December 1, 2011
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Not a Pretty Crier
I don’t know why it is, but I hate to cry in front of other people. I mean, really hate it. I could analyze this in detail, and probably have already, but I’m not totally sure of all of the reasons.
Maybe partially because I am most certainly NOT a pretty crier.
You know those women you sometimes see, maybe on TV or even in real life, who, when they cry, just kind of have a few tears that roll down their faces and they dab them away prettily with a embroidered hankerchief?
Let’s just say that is so.not.me.
For one thing, I rarely know when I am going to cry until a few seconds before, so I am usually ill prepared to deal with the runny nose and the tears running out of my eyes.
Secondly, I am totally and completely embarrassed to cry in front of others, even if they are close friends of mine. I prefer to cry in private, thank you very much.
The good news is that I don’t cry often, so I am largely able to avoid these awkward situations.
But…yesterday, I was with 2 of my best friends (you know who you are, girls) and in the course of the conversation, I started to share about this really special moment a week or two ago where God just really spoke to my heart.
I had already started into the story when I realized that I was going to get emotional.
Usually, I give people a little “fair warning” signal. As I become aware that crying is going to take place, I usually pause a little and say something like “Oh, now I’m going to cry.”
Um, hello. Does that need to be said? Let’s just state the obvious here, Audrey.
I guess that is their signal to look away or put on a sympathetic but not too pity-ing look or something. I don’t know.
Then, it gets worse.
As I continue to talk, I start to fiddle with random things with my hands.
Basically, whatever is close by.
Like, yesterday, there was a plate of cookies on the table in front of me. Next thing I know, I am fingering the cookies. I realized, in a foggy kind of way, that this was a really gross thing to do, so I stopped and found some other object to toy with while I tried to keep from totally going over the edge emotionally.
Then, my voice starts to shake almost uncontrollably and I continue to fidget and fiddle and look down at my hands.
I told you it wasn’t pretty.
Besides that, my nose gets all red and my eyes have a “I’ve just been crying” kind of look to them as well.
I try to tell myself “Pull it together, Audrey. Take a deep breath. Make your voice stop shaking.” but I really can’t.
Now can you understand why I prefer to cry in private? And why sometimes, when I think something might make me cry, I choose to not even share it with others because I hate that feelings of realizing that I am going to “lose it.”
Don’t get me wrong. My friends were super understanding.
And neither of them tried to put their arm around me, which gives them a big A+ because doing that just makes me even more uncomfortable.
Thankfully, it didn’t turn into an all out sobbing episode. I think the only person who has ever seen me sobbing is Jeremy. At least any time in the last 10 years or so.
And I’d kind of like to keep it that way.
Tears are healing. I understand that. It would probably do me good to cry more often.
But when you morph into this other person as soon as you get emotional, its probably best to keep those situations to a minimum.
How about you? Do you cry in front of others? Are you comfortable with it? Are you a “pretty crier” or more like me?
Comments (15)
I don’t like crying in front of people either, but I cry almost every single day that I am pregnant-I have no idea why, AND, the tears just come quietly rolling down my face for no apparent reason and it is pointless to stop them, so there they are. It’s just the way it is. After 6 babies, I don’t really care anymore. It’s life. Sure hasn’t affected my friendships one iota. And everyone else seems unaffected by my tears, so-I cry.
I have no problem in shedding tears in front of people.
i hardly ever, ever cry. hate to. but often wish i could more.
Oh, I can cry at the drop of a hat. (I’ve gotten better at dealing /stuffing it in though). I have to “suck it up” at work when dealing with patients dying. Gotta be strong…;)
I am a messy crier too. Puffy eyes, red nose, “can’t deny you’ve been crying” look. I envy the ones who can shed tears and then just keep going like it never happened.
When I was still single and living at home, we had gone to a funeral. I was all tore up and crying lots…. and believe me I get reeeally messy looking when I cry. Like blotchy face/neck, red nose, puffy eyes, etc. Anyway, my dear mom came to me afterward (she had been observing me going through the viewing line) and says “carmen, you are beautiful when you cry”. I know she was talking about something deeper then what meets the eye. It has stuck w/ me all these years, and somehow helps me relax when I cry….and know that it’s okay.
Audrey, I bet I’d say the same thing about you if I saw you cry!
Oh what a subject. I cry all. the. time. Not because I want to, but because absolutely anything turns on the raging faucets. I hate it. I want to sit in church and hear something really moving and NOT start crying. I want to go to a wedding and not look down to hide my tears when everyone else is smiling at the bride. I want to be poised and serene when something only relatively sad happens, but NO, not me, I start crying. I do not cry pretty either, I can’t talk when I cry, I look awful, oh I shouldn’t even get started on this! Enough said or I start crying just writing all this.
