May 27, 2011
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A Mother’s Job
People say a lot of things that are meant to make other people feel better.
And most of the time it does.
But it can also be really insensitive…whether intentionally or not. Sometimes those thoughtless phrases that we throw around can slice like a knife through the soul of an unsuspecting listener. And all of a sudden, she’s right back there, in that moment, where the biggest regret of her life happened, and the conversation continues on, but she sits there…stunned and wounded…again!
I’m sure you’ve heard this one place or another, whether in reading you’ve done or conversations you’ve had.
Moms are talking among themselves and discussing mothering issues and problems and struggles and somebody says “Well, our main job is to keep our kids alive till they’re 18. If you’ve done that, then you’re doing pretty good.”
And the Moms heave a collective sigh of relief and say “Yeah, you’re right. That’s the main thing.” And yay for me! I’ve done that!
As if we alone have the potential to protect our child from every possible danger.
What if you are a Mom who DIDN’T “keep” your child alive?
What if they fell out of the bed of a pick up when you were hauling firewood and got run over and died, as happened to my cousin’s 8 year old son?
What if you had a miscarriage and you’ve always blamed yourself because you shouldn’t have lifted that heavy piece of furniture or you should have eaten differently or taken those folic acid vitamins?
What if you yourself buried your child alive when you were backfilling dirt at your new house, as happened with someone in our community?
What if, God forbid, despite all of your best efforts, your 20 year old child committed suicide, as happened to some dear parents in our community a few weeks ago?
What if your child died, silently, in their crib when they were a few months old, as has happened to countless mothers of babies who died of SIDS?
Could you ever forgive yourself? Could you go on?
We can live our whole lives in fear or what could or might happen to our precious children.
But bottom line…we are not able to protect them from everything.
We can turn our children into fearful people and we can control them to the point of inhibiting their spirit of learning and adventure and independence…all because of our own fears.
It is terrifying to think that something awful should happen to your child.
I certainly understand a mother’s desire to protect her children from death or anything bad that could happen to them.
But we are not all powerful. We are not able to protect as we would desire.
We HAVE to learn to let go and trust and give them breathing space.
I don’t pretend to understand the awful, terrible pain that would be losing a child.
The way that it must take your breath away for what feels like forever and shred your heart to bits in such a way that you will never go back to being fully alive and fully yourself as you once were. (Even writing about this subject makes me feel like I am treading where angels fear to tread, because I do not EVER want to bring pain to a reader of my blog, if I can help it.)
Yes, I want to be wise and I want to be careful with my children but I refuse to live a life of fear. I refuse to make decisions based out of fear. Wisdom, yes, but fear, no! Do those two look the same sometimes? Definitely. But the motivation makes all of the difference.
So just think a little more next time you say something glibly like “Well, as long as we manage to keep them alive, we’re doing good.”
Those words can cut like a double edged sword through some grieving Mother’s soul.
We’re all human. We’re fallible. We make mistakes. We might not see the danger. We might see it but not get there quickly enough.
We cannot live our lives taking the weight of the world on our shoulders and think that we can single handedly protect our children. Its not possible.
We do our best, yes, but things happen. Choices are made. Accidents occur. Diseases ravage.
And that doesn’t make someone any less of a loving and caring and protective mother.
It just makes her a mother who has a deep scar that will never, ever (completely) heal!
Comments (12)
So much wise advice here. We never know what path a person has walked.
Also, the motivation that drives us…good reminder for me. I am glad you are back.
What a good point. You’re so right that it would just hurt someone to hear that in one of those situations.
“Yes,
I want to be wise and I want to be careful with my children but I
refuse to live a life of fear. I refuse to make decisions based out of
fear. Wisdom, yes, but fear, no! Do those two look the same
sometimes? Definitely. But the motivation makes all of the difference.” This resounded with me the most. So much truth there…..
Audrey, so much truth and wisdom here. Words do cut-and sometimes the “lack” of them too. I am seeing more and more that the Christian Life is so much more about “who we ARE then what we DO (or did)”. And there is thousands of words packed into Are and Do – . I lack the skill to explain it, but I know I feel it. And I know you know what I am talking about, because I know you feel it too. It shows.
Oh and we ARE not always what we Do. In parenting -or whatever.
Things happen – so glad it doesn’t define me. I was taught I am what I do. Praise God he changed that!!!!!! Broke that chain for good. God allows us to experience things so we can KNOW that. Even IF it’s a bad choice. Mistake.
to KEEP anyone Alive- is God’s job, thankfully. Not ours.
~ we are not just talking about mothering, are we? {giggle} Hugs
I feel like that was a strange comment – but whatever. i felt compelled to write it.
So much truth here. I was thinking almost the same thought pattern this morning except that it was in relation to marriage. Our anniversary is coming up soon and I was thinking about how in love we still are and realizing that, while I am always saying, “fight for your marriage,” it is more than that. It is also a gift of grace. There are women who have fought long and hard and had their hearts broken. I am Soooooo glad you are back!
@seekinHISwisdom - I got that! And it made me miss your blog! You have such a way of speaking truth from your heart.
Lots of truth! Thanks for sharing your heart.
@seekinHISwisdom - not strange di. not at all. i love how you “seek His wisdom” and what you have to share. i get it!
i’ve been on both sides of this i know. the deeply wounded side. and the other as well…the side inflicting the pain.
so many ways to inadvertantly crush another’s spirit, stepping on their broken heart pieces without even realizing it. sobering indeed. but i don’t want fear to make my decisions for my mouth…or like you wrote about ^^^ for my children either. love this, “the motivation makes all of the difference.”
so glad you’re back!
I can’t say I remember hearing thstatement thrown around in a conversation “Well, our main job is to keep our kids alive till they’re 18. If you’ve done that, then you’re doing pretty good,” but it would probably cut me pretty deep depending on the day. As a mom who somehow didn’t keep one of her babies alive past 37 weeks pg, I know too much about the guilt, unfounded as it is. And of course one of my greatest fears is that one of my little children will die in an accident or something because I wasn’t watching them closely enough. In one instance, a couple years ago, I thought all the doors were latched, but my little girl found one that wasn’t and ran out the door and followed her dad outside and ran right in front of his big dump truck. He didn’t see her until she was over by the driver’s side. Had he not been talking on his cell, delaying leaving the property, he probably would’ve driven right over her. In spite of my best efforts, it was God who protected her that time, not me.
Very true, Audrey. I think we say so many things like this that cut deeply. Maybe if we would all wait to talk until the thought is finished forming inside our minds?? Just maybe that would help.
You are so right.
When my little brother died, I remember people saying different things to my mom. They were just trying to be nice, they meant well, but the words weren’t thought out.
Like you said, to a grieving mother, keeping them alive until they’re 18 can be hurtful.
We have to be so careful with what comes out of our mouths!
Good thoughts here Audrey.