a person who tends to go to people when I am in trouble. To go to people for help and guidance and insight. Because I so badly just want someone to tell me what to think and what to do.
Yes, it is great to have friends who help you process life and walk with you and will listen and care, but sometimes I think that the reason God made us all unique and different and put in us that feeling of lonliness is to draw us closer to Himself. To give us that craving for Someone who understands us fully, Someone who always understands, always cares and always listens.
I told you I was writing to figure out what I thought about this, and this post came out totally different than I expected.
So maybe what I have been feeling and trying to put my finger on is this.
You can look at a picture of me from 13 years ago and wonder who that girl was? But you can also see me today and think you know me and that you’ve got me figured out because of your perception of me or because of what I look like.
And I’m the same girl. Yes, I have hopefully grown. I’ve been through some things that have altered my life and I have changed me mind on many things and I continue to seek and turn my face towards the beacon of Truth.
But its still me. When I look at those two pictures I don’t see two very different people. I just see me. The face in the mirror. The heart that is full of all my life experiences and thoughts and emotions and love.
The girl who fundamentally is not that different than she was 13 years ago. She still just wants love and acceptance and to be understood. For who she was then and who she is now.
And it just serves to remind me that I also don’t know people around me fully. I don’t understand them fully. I can’t judge the motives of their hearts and I really don’t need to. I just need to show them love and acceptance and try to offer understanding for who they are now and the journey that has brought them to this place. I need to allow them the chance to grow and to change and not assume they haven’t or won’t. I need to offer a safe place to rest and a heart that is open to trying to meet them where they are.
Its the least I can do.
Comments (20)
oh man, i love this. LOVE it. I think you nailed it completely. Esp. the part about loneliness, that that is what God uses to draw us to himself. If we find people whom we feel understand and get us perfectly, then what need to we have for God, ya know? Good stuff. I’m prly gonna come back and re-read a few times.
And it just serves to remind me that I also don’t know people around me fully. I don’t understand them fully. I can’t judge the motives of their hearts and I really don’t need to. I just need to show them love and acceptance and try to offer understanding for who they are now and the journey that has brought them to this place. I need to allow them the chance to grow and to change and not assume they haven’t or won’t. I need to offer a safe place to rest and a heart that is open to trying to meet them where they are.
This is so true! The older I get, the more I understand how little I know of others, and how convicted I feel for my judgemental attitudes in the past. We are all on a journey and who am I to judge another person’s journey..
Just recently I remembered my CBS (Calvary Bible School) days again and almost got embarrassed about who I was back then. But then I thought about how grateful I am for the work God has done in my life since then. And I bet I’m not the only one who thinks back to her Bible School days with at least a few regrets. Good stuff, Audrey.
love this post. LOVE. but first i gotta tell ya. *trying to explain myself* you know me.
i blogged yesterday…yet another unpublished post. and while the subject was different…the point is very similiar. at least in my head it is. i was thinking how 43 years ago most people in my life now would have fought FOR me back then. emphatically declaring that every person is insanely precious. valuable. regardless of age and location and another’s inconvenience. right? isn’t that what being pro-life is about? the WORTH of another human being? !
so what i was writing yesterday was…when does that change?
like…how long are we really pro-life? beyond the unborn infant. really. pro-life.
your last paragraph is pro-life even beyond the womb. love that.
all that to say…i’m still me. that’s what i was thinking. then. and just like now. with all of my changing and growing and learning…this, what you said. that’s what i was feeling too…”The girl who fundamentally is not that different than she was… years ago. She still just wants love and acceptance and to be understood. For who she was then and who she is now.”
I keep coming back to this, thinking about what I want to say, and I can’t quite find the words, but it’s a really good post.
every so often I am blessed to get a glimpse into lives around me, good or bad and it always serves to remind me that I have no right to judge what i think i see or know…i will never know someone that closely and two that really looking around at my church community and my greater city community that so often i do NOT know what is going on behind what i assume their story is. that is such a good reminder for me not ot judge, i find myself on that journey way too much and am always so blessed that God allows me those looks, even though i’m less then deserving. but i totally also get what you say about having that lonely place where you are only truly known by Him and that longing for full knowing and unloneliness can only be found in him, but its so hard for me cause i want something tangible, something now, something i can see, feel and touch…but i do know he’s there and i know he can fill this void for me, its just a long and winding journey of coming to actually want it in life and not just thinking about it. thank you for sharing this.