I am the same way you are. I hardly cry…maybe 4 times a year! And when I do…yeah, it’s messy.
I am not a pretty crier. =)
well….as you know, i just ended up in tears in front of not only brooklen’s teachers but also the school principle….the guidance counselor….and the school psychologist! six people to be exact! never saw it coming! as much as i hated it, i think it gave them a perspective on how grateful i truly am for their understanding about some things she’s been struggling with. (it was a planned mtg to arrange for a ’504′ plan related to her anxiety) i felt like such an idiot, but then soon noticed two of them with tears in their eyes, and the principle said he felt bad that he wasn’t tearing up.
typically when i cry, i feel bad for the other party if i sense them feeling ackward. if they’re good with it, then, as a whole, i’m good too. there was a time i didn’t cry very much, but in more recent years, that’s all changed. while i don’t necessarily cry a alot, when something touches me, the tears’ll be sure to start gathering in the corners of my eyes.
i remember you crying at ffe and even recently saw a picture of when you shared in our loooooong introduction time. you were teary in that picture and it actually crossed my mind that i thought you looked pretty in it. it’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it?.
crying…oh yes. a thing i really do NOT like to do in front of people either. it was a long time after we were married that i cried in front of my husband, and even now, i do not like to cry even in front of him. it ain’t pretty on me either, and yet, i know i should not be ashamed…it’s just this ‘thing’ i have? i do find that the older i get the more easily tears come to my eyes, but i Still do not like to let them flow.
interesting topic.
madisonsmom2 pretty much described me.
Glad I’m not alone when it comes to crying. I cry when I’m happy, cry when I’m sad, hurt, angry, depressed you name it, I cry. So I pretty much have gotten used to crying in front of people, I don’t like it but since I can’t seem to be able to stop it, (and believe me I’ve tried) I just try to accept that’s how I am. And no, I’m not a pretty crier either.
I don’t cry very much either. And I don’t like crying in front of other people. For one, sometimes I’m having a pity party and I deserve nothing but a scolding. Or I’m tired and my emotions are fried so I’m not likely thinking straight anyway. I prefer to do definitely do my minimal crying alone.
Tears (watery eyes) do speak volumes though. If I’m talking to someone and they get all teary you know the subject is close to their heart. And I know some people get teary eyed very easily and others I seldom see it happen. Maybe you could do a post on what are the proper responses to someone like that? I usually just kind of try to keep the conversation going. But maybe they want more ??? confirmation? sympathy? I don’t know.
Good post, Aug. I saw the title and couldn’t wait to read it, but didn’t have time.
Who IS pretty when they cry?
I am a crier, but not a pretty one. I’m ashamed of how much Dan and the children have seen me cry, especially when I hear of some of you stalwart ladies who don’t do that. Dan told me once that I’m one of the few people he’s seen who can smile and laugh through tears, so that was nice. I guess I’ve been challenged lately with what my tears are about. If they’re because I care for someone else and feel with them, that’s one thing. If they’re selfish, angry tears, that is quite another. Had to giggle at your being glad that your friends didn’t put their arm around you in your tears. I also feel uncomfortable with gestures like that, even though I know people do them with the best motives. While for me the tears are usually unbidden and come when I wish they wouldn’t and then don’t come when I wish they would, to hug or not to hug is an even bigger question.
@madisonsmom2 - I think we are sisters.
I almost cried reading your comment.
I am pretty sure that if you and I were in a competition, you would be the prettier crier.
I do cry easily. But the worst thing is that I cry when I’m nervous. ESPECIALLY if I’m supposed to be talking and then no one can understand me and all I can do is blubber. It’s disgusting. So my most recent episode? At our interview at boys camp in front of four men. Yeah. Really special. The wierd thing is that it was the first time in a LONG time that I cried in front of people and they were TOTALLY cool with it. Not one iota of awkwardness. And even more wierd, after I got home I was kind of glad I cried. B/c their response told me a thousand times over that I am going to be so ok there. Brutal honesty and crying and they didn’t kick me out? Yeah, I think I’m going to love them.
well. i’m not a pretty crier. it’s not pretty when i’m trying not to cry either. ugh. sigh.
and yet…carmen and her mom are on to something…don’t you think? tears can represent and reveal something precious. something… beautiful. like…vulnerability. fragility. strength. and no i don’t think that any of those cancel each other out.
these last years…i can feel tears easily. but crying, like letting it all out, isn’t something that i do as often as i need to.