Good post! I’m right there with you when it comes to wanting to go to people when I’m in trouble for help and advice instead of God. God lots of times, is the last one I want to talk it out with, sad to admit.
On another point you mentioned….
The girl who fundamentally is not that different than she was 13 years
ago. She still just wants love and acceptance and to be understood.
For who she was then and who she is now.
I read a quote awhile back that went something along these lines…inside every woman is still that little girl that wants to be loved and understood…how true I’ve found that to be as I’ve gotten older. Inside the hardest of hearts is still that little girl.
some really great thoughts here. thanks for sharing!
You packed so much powerful truth in this post, Audrey. So much.
That I still struggle with the same things I did back then …. yes
That I used to go to people when struggling when really, no one can fight that battle except me. And God is the only One who can really carry me through it … yes!
That you can’t know the girl … not her heart, not her motives, her dreams, her pain, her relationship with God by just looking at her …. yes.
Only you put it all so eloquently.
And sometimes I write so I can figure out what I was thinking? I so get that!
This is good. I especially related to the part about how even though we might have friends and kindred spirits galore, there are times when the loneliness overwhelms us and we are driven to realize that apart from God, there is no one who truly KNOWS us.
And I don’t feel different than I did when I was 20 either. So much for maturity, eh?
I love your words here. So much insight.
I get this post so much. I feel so stronglyabout not judging a book by its cover. What you said about yourself being conservative but not having a relationship with God. I have such longing for my more conservative days, because I know how close I felt to God back then.
This was so powerful.
I had to stop reading and remove myself from this…I wasn’t in a place to have a good cry. You brought up some valuable points here, and they took me back. to who i was. HOW is it that I can still have those negative thoughts that are oh, SO old, STILL take over my soul?! Partly because those who caused so much pain and doubt are in my life now, more than ever. I know God wants to clean and heal wounds. Most people around me have no idea what turmoil is lurking behind my face and chest, the turmoil that was planted when I was teeny. I do believe people can change, and that’s the hope I cling to. You are a fabulous, wonderful girl and I treasure you, without even knowing you.
@down_onthefarm - I love you bunches, Cindy!
@Richgem - i’m feeling the love. lots of it!
you too.
What an excellent post Audrey. I love what you said about loneliness and our need to be perfectly understood, being the thing that draws us to Him. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it in that way before, but it’s so true and important.
“And it just serves to remind me that I also don’t know people around me
fully. I don’t understand them fully. I can’t judge the motives of their
hearts and I really don’t need to. I just need to show them love and
acceptance and try to offer understanding for who they are now and the
journey that has brought them to this place. I need to allow them the
chance to grow and to change and not assume they haven’t or won’t. I
need to offer a safe place to rest and a heart that is open to trying to
meet them where they are.”
That last paragraph really hit me hard, I’ve made those mistakes, I’ve been that person looking on and making assumptions… I don’t want to be that girl. Audrey you challenge me in ways I need to be challenged! Thank you for that
I love being able to listen to your thought processes. Keep it up!
Yes. Appearances just do not tell the whole story. Thank you for this post.
I came here on a recommendation, and I’m glad I did. Lots of food for thought here. This post resonated with me.
this is good….. words fail me in commenting. but it hit home, hard. i have been thinking a lot of who i really am these days, does anyone see ME anymore? Thanks for sharing your heart… it’s beautiful!
this post touched me, audrey. so much going through my head to say, but really, i just love YOU, pretty much sums it up!!
and what you said about loneliness being necessary to draw us to Him. that really stood out to me. i don’t like it. but know it’s true. it’s needed.
I think what stood out to me the most is the part about turning to God and not to people. In my case lately, turning to my husband and spilling my soul. When I didn’t get the response I think I needed, I felt even more alone. I put a lot of unnecessary precious on him, because in truth I should of turned to God first concerning feeling lonely. When I finally did turn to God, it made a world of difference. He renewed my heart. Why is that not my instinct to always turn to Him first?
Wow, what a lot of beautiful truth, Audrey.
So so true. I especially love what you wrote about how God is the the One that truly understands us better than anyone else. There are different people that I feel really “get” me, and some that don’t at all. But meeting with God and baring my heart with Him… THAT is what is truly fulfilling. That is what gives real depth to those people that DO get you, and that gives grace to those that misunderstand. It all comes back to Him. LOVE how you wrote that…